02:06 Jun 01 2009
Times Read: 1,150
I'm scared.
I'm scared to see myself barely living anymore, lately I've been leaving half of me in bed in the morning while letting the physical part take care of the rest... I find myself paying attention to Ryan, of course, but not always whole heartedly.
I'm starting to get so fed up with this that an escape to an alternative world inside my head feels so much more appealing than dealing with this life I have made for myself.
I walk down the streets and catch myself scarcely being aware of my surroundings, constantly seeing things before my eyes which aren't really there... I just wish them to be.
I'm scared to think about if this is it, if this is all I'm getting to do with my life, spending my days in endless, boring routines with a child I know I love, but not always want to be around...
What scares me mostly though, is the idea that Ryan is going to grow up in an environment where he sees his beloved mother so unhappy, he can certainly feel the way I distance myself from life, I'm sure. I just hope I love him enough to make up for whatever harm I may cause him due to being like this...
I'm afraid I can't do much about it though, I can't force myself to be happy. I can't force fed my heart the happiness it's desperate to feel, no matter how badly I want to. Nothing in life can be forced on you.
I've kept trying to enjoy the days, see the lighter side of things, thank God for having such a beautiful boy and appreciate life for what it is... but in the end, I always come back to the dark side.
I can't and I doubt I'll ever will truly be happy, and the realization of that puts me down even more.
The thing is though, I was unhappy even before meeting Yendor and having Ryan, I can't say for sure my life would be better off without them... because without that, I would never have learned to love another person like I love my son, I would never have gotten to see that there is indeed some beauty to behold in life. I am grateful for this, I am, it just kills me not knowing whether or not I would have been happier without it.
As I've said before, I was and am still too immature to have a child of my own. I am in no way ready for this kind of life and it's really getting to me, getting worse day by day. I find myself resenting everything but Ryan.
I never got the time to find myself, to do the things which would have led to a growth in me as a person, to experience everything that could have shaped me into a better self.
Now I am what I am, and though having Ryan has made its impact on me, God knows that, it is not enough to have changed the core that is me... Meaning, I want to grow as a person and get to know myself better, now I wonder if I ever will. I've grown as a mother, I've grown when it comes to love and unselfishness, but I am still a very weak and insecure person... And now I'm afraid I will never get a chance to change that. I don't even have the time to think about it anymore.
As much as I love Ryan and seeing him grow, as much as I care for his well being and am giving up EVERYTHING for the sake of his health and happiness... I have these days when I feel completely empty inside, drained of whatever I am made of.
On these days it's easy for me to let Yendor take over and I kind of fade into a mere physical substance, doing things on routine in mechanic mode, with myself being lost somewhere.
And I feel so guilty about that, even though logically I shouldn't. With exception of the first two months of Ryan's life where caring for him was divided somewhat equally between us, though drifting towards me being the main care giver by the end, I have basically been taking on 90% of the responsibility. It's nothing I blame Yendor for today, but at the time it was incredibly tough and I know I swore about his lack of activity immensely. I don't know why he chose not to participate more, perhaps he felt overrun by me, but I have chosen to forget about that now...
What I mean to say is, since I came back from Sweden and even a little before we left, Ryan has been showing an incredible interest in spending time with Yendor... It came suddenly, as a shock to me, right when I was wondering if he'd ever give me a minute to breathe. Things have changed from me caring for him 90% of the time, to 70%...
Now what scares me is that it has become too easy to let Yendor take Ryan to the park or play with him, I find myself too often wanting to shove over the responsibility to him... Even though I feel guilty about it every minute. My excuse is that I need to clean, and sure I do clean, but it goes deeper than that. I'm afraid I am unconsciously pushing Ryan away from me, is that even possible to do?
Perhaps it's just something I'm scared that I MIGHT do now that he is not on me 90% of the time, he is not constantly demanding my attention or involving me in his play. Seeing him grow so independent all of a sudden is really frightening me, the part where I have to let him loose and start finding his own way... He has days where he rarely asks for my playing with him anymore, sometimes he might want me to draw with him, play with the soft toys or read him a book, but the point is he doesn't always ask for it as he used to. Now he is perfectly content spending time with himself or Yendor, even if I leave the room... Sometime ago I couldn't even do that without him putting up a fuss.
Reality is, he is growing up and I am scared to let go.
Or rather, I am scared that I might let go of him too much. I don't know where to begin or to end, sometimes I feel myself so insecure that I just sit down next to him, whether he demands it of me or not... Basically begging him to involve me in whatever he is doing.
I don't want to lose the bond I have dedicated every minute of the day for 18 long months to build up, my life would completely lose its meaning if I did. I know I need to find a balance between things now, but it is a major shock to me not having to pay as much attention to Ryan as I used to... I'm just not sure how to handle these extra minutes of the day that I get now.
I realize now what a dumb, naive teenager I was and in some cases still am. The idea of having a child, I remember, appealed to me so strongly that I used to dream much about it in the first few months after having met Yendor.
Stupidity made me go through with it.
I don't know what planet I lived on or what I had imagined this to be, but I never seemed to have fully grasped what I was getting myself into. Even throughout the pregnancy, I was living in clouds and not seeing the end of the tunnel, the part where my life would turn around so much to the point where I would lose everything I cared for.
At the time, I failed to realize how much having a baby changes your life.
I remember just craving an escape from the misery I was living in... My mother was involved with an alcoholic who abused her both mentally and sometimes physically, not to mention he made his moves on me. My father had just met a new woman who clearly wanted me out of the way and made me feel unwelcome, unwanted. Around the same time I began having panic attacks, my depression grew on me and always attempting to be the best in school in order to prove myself, was starting to take a serious toll on me.
Not to mention my daily battles with my eating disorders, having the only friend I could truly relate to living too far away for us to meet more than a few times a year. Also my struggle for acceptance, search for love and understanding, all that crap teenagers go through.
Right then a different life seemed too appealing, I didn't think twice before taking the step... If I had only know what was coming, perhaps my naive self would have stayed put.
I've also come to the conclusion that for the time being, I am not having another child. I feel sorry that I won't be able to give Ryan a sibling and someone to share things with during his childhood, but I simply can't put myself through it again. As much as I love children, as much as I wish to raise a girl, I don't think I have it in me. Not considering how things are with me now anyways, perhaps in a couple of years when maybe I have put myself back together.
I so don't know what I'm talking about anymore, I'm just kind of letting things pour out of me... It's 3 AM, Ryan fell asleep 3 hours ago and I am dying to get some as well... Only there is so much bothering me that I can't let it go. I'm also not feeling all hyped up about waking up and going through a new day again... I have nothing to look forward to, so who can blame me? Of course I love spending time with Ryan, although I'm not sure I appreciate it as much anymore seeing how I spend so much time with him already...
But there just isn't anything for me out there anymore, I don't matter. As much as I try to ignore it, deny it, bury it, I can't escape the fact that it is physically starting to pain me.
Oh, and there's also the issue that I will most likely spend the morning having major carb withdrawals since I always do the day after I've hopped back on the Low Carb train...
I need to regain my health, the past 6 months I've been... getting too out of touch with something I used to spend my life caring about, the extend to which I have lost myself is scary. I have never let my eating and dieting get so out of control as I have now, anyone from my past can tell you how much of a time and life consuming thing appearance used to be to me... As stupid as it might sound, I need to regain that sense of purpose, whatever it was keeping me motivated to stay fit and healthy despite issues I'm dealing with.
That's as much as I'm going to confess about my health problems, I am too embarrassed to continue with that topic.
There is much more I could and would need to write down, but my breath ends here...
I need to sleep, and hopefully dream something pleasant which will get me through the day.
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