The past months...15:01 Jan 24 2008
Times Read: 809
So... it's been awhile.
It's a bit tricky finding any online time especially now that we are living in our own apartment and I have both a household, cooking and a baby to take care of... Although, God bless him, Yendor is amazing... I've never seen a man so dedicated as he is, whenever I need it he willingly helps out and he is as good in cleaning as I am... if not better... lol
I am truly lucky to have him :)
We do have our...disputes... from time to time, mainly about how to raise Ryan, sometimes he's right, sometimes I am, what's important is that we reach an agreement in the end...
We believe that Ryan is a so called high need baby, such a baby can have a few or all of the following... According to a book I've read called The Fussy Baby Book by the Sears... More info if anyone is interested can be found here (http://www.askdrsears.com/html/5/T050400.asp)
Intense
Hyperactive
Draining
Feeds freqently
Demanding
Awakens frequently
Unsatisfied
Unpredictable
Super-sensitive
Doesn't want to be put down
Not a self soother
Separation sensitive
In the beginning when Ryan was born, he was calm.... The first night he slept and was quiet, the other night... I've never heard a baby crying so intensely and LOUD... It scared me so much I called for the midwifes several time asking what was wrong, if I was doing something wrong, the midwifes just looked at Ryan in shock and just told me that oh it is because he is hungry and you havent got enough milk... but they looked as if they didn't believe it themselves...
That night I basically slept for about 2 hours, with Ryan next to me... He wouldnt sleep in his plastic cot... Actually, in the 2 days I was at the hospital he did sleep in the cot, but when we came home... He wouldn't sleep in his cot at all, he would cry in the pram or sleep for a period of 15 min then wake up screaming and it got worse everyday...There was one day I remember when he slept in it... most probably because of exhaustion, he could be up the WHOLE day without sleeping, 12 hours or more straight... and all he'd want to do is either to feed or be carried around.
I ended up staying in bed with him most of the time because he fed, fell asleep shortly but was so easily awakened... if I moved out of bed to get a 5 min shower, he would be awake crying by the time I got back wanting to feed again and it wasn't easy putting him to sleep either, he would awake by the slightest sound...
He cried, he cried and he cried every day for the first month... My mother kept asking me what's wrong with him, she was scared, my father actually thought we were hurting him cause he cried as if he was in pain...
All Ryan wanted was to be with me, by my breast, 24/7...
I'll be honest, there's something I will never forgive Yendor and myself for and that's especially my naive perception of how a baby should act, it made us committ several mistakes that I can't take back now... I know, considering us being first time parents and not knowing better it might be forgivable, but it still hurts me a lot.
We were sincerely worried about Ryan not sleeping, the doctors kept saying it was normal but then when I tried to explain he could go a whole day without sleeping they just didnt seem to believe me, thought I was overreacting... We kept trying to find a cause for his crying, one night we went to the emergency with him thinking he was constipated or had gas, tummy aches, whatever... Cause he just cried, and cried and cried... For the first whole month we blamed his crying on gases, bought medicinges, gave him baby tea and god knows what... Now, thing is, he might have had gases, but that's not why he was crying.... He wanted to feed, he wanted to be close to me.
There were times when Yendor just said enough and he can't be hungry all the time, there must be something wrong, he wouldn't let me feed Ryan scared that it might only constipate him more... And then he was worried about me, I barely ate or did anything but feed Ryan at the time... I can't forgive Yendor for those times, I kept crying when I heard Ryan cry, my instincts telling me to hold him close...
The first week we tried to make him sleep in the cot, we argued about who stays up at night to put him to sleep, he just wouldnt sleep and Yendor insisted on keeping it up, eventually Ryan did fall asleep for a short time but that was after hours of trying to make him sleep... We both ended up sleepless... Finally I said Enough, I used him having tummy aches as an excuse to sleep with him, and until this day I still sleep with him close to me... We both slept better like this, Ryan actually ended up sleeping 6 hours at night with frequent awakenings, but still... I got some rest.
Then there is the other big issue which I will regret for the rest of my life... I stopped breastfeeding. Mainly because I felt pressure from Yendor and my father, they were concerned about me not getting rest, and came up with the idea that my milk wasn't enough for Ryan... he needed more. Instead of standing up for Ryan's needs and my instincts, I gave in and we started giving him the bottle...
God, how I wish I could take that decicision back. Don't get me wrong, it was my decision in the end... I let myself be pressured, and I hate myself for it.
I wish I had read The Fussy Baby Book before I had Ryan, I would have understood and practised Attachment Parenting from the beginning then, and I would NEVER have stopped breastfeeding. I feel like I've robbed Ryan of something he really needed.
For some tiime, I didn't give him the breast at all, Yendor said it was for the best because it would cause Ryan to be confusedd, having both the plastic nipple and mine... God, yed again, I wish I had trusted my instincst... True, Ryan had changed a bit, gotten calmer, but he was still crying as if in pain... The few times I did give him the breast, Yendor got angry... Saying I was confujsing Ryan.... It took some time, but eventually I told him No, Ryan needs this and I'm going to give it to him, if he gets confused, let it be my problem...
And the way Ryan took it was like magic, it soothed him, put him to sleep, comforted him...
I'm crying just writing this... I so deeply wish I wouldnt be such an insecure person and trust myself more, be more confident in my feelings... me being like this hurt my baby, I took the breast away from him...
I do give it to him regularly now, but it's not the same... I can't feed him with it, cause he gets figity and cries out of hunger, obviously since he's used to the formula milk... it fills him up faster and that's what he wants...
Sigh....
Anyway, giving him the bottle changed him, to the better in Yendor's opinion, to the worse in mine... Later, once we arrived in Malta, he and his parents began commenting on how I never put Ryan down (I used to carry him all the time, sleep with him or just have him on me... ) how it's not good for his back and yada yada yada... Again, and again, and again, I couldn't stand up for him and they got Ryan used to the Babysitter... I feel like he got forced to something which was wrong for him, he has obviously shown he needs my physical touch most of the time, and everytime I do put him down now it pains me...
True, it IS a relief being able to put him down to go to the bathroom, clean a bit, cook, brush my hair, or whatever... but it doesn't change that it feels wrong.
I feel like I am not gettting any support at all in the way I want to raise Ryan, everyone is disagreeing with me. Now the time has come for people to insist I teach Ryan to sleep in his own bed...
Well, they can all kiss my ass this time because I REFUSE to do that.
I am his mother and I KNOW what is best for him.
Fuck now I am angry... I am so angry at how I have let myself be pressured into doing something other people THINK is for the best of Ryan, when I instinctively know it is WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!
He will go to sleep in his own bed when he is ready to do that.
He can sleep by himself... if I stay close... I can put him down in the babysitter to sleep, but most of the time he wakes up after a short while crying for me to pick him up, I do and he falls asleep on me again and sleeps peacefully. How can that be wrong? I am sick of people teling me what to do and how to do it, what I shouldn't do, how I am spoiling him or harming him... To all them I say FUCK YOU... I wish I could tell them in their face.
I love Yendor, I truly do, but I wish he was more supportive in what I believe is right... True, he has his say and his believes in what's right or wrong... But am I wrong in thinking I am the one who should decide at the end? That I am the one who should know what is best for my own baby, my own flesh and blood???
Sigh... I have so much anger in me, so much it scares me, I constantly have dreams of hurting, beating, killing people... it scares me. I feel like people have driven me into doing things I dont want to do, not fulfilling my baby's needs...
And I can't take it back... I can't breastfeed him again...
His crying has lessened and he is generally happy, I am convinced it has to do with my style of parenting, he trusts me, he knows I am here to give him what he needs...
He has become more of a so called good baby than a fussy baby... But honestly, I miss him being fussy. It was a part of him and I made him go quiet, I feel like I shut down a part of his personality...
I feel like an awful mother.
Anyway... for anyone who bothers to read this, I am feeliing.... OK most of the time, I will try to get back on more now that I can and get in touch with people I care about again.... I miss you all, I miss VR, I even miss my old life... I feel like I have lost myself, but I need to regain strength both mentally and physically to get back in shape again, pick up my interests again and start living... only this time, with a baby... A beautiful baby :)
He really makes me want to have more babies... I can't wait to be pregnant again, which I am planning to be by the time Ryan is a bit more independent... Or just when he's 1 or 2 years old, I was born to be a mother, I know that... even though most of the time I feel like I suck at this role.
I TRULY recommend reading about attachment parenting and the book I mentioned... it really changed my whole perception of things, it's so... obvious, and natural...
Ryan is sleeping on me now, he will probably wake up to feed soon so I better end my rant here... First though, I want to post a recent picture of him... He is nearly 3 months now, just a week to go... :) And he has developed SO quickly, he is way ahead of the average development milestones... He has been from the beginning. I am so proud of him.
COMMENTS
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LAZARUSAD
12:00 Jan 31 2008
Hang in there... It gets better... It does. :)
And I don't care what anybody says, NOBODY is ready for parenting. lol
deathnitegrl
12:50 Jan 31 2008
Just be brave and patient and everything will be fine.
I know how much being a housewife sucks, I have to live that life at my parents' house, and it sucks more considering they don't appriciate anything.
But I am sure you will make it, and you have Yendor too :)
TheDarkWolf
13:24 Jan 31 2008
Karolina...remember this....you are never truly alone...you have Yender and Ryan...you also have all your friends on here.