02:55 Sep 03 2025
Times Read: 147
I asked my therapist if there was a spectrum to BPD like there is with the Autism spectrum. I asked because I was researching and noticed a few things about myself I questioned. She was like no there isn't a spectrum and no you don't have that. Then she asked why I was wondering. I told her I wondered because one of the signs is strong emotions. She then shook her head and assured me with a "No, Elaine" and preceded to lists the reasons as to why not. But she did call me out and tell me that I do have stronger reactions when I am hurt or when I am 'wronged'. I then told her I did notice that about myself and I started working on being more mindful in how I respond to situations. In certain times I may have thought about what I was going to say, or the way I was going to react, but I didn't really take the right amount of time. Hypothetical situation: So and So does something to hurt/anger me. I take a few moments to think of a response. Because I'm not waiting long enough to process, I'm still allowing myself to speak out of hurt. If I would have taken longer in the processing time to make sure the first responses wasn't said out of anger or hurt, the flow of a situation could have been different.
She then asked do I know why I do that and I did. I do it because when I was younger and bullied I didn't often stand up for myself. So, now that I'm older and I do have the backbone to do so, I do it a bit extremely. It also has to do with abandonment issues. She called me out again and said 'Do you tend to push people away so they don't hurt you, or push them away if you think they are going to hurt you first?" I answered "Yup, that I do". She tend told me it makes sense with some of the things I've told her about my romantic past. She also told me that because my enneagram type is a level 4 wing 5, some of my personality traits can be similar some of the bullet points of BPD. Which was interesting after I went and looked up more information about my enneagram:
The Enneagram 4w5, or "Individualist" with a Five wing, is a personality type characterized by a blend of the Type 4's desire for identity and authenticity with the Type 5's intellectual curiosity and need for knowledge and independence. 4w5s are often private, thoughtful, and introverted, seeking to understand themselves and the world through deep introspection and creativity. They can be artistic, intellectual, and appreciate depth in themselves and others, but they may struggle with isolation, withdrawal, and a tendency toward melancholy.
Core Characteristics
Individuality and Authenticity:
Like all Type 4s, they are driven to discover and express their unique identity and feel deeply authentic.
Intellectual Curiosity:
The Five wing adds a strong desire for knowledge, insight, and understanding, leading them to investigate complex ideas.
Introverted and Reserved:
With both the 4 and 5 being withdrawn types, 4w5s are often private and need time alone to process their thoughts and emotions.
Creativity and Expression:
They often channel their internal experiences and intellectual insights into creative pursuits like writing, art, or music.
Melancholy and Sensitivity:
They are sensitive to their own emotions and can be prone to melancholy or a feeling that their life is difficult.
Strengths
Deep Self-Understanding:
They are driven to understand themselves and their unique perspective on life.
Intellectual Depth:
They possess a profound capacity for deep thought and can analyze information to form unique concepts.
Artistic and Insightful:
Their inner world fuels a rich creativity and the ability to offer unique perspectives.
Appreciation for Authenticity:
They seek genuine, soulful connections and are drawn to depth in themselves and others.
Challenges
Withdrawal and Isolation:
The combination of their core Type 4 and Five wing can lead to excessive isolation and difficulty connecting with others.
Melancholy and Self-Preoccupation:
They may get lost in their own depressing thoughts, sometimes forgetting that others also experience struggle.
Envy and Elitism:
They might feel envious of others or develop a sense of intellectual superiority, leading to elitism.
Misunderstood by Others:
Their need for independence and solitude can be misinterpreted as aloofness, making relationships challenging.
Growth and Development
Engage with the World:
It's important for 4w5s to find opportunities to engage with the world and share their insights, preventing excessive withdrawal.
Balance Solitude and Connection:
Learning to balance their need for solitude with the desire for deep, authentic connections is crucial for healthy relationships.
Acknowledge External Struggles:
Practicing empathy and recognizing that others also have their own struggles can counter their tendency to become overly self-absorbed.
Create Tangible Work:
Using their deep inner world and intellectual insights to create something tangible can be a powerful way to connect with others.
I have always have some level of self awareness. Now I see that I needed to really dive deeper into that for personal growth. I'm not perfect. I am going to mess up because I am human. But I am taking the time in order to better myself. Will I still have my asshole moments? Oh, for sure because change doesn't happen overnight.
It feels kind of ... freeing in a sense.
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