Everything and nothing... Part 219:25 Aug 01 2009
Times Read: 1,036
Last night Ryan slept for an amazing 12 hours... (Might have to do with the fact that he only napped for 1,5 during the day, yes I meddled with his sleep again which I should learn not to do)... So naturally, he was very rested today and in fact didn't want to nap when it was time. He woke up at 9.30 AM and didn't show any signs of being tired until 5 PM, but by then his grandparents came to pick us up and took us for a visit to their brothers and relatives... I haven't been there for a year and I don't particularly like going there, but I hadn't been told where we were going, Yendor's mom just phoned me in the morning and told me to be prepared at 5... They came at 5.30 PM... anyways... So I couldn't really say no, even though I would rather just have taken Ryan for a short walk given that he would want to sleep very soon...
They finally took us back home at 7.30 PM, after Ryan had been whining three times about going to the car for the last half an hour, I did my best to keep him happy and busy, and God Bless that boy because he was SO incredibly well behaved during the whole visit despite him being so tired. He was very cautious and shy though, as can be expected. He didn't want to go to anyone and frankly, he got a bit intimidated by their "RYAAAN!" (which honestly I can't blame him for) After a bit he warmed up though, but then he didn't want to sit still, I took him for a walk around the block and he was content.
He finally was let to sleep in the car on the way back home, he literally fell asleep after a minute. Now I am left feeling so guilty for having exhausted him and for him having missed his bedtime routine. Does this ever end? It really gets weary to worry about everything... It adds to my panic, and now I probably won't feel better again until he wakes up happy in the morning.
I hope he'll be getting back to his normal sleep routine though... Or well... If he could start sleeping more during the night and less during the day, that would be nice... because it gives me a very active and happy toddler during the mornings, not a tired and cranky one. He was happy the whole day today and didn't have a single tantrum or showed any discontent once. As weird as it feels being without Yendor, in a way it is much better... He is not distracted by our occasional bickering and it is much easier to pay him full attention rather than talking to each other over his head... Most of all, he is not left disappointed when he tried to initiate play with his father who not always listens to him. Even better than that, he hasn't asked me to watch anything on the computer once these days. Normally, whenever he sees Yendor by the PC which is often, he demands to watch a cartoon or a music video. Now he is content with me playing music from the mobile, I am being careful not letting him see me by the PC.
I truly hope that where Yendor is now he will use the time to really reconsider his role as a parent and think about what needs to change. He knows how I feel, at least he should. How many times can I tell him that he spends too little time with the boy? The worst thing is that after what happened, he swore off the computer... That lasted for about a week or so, then gradually he started slipping back again. The evening before he went Ryan had barely been with him if at all for the past two days, and when I was about to take him out to the park he went to Yendor who was sitting by the PC and said "Daddy go", took his hand and attempted to drag him to the door. Yendor got on my nerves badly then because he reacted as if he didn't know what Ryan wanted, either that or he is seriously not paying attention to his son at all... Because he kept replying with "Go where?" And then when Ryan came back to me to put his shoes on, most likely thinking that his daddy would come out with us, Yendor was back at the PC and I was about to just walk out and slam the door behind me... but I turned back and asked him "Are you coming or not?" and he said "No, no, you go".
Get it? Do you bloody get it??? He said no. HE SAID NO! Not even taking into consideration that his son was missing him and had kindly and so sweetly asked him to come with us! How could he do that to him! My heart broke a million times for Ryan at that moment... And then at the swings we played a game which we invented the one seldom time Yendor was with us, I started going "mommy' and then he is supposed to say "daddy" from the other side... And now Ryan looked around and didn't find him...
Then when we came back home, I was the one to give him a bath of course. Yendor DID come to bed for 5 minutes though to read him a book, only to go away again after that. The next morning he went out as soon as we woke up and that was that... Ryan hasn't seen him since then.
Do you understand where I am coming from?
I do not mean to nag at Yendor to take Ryan out more because I need it, I DO need it but it is more important to the boy than it is to me. Seriously, I don't understand this. I don't understand it because when it comes to me, the more time I spend with Ryan the more time I want to spend with him. It doesn't matter that I have him the whole day ever day, I feel like time is not enough for all the things I want to do with him. The few times I've gone to the cinema I've felt bad about missing out on the evening with him. I'm afraid I can't handle being away from Ryan much better than he can deal with being away from me.
Yendor said something very insightful during these weeks, he said "I really was never around, was I?" I simply replied "No". Unfortunately, this realization seems to have gone away as quickly as it came... Hopefully it will come back to him. Isn't it interesting that despite not working 6 days a week with one day off when he slept half the day, he was never around? Sure, he had a part time job now the past 2 or 3 weeks where he went out for a few hours every day... but apart from that, where the hell was he? We surely didn't spend more time together, or him with Ryan, and he didn't play or take care of Ryan more than he used to. Like I said, I don't understand him.
I really don't understand him, I just feel incredibly betrayed by him. Betrayed because I thought he'd be there for me, because when I was pregnant I trusted him not to leave me alone with Ryan and the household. As if that wasn't enough it turns out he's been risking everything and putting us in this situation... Can anyone blame me for being angry with him? For resenting him and at times even feeling hate and contempt towards him? For thinking about leaving him?
I am playing with the thought of just leaving everything behind, run away with Ryan and get a fresh start. I would go anywhere in the world, be it Canada, America, Australia, Egypt, France, Austria, whatever. I would go there and live there happily with my son.
Sadly, the truth is I could and would never do that. The immense sense of right and being loyal which has always been a great part of my personality, is starting to feel very annoying. I can't get past the fact that leaving Yendor behind would be extremely wrong and disloyal, I could never do that to him. The thing is that this doesn't make me noble, this whole staying loyal thing, being responsible and putting other people's feelings before my own. It makes me a coward. I should for once do what feels right for me and now, for my son as well.
Everything about Yendor irritates me, especially his cultural background because it is influencing his way of raising Ryan, a way which I strongly disapprove of because it will prove harmful to him. I can't begin to tell you how utterly fed up with Malta I am. I am so whole heartedly full of hatred for this place, its culture and its people that it truly makes me sick to my stomach that I'm tied to this forsaken place. It's not just about wanting to go back to my family and ways I'm familiar about it, it's the fact that the more I get to know this island the more I hate it. At first sight you are blinded by the magnificence of its history, the old and very beautiful sightings, the generosity and kindness of its inhabitants and the amazing scenery. That was that I first saw when I came here and continued to see when I was here during that summer I was pregnant... Though things were starting to look a bit uglier by then. It was a time when I insisted on moving here because of my intense desire to leave Sweden and find a new adventure, a new place to roam. It's a time I wish I could go back to and change the outcome of, with exception of having Ryan of course.
Giving the smallness and closeness of this country, it doesn't take much to truly get to know people and recognize them for what they are. It is honestly shocking to realize their narrow mindness, their insensitivity and harshness and especially their view on child raising. I absolutely detest everyone here because everyone is just the same! Especially when it comes to old people, don't even get me started on that. There is a good reason why I feel so strongly about Yendor's parents, the sad thing is that ALL old people are like them as far as I've seen. I'm sick of the way the ruin the English language with their abhorrent way of speaking, it's absolutely off the charts! And what's worse, I am unconsciously picking up on it because I'm constantly surrounded by it. I hate their mannerisms, their way of reasoning and dismissing, and most of all their mentality and like I said, their oblivious narrow mindness. My anger that rose after today's visit is slowly subsiding so I am running out on examples here... but to keep it short, in their eyes everything I'm doing in raising Ryan is wrong, wrong, wrong. They are so impatient, controlling and harsh when it comes to little children! They believe in slapping kids! They show no respect or sensitivity towards them! Yendor's sister has two daughters, 5 and 4 years, and watching them together with their parents is a nightmare. I can't stand it. I honestly can't blame Yendor for many things that he has done or what he's like, because they way he was raised must have affected him badly.
Today while we were there Ryan was a complete and adorable angel, the only time he cried was when he was telling me something and touched the pavement. Immediately this old hag burst out "NO NO NO NO" VERY loudly and coarsely and it truly scared Ryan to bits to be approached in this manner. He quickly turned to be, confused, hurt and sad, crying like crazy. It took me several minutes to calm him down. This is what I'm trying to get across, he is very, very sensitive. It has dawned upon me the way of people here, and not only here but everywhere, how rude and insensitive they can be. Who can question my desire to stay at home with Ryan and not trust him in the care of strangers? A little before we were leaving Ryan got very tired and impatient, and as he cried out "Caaar!" his grandmother said in an ignorant authority voice "We're going!!!" which also startled him. Honestly when I think about this, I'm glad she hasn't shown more interest in taking care of the boy. There are "no"s almost whatever he does, something which unfortunately has tainted Yendor as well, while I truly limit my "no"'s to dangerous situations when there is not time to go around it and find a more respectable and sensitive way of putting it.
There is so much to say about this matter that there probably is no beginning or end to it, I will just stop here or my rant will go on the whole night. My conclusion being, I CANNOT and WILL NOT raise him here. His grandfather said today while we were discussing his inheritance, "Born in Sweden, raised in Malta!" The only thing I could think was "Over my dead body". There is no way in hell I am keeping him here, allowing these people to have an sort of influence on him. Just take the fact that they asked me if he likes crisps, I told them no because he honestly doesn't eat them much, never asks for them and frankly they are unhealthy and I don't want anyone to feed that to my child. He only gets them when these people offer and I am too kind to protest. However, this time I told them "Better not give them to him because he doesn't eat them" they told the old hag of the household not to bother, do you think she cared? She brought a packet of it anyway, and of course with Ryan being tired and prone to tantrums I couldn't find a way out of the situation... It just pissed me off because it was so disrespectful. I see kids here every day walking around with their little bags of this shit and a coke bottle in the other hand, I DO NOT WANT RYAN TO GROW UP WITH THESE HABITS! I never give him these things, but when everyone else does it is extremely difficult to make him stick to your rules. I feel like I'm fighting a thousand men, which I am actually.
I must get him out of there, I must, I must, I must.
I need to get to bed to Ryan now, on a positive note... He did something so cute today, he threw the phone (the broken one) and the lid fell off... and he said "phone broken!" and then he took the lid and attempted to put it back and I said "Oh, why doesn't Ryan try to fix the phone?" And he got to work succeeding eventually, and he was SO proud of himself when he did! He kept playing with it for quite some time...
I love him so much it hurts, I know the meaning of those words now.
COMMENTS
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ladySnowStrixx
19:26 Sep 01 2009
Sweetie, its good your with a true friend , and maybe she can help you get better and stronger . you don't have to call the in laws just send a letter you don't even have to put a return address on it just say Were Fine and leave it at that .
ShatteredAngel
08:07 Sep 02 2009
I am hoping that you can find the peace and happiness you have been looking for there...
I am glad to hear that you have been able to reconnect with friends and be around other people, for both you and Ryan.