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Today I've realized the following things:



1. I'm being way too eager and overambitious with Ryan to the point where I overstimulate him. I need to stop worrying and cool down a few degrees.



2. Being thin doesn't change how you feel inside.



... although it helps your overall self-esteem and leaves your mind at rest cause you have nothing to obsess about anymore.



3. I need to make time to eat properly, have a shower, wash my face and at least put some mascara on just because it makes me feel better, happier and more relaxed.



4. I want to begin doing yoga again, if I'm not too tired by the time Ryan goes to sleep for the night I'm gonna try to dedicate at least 15 minutes doing some stretches.



5. Ryan is impatient and easily frustrated just like me.



6. I need to eat and drink healthier not for the sake of losing weight but to clean my body... Bad foods make me nervous and it affects my patience with Ryan.



7. I lack passion in my life.





There's so much more I have on my mind but I'm too tired to write it all down...

I swear, soon I'm gonna have to write a list of all the things I need to do with, sing to, tell and show Ryan every day.



I try my best not to waste a minute and constantly stimulate him, by 12 months he's supposed to be able to say a few words...



Although he's getting more mobile he's still not where he *should* be... He does stand up and take a few steps though and runs around like crazy in the walker. He loves going from lying position to sitting position only to fall back again laughing, and pulling himself up to a stand... although he still needs a tiny bit of help to do it comfortably. What bothers me is that he's neither crawling or shuffling on his bottom, God know he tries though and it frustrates him not getting anywhere... He does move around on his tummy though and seems to be getting better at it.



*sigh*



Why do I worry so much?



I want my boy to be the healthiest, strongest, most intelligent boy alive.

I want to give him everything I can and make sure I don't miss anything... Maybe I should take him swinging more? Or swimming? And he still needs company of his own age... Do I talk to him enough? Explain things well? Do the right animal sounds? Am I entertaining enough? Playing peek-a-boo enough times a day?



My concerns are endless and I spend the whole day trying to teach him as much as possible...

But I still worry it's not enough, I should do more...

I know he's intelligent, I just need to stimulate him. It's my job.



He loves finger foods... I baked bread for him today, he loves bread with avocado... And cheese crackers... I prepared him some salmon with potato mash for dinner but he wasn't hungry... He just had a bottle this morning, porridge with blueberries a few hours later and then went the whole day without anything until his night bottle...

Some days he just doesn't seem to want to eat.



He played the cutest game with me today too... He was lying on his tummy on the bed while I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth... He began to whine so I tilted my head on the side, smiling at him... He went quiet and tilted his head as well, then when he looked up I did as well and we went on like that for several minutes... lol



We went t the bookstore today and added 3 more books to his collection, I could buy him the whole store... He loves to read them with me, look at the pictures, turn the pages and sometimes chew on them too... :P



God I love him so much.

I'm actually feeling rather content, despite numerous things which *should* affect my mood.



Hmm...



This is weird.

Blah!



I am so sick of tiring myself!



I must stop putting this pressure on me and expect to do everything perfectly.



I must stop being so obstinate and proud.



I must accept the fact which Yendor has been trying to suggest for MONTHS... I need help.

But most of all I need company.

Ryan needs company!



He was SO happy being around people and occasionally babies back in Sweden... I feel sorry that I had to take him away from that and bring him back to a life mainly with me...



But it's tough moving to Sweden.

I can't get a job there, how the hell is Yendor going to get one then as an immigrant!?

Fucking country.



And then I know I am seeing it with positive eyes now as I'm not living there, in fact I am trying to remember how tired I felt of living there sometime ago. I was looking forward to moving abroad then...

The grass is never greener on the other side.



I have to be happy where I am in life, no matter the circumstances.

At least that's what I am trying to convince myself of now.



I want to take the CAE Exam in October but I am not at all prepared for it...

I need to find time to study, at least an hour a day. Most of all I need to find the WILL, the ENTHUSIASM and the DRIVE to do it.



If I pass my plan is to start working as a TEFL teacher... Since the working hours are around 9 AM to 1 PM on Monday - Friday, Ryan could stay at home with Yendor those hours since he works in shifts... There would only be 1 or 2 days where he'd have to be in kindergarten, or I just wouldn't work on those days.



I know I won't be able to stand being away from him, even for just 4 hours... But I have to do something and an extra income would be nice as well, I'm sick of living off Yendor's money... I don't need a man to provide for me.

(It also means I could buy more things for Ryan)



Maybe I should be realistic though and set the date for my exam in March instead... October is not far away and there is lots of studying to do... And then Ryan will only be 1 year in November, I think it's more reasonable to wait until he is a bit older than that before I leave him in someone else's care... For now I feel I want and I must be with him all the time.



I don't know what's going to happen with us moving to Sweden... God knows we both want to, for me mostly because of my mother, sister and friends, and for Ryan because I firmly believe he would have more opportunities to interact with children his age there.... And a change for better education as well. Those are really my reasons for wanting to move... Oh, and the cold climate of course. I hate this shitty, hot god forsaken island!

But, I'm trying to stay happy.



What I hate the most though is that time seems to have half the pace here... it moves so slooooowly! A day feels like 2 days do in Sweden.



Ryan is sleeping by my side now... He's grown so much that he can sleep on his own now, unless he wakes up looking for the breast of course... But I can leave him to sleep safely, before he used to wake up very easily as soon as he didn't feel my presence.



It doesn't mean I am moving him out of our bed though... I love sleeping with him next to me and he loves it as well, so why should I? If he feels more secure and loved this way that's all I need to know... He'll get his own bed when he's ready.



It's the same with breastfeeding... Although I have seen and read stories of mothers breastfeeding when their children are 7 or 8 years old... (!?!?!?) that feels a bit... sick... to me.

I can understand up to 3 years old or something, but after that it just doesn't seem right.



Anyway...



Tomorrow Yendor starts working again, it's going t feel weird being without him now that we've gotten used to his constant company... I wish we were rich and could spend every day together... But life sucks...



I'm gonna spend the day singing to Ryan, reading him stories, teaching him signs, being silly, tossing him up in the air, changing his nappies, feeding him, nursing him, napping with him, show him pictures of animals, giving him a bath, playing peek-a-boo, letting him run in the walker, going out for a walk, going to buy some more books for him.... And all that.



You know what the hardest job in the world is? Keeping a child's attention and interest alive.



He's becoming so much more alive and energetic now, I can't keep up with him and he's not even walking yet... Where do I get the energy?? I need to find a source somewhere... I understand now why parents send their kids to playgroups and such, it's hard to try and stimulate them by yourself.



I wish there was something here like a playgroup I could go to with Ryan, not a kindergarten I would have to pay for and where he's left alone, but somewhere we could go together and he could play with other babies... That's exactly what we need.



Damn, I'm really babbling today aren't I?



Well, one last thing that's on my mind... I'm going back to Sweden in the middle of November with Ryan... I feel bad about leaving Yendor here, I know it'll be tough on him being without us... I want to go for 2 weeks but seeing his desperation whenever I say that makes me want to cry... It feels useless going for a week, it passes so quickly, but at the same time making him stay without his son for so long feels so cruel... I don't know what to do... But I am going for sure, on the 19th I am going to go see Alter Bridge LIVE with my best friend!!!!!!!! I can't believe I'll finally get to see them, the musicians I've been a fan of since 9th grade...



Enough talking now, I'm off to do some stuff before I get to sleepy.



Good night :)

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Czekolada
08:24 Aug 29 2008

Men vaddå? Ska ni inte flytta längre? Nu hänger jag inte riktigt med här.. Ska du börja jobba därnere istället?

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Is there such a thing as being a perfect mother?



I am constantly worried about Ryan and afraid that I am not teaching and playing with him enough...



I'm trying to talk to him all the time, teach him sign language, read to him, make him laugh... but I feel like I'm not good enough.



I'm not good with routines, perhaps that's my problem. Days pass so quickly and I don't remember to read him the same story ever day or teach him the same signs, play the same games. Whatever we do it just happens not according to a special scheme.



Is it wrong? Should I try harder to make up a routine? Am I failing at mothering? Shouldn't he be able to play peek-a-boo by now?



3 weeks have passed now and I've barely read a story for him. I feel horrible, 3 weeks is a lot for a baby. A lot of time to learn.



And then Ryan has got such a temperament, he's so energetic and full of life... Lately he's been getting angry a lot, perhaps it's frustration. My worry is that he doesn't seem to listen to me... His attention is always elsewhere. I try to tell him about the cat in the book but he's not even looking at me.

Is this normal???



*sigh*



I see these mothers who have decorated their babies rooms so neatly, put up pictures of them, noting down every single happening in their little baby books... I can't even recall when Ryan first laughed! It just happened and I didn't think about noting it down.



I want to turn back time, it's all moving too fast...



Am I a bad mother? I feel awful, terrible, disastrous.



I'm not ready for this, I never was.

I'm not prepared, I'm lost, I don't know what to do.

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Sevenn
19:15 Aug 27 2008

There is no such thing as a perfect anything. My brother and sister in law have 4 young children and they still come across new situations and "make mistakes". Children are resiliant. They require food, water, and love. You sound like quite a normal mother actually. The feelings of wondering if your entire personhood has been subliminated by motherhood are pretty normal as well. Maybe someone can watch your child and you can go away for a weekend to get back in touch with "you"? You sound much "nicer" than my own early memories of my mom. Standards change generationally. For example, we got spanked, they don't do that much now...but back in the day...my mother can catch a bug in mid-flight like Mr. Miagi...she's fast! And when we were young you couldn't outrun her...of course she denies it all now and we all laugh about it! Point is, relax. It sounds like you put alot of undue pressure on yourself. Babies DO know when their people are happy or not. =)

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deathnitegrl
07:34 Aug 28 2008

Exactly there is no perfect anything.



You are a person you have your limits you can't be a perfect mother but a great one and I am sure you are.



*hugs*

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Btw, I've stopped worrying about Ryan not crawling... I was with him at the doctor's and his weight is perfectly normal and in proportion to his height... He's slightly above average in both.



I'm proud of my big boy! Everyone says he's really strong for his age... and he's got quite a temperament, when he gets angry he REALLY shows it.



A few days ago he began trying to pull himself up to standing position, now he does it whenever he can! Yesterday he was doing it in his bathtub... And he's taken his first steps as well.



The one thing that really concerns me now is the language... at age 1 babies should understand simple commands and perhaps even say a few words... Can he get used to Polish without it delaying his development?



Anyway... This is our last day here and I have much to do. I wish I could stay, but me and Ryan are coming back in November...



He's waking up, gotta go.

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LadyChordewa
19:51 Aug 26 2008

Some kids skip crawling hon..and go straight to walking. As long as the doctor finds him healthy and normal in all aspects, don't worry.



Generally they recommend that the child learn one language until about age 5 or 6...that is when they can start to understand the differences in the language and can start learning another. Otherwise, they tend to get confused.

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After having spent 3 weeks with my family I am feeling bad about not speaking to Ryan in Polish...



I've noticed that my speech is more fluent and relaxed when I speak my native language, not strained.



I've read that babies can learn two languages as long as they are divided between two persons...



But these 10 months I've been speaking to Ryan in English for the most part, is it too late to change? Will it confuse him too much if daddy keeps speaking English and mommy suddenly sounds different?



*sigh*



I don't know what to do, my heart tells me to speak Polish but I don't want to risk getting my boy confused.

I am as far from happy as a person can get.



Why?



I either don't know or am not ready to face it.



I look into those wonderful eyes of my son and I feel guilty for not being happy... His smile should fulfill me and make everything go away, isn't it supposed to be like that?



I had the worst birthday of my life and it has nothing to do with not getting presents or family not showing up, but my misery. Even when I was in my worst period of the depressive anorexia hell I didn't feel this bad.



I feel like my life is over, that is the truth.

God knows I love my son above everything but the person I was before his birth is lost.

I am just a mother.



I am not a daughter, a lover, a friend or a woman.

I am a mother.



Is it living in Malta which is depressing me?

Probably, but only to a certain degree.

Although I don't know how I'm going to go back there now... I am honestly dreading ever end of the day because it brings doomsday closer.



I don't want to fo back to my endless and lonely life.

I hate Malta.

I hate it because it makes me so miserable.



If it wasn't for Ryan... I could just stay here in Sweden, live here, study here.



But I'm tied by the neck now, I need to go where Yendor is.



Sure, he agrees to moving here... but that can take ages, finding work. I need it to happen now. I can't spend another 6 months living like this.



How can you stay patient when every fucking day wears you down bit by bit?



Not even buying Ryan things cheers me up anymore, and to think I'm already on bloody antidepressants! Time for increased dosage maybe?



Yendor doesn't make me happy.

It's not his fault but I feel I'm not nearly as close to him as I once was. I don't know where I am.



Sex is out of the question, with him and anyone.



I don't even want to kiss the man anymore, I just want to be left alone.



I am thinner than I was before I got pregnant, too thin everyone says and it doesn't make me happy.... I want to lose more weight.



I am losing my hair too, it's like half is gone and it just keeps falling off. Is hair loss a symptom of depression?



God help me... No, really, please God help me.

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Maledicta
02:31 Aug 10 2008

Yes, hair loss is one of the symptoms of depression. I can sympathise, I'm having the symptom too, though for something else. But having suffered from depression in the past, I know what it's like. Be grateful you have your gorgeous son and keep it together, if only for him :-)

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Czekolada
17:16 Aug 10 2008

Just wanna tell you one thing. Maybe you call yourself "just a mother", but you are so much more. To me you are a friend and not just A friend. You are the best friend in the world! To me you'll never be "just a mother". You'll always be my precious.

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deathnitegrl
05:18 Aug 21 2008

Concentrate on the good things you have instead of the negative ones.



You have a lovely son and respectful boyfriend, be happy you got that, there are people like me who can't say they have the luck you have.

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I am turning 21 tomorrow.



O.o

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DireConsequences
21:22 Aug 07 2008

Happy early birthday, hun!

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I'm losing weight again.



Yep, yep, I'm sticking to not eating carbs now.



A little more time and I'll reach 55kg...

Or less.



He he.

I'm so damn depressed I can't even find words to describe it.

It began last night and I thought it would just disappear by morning, but no...



I feel so shitty and I have a feeling it's got to do with my current weight, but most of all because I'm more and more feeling like a bad mother... I feel like I'm failing motherhood and my son in every possible way.



I don't know what to do...



I put him in his walker and on the floor with his toys, on back, tummy and sitting down whenever I'm not cleaning and carrying him around or going for walks with him.



I read and sing to him every day, I bathe him and play with him as much as I can, I make animal sounds to make him laugh, I feed him before he starts crying for food, I nurse him as often as he wants...



And he is such a happy baby, unless he's hungry or tired. He wakes up with a smile every morning, when I'm cleaning he silently observes me, he looks up at me and smiles so much... He knows that he is loved and cared for.



And yet I always feel like I'm not doing enough. I want him to learn to speak, learn to crawl, learn to make gestures but I feel lost in how to teach him these things.



Most of all I feel alone in trying to teach him.



I want to teach him Polish but being so far away from home and constantly surrounded by English makes it a struggle for me to speak my native language.



Then again, I'm guilty of being quiet with him too much, I often have to force myself to talk to him, explain to him what I'm doing and such...

It's in my nature to be quiet, I need to have people around me to stimulate me to talk as stupid as it sounds.



What am I doing wrong? Why isn't he strong enough to crawl? I do give him tummy time, perhaps not enough, another proof of what a bad mother I am.



I should have spent my pregnancy reading all the baby books I could come across, why didn't I think of that?



Fuck, I'm a young and very inexperienced first time mother but I can't blame it all on that anymore. I'm an irresponsible mother who makes mistakes on a daily basis. I shouldn't even be allowed to be a mother! I want the best for my son and I'm failing in giving it to him.



*sigh*



Anyway... while Ryan is still napping I'm going to shop Polish children's books from an online store I just found...perhaps it will cheer me up.

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Yendor
03:55 Aug 05 2008

Easy honey, don't stress to much on having him bearing the fruits of our sacrifices, remember he's still a baby & it's ok that he takes his time to learn, as you said he's a very happy baby as I see so myself every single day, let him cherish that as much as he can as it will be only once for him in this lifetime of his, I can very much understand your preoccupation about him learning polish but don't underestimate him, just remember to keep speaking to him in Polish as well as English & you'll see for yourself how much he will sponge up all you teach him... many time children do impress us with their ability so we don't need to inforce it too much onto them... I've never come across such a outstandingly caring mother as you are believe me honey *kisses*. :)

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I woke up at 7 AM this morning feeling like shit... My whole body was shaking out of weakness and exhaustion and I felt so nauseous I could barely walk.



I had to wake up Yendor to take care of the baby... but Ryan was so fussy... I realized because he hadn't rested enough and was hungry... So I asked Yendor to prepare him a bottle and I had to feed him lying down as I was afraid I'd throw up if I moved.



Luckily though Ryan fell asleep for another 3 hours which gave me enough rest.. I still feel weak and a bit nauseous but not as much.



Today I haven't had time to eat, wash my hair, or play with Ryan like I should have because the house was too messy and as I don't get help in cleaning it... it takes me most of the day.



I could write a whole essay here on why I'm pissed as fuck but it's old news, same shit that never changes.



I can't wait until I get to Sweden... I'll finally get some rest and there I can trust my mother to take care of Ryan for half an hour without panicking.



2,5 days left...



God now I just went from pissed to depressed, sigh.

These books are being sent to me now...









http://www.amazon.com/Baby-Language-Basics-House-Lifestyles/dp/1401902901/ref=pd_sim_b_13









http://www.amazon.com/Baby-Minds-Brain-Building-Games-Your/dp/0553380303/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1217716114&sr=1-1









http://www.amazon.com/BabyTalk-Strengthen-Ability-Understand-Communicate/dp/0345437071/ref=pd_sim_b_2









http://www.amazon.com/Good-Nights-Parents-Family-Peaceful/dp/0312275188/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1217717946&sr=1-1









http://www.amazon.com/Attachment-Parenting-Book-Commonsense-Understanding/dp/0316778095/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1217717890&sr=1-1







...There goes another 50 euro and Yendor will kill me!!!



...Aaah but if I could I'd buy another 10 books. I want to read and learn about everything I can do to encourage Ryan's skills and personality.



....I want those books NOW!!!

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Yendor
00:13 Aug 03 2008

If I had to kill anybody right now, that would be myself... but given that it's for our baby then it's *sigh* fine! I still think the baby sign language book is just a bunch of shite... he will learn to talk anyways eventually!!

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Conversation with my mother:



Mom: What is Ryan doing?

Me: He's nursing as always

Mom: Oh... Can he go to sleep without nursing??

Me: Not really... unless he's outside in the car seat or something.

Mom: Then how am I going to put him to sleep! You have to leave him with me and get some time for yourself.

Me: I'll just go out at times when I know he won't be tired.

Mom: *sighs* Oh Karolina, I think you've spoiled him too much...



...



GAH! He is NOT spoiled!

Fine, I sleep with him, I carry him, I bathe with him, I rarely leave him by himself, I constantly breastfeed him... but that's the way it's supposed to be dammit!



I'm building a strong bond to my baby here and that's what matters.

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Czekolada
20:20 Aug 02 2008

Klart du ska vara nära din son. Bara det inte blir som med din syster sen.. Ja, du vet nog vad jag menar med det. Hon hade ju lite svårt att vara självständig..

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FINALLY! It took me a couple of pounds but today I began feeling fat again! Goodbye carelessness, hello obsession!



I know I sound insane and with good reason... I am insane. My obsession has been a part of me for so long that I feel lost without it. I can't let go of it, it's my friend, it keeps me in control... and it means that I care about my appearance, meaning I'm not lost in darkness.



God I hate that place.



Tomorrow is a new day and a new start for me and my diet struggles again.



I'm home...

Yendor keeps telling me not to worry about this, but I can't help being concerned...



Ryan has always been above average in weight according to the charts, I weighed him yesterday and although I couldn't get an exact weight since that scale added or took off a few grams depending on how he stood, I can estimate that he weighs about 9kg or less.



Now, there are different charts out there, according to some a healthy weight for a 9 month old is 7.4kg or such, to others it's 9kg...



In the first month of his life when he was exclusively breastfed he was gaining a bit less than average, but after we changed to formula he gained weight rapidly... I think in the first few weeks with formula we made the mistake of overfeeding him since I remember he used to spit up much... But around 3 months things were back to what they should be and he's not eating more than he needs, I never give him the bottle unless I know he's hungry.



But in all these months shouldn't he have regained a healthy body weight?



Sigh... I feel so extremely guilty, I just shouldn't have listened to anyone and hold on to my breastfeeding. Fuck.



I keep thinking I won't make the same mistake with my next baby, but my next baby isn't here now, Ryan is and I did this to him... I can never go back and change it.



What worries me is that he's not crawling... or attempting to take his first steps, shouldn't he be doing it by now? What am I doing wrong? How can I encourage his development, how am I a hinder to it? I don't want my child to be lazy, he needs to be driven and energetic or he'll end up like me and will never get anywhere in life.



I just want to be the best mom in the world to him...

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Deity
20:38 Aug 03 2008

Is he getting enough tummy time?

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