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I love Sweden.

Sweden is the country of candy, chocolate and many things good.

Sweden is like my chocolate factory.

I miss Sweden, mostly for the chocolate... I've realized how much I've underestimated Swedish chocolate AND candy.



Mmm, candy canes...



I thought I was gonna go mad living here, with all that yumminess out of reach...

I asked my mother to bring me some chocolate and candy with her today, she's coming to spend a week here with my sister.



And then, while googling the most famous swedish chocolate brand, I found this...



http://www.northerner.com/html/candychocolate.html





YEEEEEEEEEPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



:D

Godness...

I'm gonna have a baby...

It's really there, alive, kicking, moving, getting on my nerves already...



Please let this baby have a good life.

I miss Home... :(



I miss Mommy.

I miss my guinea pigs.

I miss Swedish chocolate.

I miss Ylva.

I miss my bed.

I miss my mom's cooking.

I miss sushi.

I miss hearing Polish every day.

I miss my room.

I miss Sweden...



2 months to go... sigh

I wish I could go earlier.



There's nothing wrong with Malta... (ok, there is, *coughs and points down at previous entry*)



But...but...but... I miss all things I am used to.



*pouts*

I finished the assignment...

Though I couldn't have done it without Yendor, what would I do without him??

I realized last night what an incredibly helpful, considerate, selfless, intelligent man he is.

I love him so much.

Can you believe he stayed up all night for me, correcting and rewriting some paragraphs to make the essay perfect? When he had to leave for work at 5 in the morning...

He didn't get any sleep at all, in fact, he let me sleep.



And now, I have officially finished the course, now I am just waiting to receive my certificate..

I've done it...

Oh my god, I've really done something.

Though I would have given up a long time ago if it wasn't for his patience and encouragement...

I am so lost without this man... So lost.

I can't believe I every complained about carrying his baby, it's the most wonderful thing in the world and the best gift I can ever give him... And godness, does he deserve it.



It is a huge sacrifice for me to be pregnant, but believe me, it's an even greater sacrifice for him to put up with me and my moods... Seriously! lol



♥



Next stop, studying for the A level :)

I am SO FUCKING SICK of this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM SICK OF EATING THE WRONG FOODS!!!!

And if no one will finally GET IT, then SO BE IT!!!!



From now on, I am EITHER eating HEALTHY or NOT AT ALL! If that means going a whole day without food, FINE!!!!



I AM SO FUCKING PISSED!!!

I feel like such a whiny bitch.

I am whining and complaining about things constantly, and I feel so guilty about it it's making me cry.

I know Yendor is doing his absolute best to make me happy, I feel like I'm making him think that I don't appreciate it...

I can't believe he's putting up with me.

I am...dying

It's...too hot

For the past 3 hours I've just been laying in bed half asleep due to the heat... I'm not really sleepy, but the heat... knocks me off completely.

I am trying to find the strength to write the assignment though I'm feeling incredibly weak and disoriented.



I need to improve my diet... Ever since I came here I feel like I haven't eaten well enough, only some days... Too litte fruit and vegetables... Not to talk about fiber... And feeling so fat it's depressing me.



At least, my mother and sister are coming down here to stay for a week on Sunday. I called mom whining this morning and asking her to somehow bring me some cherries... Can you believe they don't have cherries here?? Or raspberries? OR blueberries? And the season for strawberries has already passed... No wonder I'm going insane. I am a fruit-o-maniac and I can't get a hold of my fav fruit! I honestly can't wait to get my ass back to Sweden, not only because of the cold...

Though I hate feeling this way, how am I supposed to get used to living here? sigh



Oh and another thing, I just don't GET mediterranean food. It's all pies, pies, pies, cheese, pies, pies, pies, pizza, pies, pies, pies, more cheese, pies, pies, pies, pasta in every shape... I guess you can se the pattern. I've never seen people making pies out of everything like the maltese! And I've never liked pies... see my problem? I never though I'd say this but I miss Swedish food. Healthy, swedish, yummy food.



And yes, I don't feel like doing anything but complaining today.



I miss my mommy.

I am constantly dying of thirst.

I feel like I am drinking liters very day, yet my mouth keeps feeling dry and my body screaming for more.

Can this have something to do with the fact that I am carrying a very demanding baby and living under extreme heat?



It is driving me insane...............

...

I knew it.

... I finished it.

And I don't regret it at all.

Sure, characters died...

But in a way I understand the necessity of it, everyone can't survive, can they?



I'm glad the story is over, really. Whatever Rowling does, she shouldn't write more books about Potter... The series really is complete and magnificent.





And now I need to wake Yendor up and write the assignment... IF I can get my mind away from HP... lol

1. Reading Harry Potter (or anything else)

2. Playing boggled

3. Have sex

4. Eat chocolate



What else could I wish for?





I still need to write the assignment.. Yendor has a day off today and has promised to help me.

I just want to get it DONE!



But not until I finish the book...

Ooooh

Myyyy

GOOOD!



I can't stop reading!!! I've already gone through 400 pages, only 200 to go before the story ends...

Still, I can't stop. A part of me doesn't want to read anymore, to keep all the characters alive, to keep the magic alive... But another part realizes sooner or later it has to be finished...

So I'm just gonna keep reading...



Surprisingly enough, I haven't cried once yet. I am REALLY caught up in the book... But for some reason I am not feeling the same way I usually do.



I wonder why...

...Yendor took me to the launching of the 7th Harry Potter book tonight...

I can't believe I'm holding it in my hands!!!

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!



♥



This is YUMMY!

My main concern right now is losing time with Yendor. I am getting more frustrated every day as I see him leave for work, I know that it's a must, but everything seems to be stealing our time together. And if I am worried now, what will it be like once the baby arrives? I feel myself getting annoyed and sad every time he is not with me, or when his mind is elsewhere. I want him for myself... I want to run away to a desert island and just be with him.



But I guess this is what they call life.

I'm a mess.

An unstable, self destructive mess.

I need someone to keep me from hurting myself, I saved myself this time but I don't know if I'll be able to again.

I'll end up doing more than just thinking of suicide.

And the baby isn't making things easier for me... It's not enough that I have to be scared for myself, now I have a baby who relies on me taking care of myself. I feel too depressed to bother about myself, let alone a baby. I feel incapable of this, I seriously do. I am constantly in a bad mood and I feel like I'm being a pain in everyone's ass.

I just want to disappear...

I just want this to go away.



Now, try to motivate me to write the assignment.

Yeah, I thought so.

The other day I realized something for the first time...

Fantasy really IS different from reality.

And it hit me hard.



My mind has let it go, but I am still feeling so hurt...

Everytime I remember it it's like a pang in my heart.



*sigh*



I really thought I could do it, but it seems I am jealous and protective after all.



I need to learn how to distinguish sexual from emotional energy...



Sexually, I want it badly.

Emotionally, I'm just too damn vulnerable.



GAH!!!

My arm is aching like hell.

Fuck...

I am feeling so incredibly depressed and guilty... Worried... Afraid... Sad... I don't know what to do with myself, I've been so stupid, I hate the way I'm acting and reacting. I hate that I'm sitting here depressed and anxious, unwillingly harming the baby. If I keep this up the baby will be born depressed...

I hate that what preoccupies my mind is the fact that my muscles are being covered by fat, I'm overall curvier than I was and it bothers me... Why, why do I think of such petty things? How on earth can I think that he won't want me because I feel ugly and fat? Or because my sex drive has been really low lately? Why can't this anxiety just stop... Why do I keep having panic attacks? The thing that worries me the most is the fact that I feel it all so strongly... I've been on antidepressants for 2 years now, and before I got pregnant I was free from depression... I was feeling really well at times, not at all like this... And then suddenly they seemed to have lost their effect on me, or this depression is simply overpowering the medicine... This is really scaring me... I am beginning to think I should seek help. Yendor is so incredibly patient with me, I don't understand how he does it... I'm scared to death that one day his patience will just break and he won't be able to cope with me anymore... What will I do if that happens? I feel so guilty about the way I treat him sometimes, speaking of killing myself when I know how much it hurts him... Or saying that everything feels so meaningless, even him and

baby... I gave him the worst fright of his life just an hour ago, in the middle of the night when he has to wake up for work in only 2 hours... I feel so guilty, so incredibly guilty...



For God's sake... I need to get out of this shit.



But most of all I could really use someone to talk to right now... Please?

I am addicted to Boggled.

I even DREAM about words...

And words appear in my mind at random moments.

Whenever I see letters, the first thing that comes to mind is what words I can combine using them...



o.O



Damn you Cancer! :P

(OK, not counting Yendor and Baby)



Can you BELIEVE Yendor hasn't read the books or watched a SINGLE movie yet!?

It's a disgrace! A disaster! A DAMN good reason to drag him to the cinema tonight and watch the 5th movie... hehehe

I SO can't wait!!! Actually I can, I've already been waiting for a year...

I should have reread the book, but I guess it doesn't matter, the movie will probably remind me of the plot.



From what I've seen so far, the movie has received REALLY good reviews so that only makes me even more excited...



Harry Potter totally rocks my world, I seriously think they're the best books I've ever read... At least they're at the very top of the list.



Now today will be a YUMMY day! :)

...And I look like a monster.

I didn't realize I was so HUGE!

And there are still WEEKS to go... I'm scared to think how much bigger I'm going to get.

Luckily, it's my tummy growing and not my ass. My behind and my thighs have become a little bit thicker but I've heard that's normal cause the body is storing fat reserves for the baby...

I am really trying to eat as healthy as possible, but it's difficult when I need to adapt to the lifestyle of his family... I can't very well say that I refuse to eat this and that and I only want brown rice and pasta.

*sigh*

At least I am trying to eat a lot of fruit...

I really hate white bread.





Anyways...



This is my tummy, and never mind those stretch marks they're not cause of the pregnancy, they're a sign and reminder of my body's protest against my anorexia....

I really hope I won't get anymore, but meh.

I did it.

I held a lesson as well as I could with quiet, shy, uncooperative elementary students.

The positive outweighed the mistakes I made by far.

One of the comments were that I need to get out of my shell, get more confident rather than shy... surprised? lol



I did it... perhaps I can teach after all.

This baby is seriously messing me up.

I was so stressed yesterday that it kept kicking me hard, which stressed me even more because I thought of how much I am putting my baby through. Yesterday was a disaster, if it hadn't been for Yendor I don't know what I would have done with myself...



I'm not sure I want to go into details, more or less I had a really bad panic attack during class yesterday and ended up running away from the classroom when I was supposed to hold my lesson. I don't know how it happened, why I did it or what I was thinking... I wasn't thinking. I had stressed myself up so badly with the constant negative thoughts about myself that I just lost control of reality... I left all my stuff in the classroom and ran home, that's all I remember.

Luckily Yendor was at home to calm me down... And he took me back to school later to speak to the teacher... I had to appologize for my disappearance and having worried them... I thought I had messed it all up, that I might as well quit the course. Luckily they encouraged me to stay and do my best on monday when I am supposed to hold a 45 min for a real elementary class...



Why do I keep doubting myself so much? Why do I feel like I can't do it? Why do I keep thinking of myself as a failure?



Oh well...

I need to calm down or I'll end up giving my baby a very bad start in life.

Perhaps I'll be able to do something right in my life... I hope so.

I had to call in sick to school today, something I feel very guilty about especially because I was supposed to hold a 10 min lesson... which I haven't prepared yet.

I am never going to change, am I?

I will go tomorrow, so tonight I will have to come up with some kind of lesson...



Reason was I had to go to the doctor for a check up, Yendor was worried and I was eager to see if there's something I can do about feeling like I do.



Baby is fine... And there's nothing wrong with my body either. My blood pressure is normal, so are the heartbeats and my weight. I was advised to go out and walk every evening (which we already do except for when he's working night, like tonight), drink sport drinks which contain a lot of sugar and salt, rest and not go out in the sun... Basic advice. But at least I know the baby is fine... It has barely been kicking at all for the past 3 days, but Yendor just says it's busy growing... I hope so.



What the doctor did tell me though came as a shock to me. Apparently my breathlessness is mostly caused by anxiety, or panic attacks if you wish. When I think about it he must be right, cause the times I get breathless are different... Sometimes I just gasp for air like a fish on land, other times I feel a sudden pressure on my chest or heart and most of those times I end up feeling very depressed and crying my eyes out, making Yendor worried. I don't know what's causing them... I don't really feel stressed, but I am extremely emotional, touchy and depressed at times.



I often begin to cry for the most silly things... Like if Yendor's mother comments about me spilling water on the floor after having washed an apple, it immediately pushes me into a negative spiral thinking something like "I am worthless, hopeless, useless, everything I do is wrong, I can't do anything, I want to die"



Meh...



Chocolate, that's what I need.

I've found a health food store here, it made my day, I thought I would have to live on white bread forever... Which was uptil now one of my main concerns about moving here. Silly, I know, but that's an ex anorectic for you.

True, the food is a bit more expensive than buying a pack of noodles, but Yendor knows that I value health before money which he accepts and agrees with to some degree... Although I'm a bit extreme.



So now I have yummy, organic dark mint chocolate waiting for me in the fridge.



Must... have... now!

I don't understand and don't think I ever will how some can actually enjoy being pregnant.

I haven't enjoyed it at all, it's just a pain in the ass for me... Or should I say, a pain in the uterus? It's like the bad things are just followed by another...



First there was my horrible nausea which luckily passed after about 13 weeks, then the sleepiness, then the weakness, heartburn, insomnia, leg cramps, restlessness, there's just too much to bare with and it's only going to get worse. Baby will actually begin to grow a lot now and keep pressing more and more on my uterus... I can barely walk steadily now and need to catch my breath all the time and I am only 22 weeks! How is it going to be when I can't even sit or lay down comfortably because of the huge tummy, or the pain, not to mention going in labor...



Oh Christ what have I gotten myself into? The heat isn't making it any better either...

Right now I am having a hard time breathing and I am feeling an immense pressure on the side of my heart which is making me cry... As if that wasn't enough, I am feeling very weak as if I'm about to faint.



I don't know what all that talk is about... Second trimester being the best one where you're full of energy, I am NOT full of energy and have never been. I can't even make myself practice yoga anymore, mostly because it's way too tiring and I can't breathe normally. I try to survive on taking walks every day...



I am getting closer to deciding to have a C section. I don't think I can bare the thought of squeezing out a baby out of my vagina. Oh God...



I just called my mom and cried on the phone, I am so emotional everything makes me either cry or gets on my nerves. Mommy tried to calm me down but she was worried when I mentioned the pain in my heart... Though I think it's probably nothing, just another oh so pleasant symptom of pregnancy.



My boobs haven't even gotten any bigger. Sure, they're full of milk and they're darker, but definitely not bigger... Just very little.

And here I Thought I'd finally get some real boobs.



I weigh 65kg now, which means I've gained 8kg since late Feb. I am constantly worried about getting too fat... sigh



And I bought a book called "The yummy mummy's survival guide" which is written by a mom to 3 kids who got her first when she was 23... She basically writes about her own experience and gives advice in a very humorous way.

At least, it's supposed to be funny.

I am getting more and more concerned about how little time I will have for myself and not to mention for Yendor with a screaming baby in the house constantly needing attention.

Sigh...

Most of all I am worried that the baby might be feeling my worries and thinking that I don't want it.

I do want it... I think.

No, I do, I just wish someone else could carry it for me.

And I wish it had come later...



I have got absolutely no idea how I am going to get my ass to school in an hour... The past 2 days have been horrible, I've been feeling absolutely awful during the lessons barely able to focus on what the teacher was saying. And I am getting very annoyed with some peopoe in the group, not for any specific reasons they just bug me. I need to write a 10-15 min lesson plan, I am supposed to give a practice lesson in front of the group tomorrow...

I have yet to figure out where I am going to find the energy to do that.



As if that wasn't enough, next week I am supposed to be giving lessons to REAL students...

God help me.





The only, only thing which makes me smile is feeling the baby kicking.. and it hasn't been kicking much today or yesterday... I'm getting worried.

Kick dammit!



I am too weak to stay up... back to bed.

I finally managed to get some sleep last night... I really needed it, yesterday I was totally gone in my head and useless in class, we were going through grammar tenses which made it even worse... But I think I got it in the end. :)



Imagine this...

Yendor, yes Yendor, is going out tonight to play football and have beer with some of this collegues...

I laugh everytime I try to imagine him playing football. What a manly thing to do!

LOL... LOL... LOL LOL LOL I even think baby is laughing... Not out of malice... But out of love, because it's so damn cute :P



I am in an extreme I love Yendor mood today, I woke up from having dreamt about him and he was just leaving for work when I did... I didn't want to let him go :( but at least he'll be home in 4 hours... But then we'll only have 4 hours before I need to go to class.



Bleeeeeeeeh I am so incredibly bored without him.



I am thinking about taking a walk to a book store, but the sun is putting me off... I've already gotten a bit of colour because of it GRRR I want my porcelain skin back! In a few years my skin will be so used to the sun I'll probably get a real suntan... O.O

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!



:P



I am only typing random thoughts here cause I am bored.... bored bored bored. BORED! And horny. But it feels wrong to have sex with a baby moving inside and my tummy is beginning to get in the way... I need to take a picture of it, it's really grown... I am 21 weeks and 5 days now. My womb must be growing cause this morning I felt it kick about a cm above my navel and then 3 seconds after it kicked down there. I have an active baby...



I keep hearing horror stories about how Yendor was as a baby... A crying, hungry troublemaker! IF this one will be anything like him, I'm gonna end up at a mental institution.



And we still don't have a name... Considering Arthur... But I don't know...



Meeeeehhhhhh



And I miss my Queen. Badly...



Oh and BTW...



We won't have the ultrasound in another 3 weeks.

Bleh.



Soon enough it won't even be worth checking the gender anymore, perhaps we should just leave it as a surprise...



But naaah....

I am not THAT patient.



It's gonna be a boy anyway.



And yes, I am too lazy to come up with a headline for my entry.

WHY does he get to sleep and not me!!!

WHY won't he get his ass up and go out with me for a walk or something instead of keep sleeping when he can clearly see my misery! (or not because he's half asleep everytime I talk to him)

GRRRRRRRRRRRR

I'm gonna go out for a walk myself soon.

I feel so HOT and so RESTLESS!!!

I have the need to move my legs all the time cause it feels like something's crawling in them and I can't relax.



GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR



I can't believe he got me pregnant

I CAN'T BELIEVE it!!!



This is making me so angry I just want to throw things at him.



I think I'll go do that now.

This heat is killing me.

So is being hungry all the time.

And not being able to sleep.



I don't understand... I exhausted myself on purpose today by going swimming and then going for a walk even though I felt tired, AND I didn't sleep at all during the day.



Yet what happens? As usual, I fall asleep, sleep for 2 hours and then wake up feeling wide awake and unable to go back to sleep... And this heat and the fact that I need to share bed with Yendor isn't helping. And I hate that I get so annoyed with him taking so much space...



Even when I do feel tired I can't sleep cause of the same reasons.



Sigh... I miss my yummy, comfy bed in cold, cold Sweden.



My tummy is growing insanely now... what happend to my flat sexy tummy? I feel so fat. I am starting to feel the babyweight as well, and I can feel the baby kicking and squirming around a lot now...



2.20 AM... I can wake Yendor up in about 4 hours... We have a doctor's appointment at 8 thank GOD... We'll be seeing baby on ultrasound and hopefully they will tell us the gender...



I just had a sandwich with marmalade and now I have cramps in my tummy.





GAH!





If he gets me pregnant again, I'll strangle him.