xXBOOGEYMANXx's Profile at Vampire Rave.

PROFILE BEING REBUILT

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NEW CONSTRUCTION

Pulvis et umbra sumus

How those words echo on and on inside my mind, like a rubber ball bouncing down an endless staircase. As if they had a life of their own. Which, I suppose, they do now.

I have never begun a profile with more misgiving but I cannot sleep and is it any wonder? Outside, blue-white lightning strikes like a giant's jagged claw and thunder so loud at times that I feel I must be trapped inside an immense bell, the reverberations like memory unspooling in a reckless helix, making a mess at my feet. Which partly brings me here now, as an engine of creation to unearth from the silty riverbed of my mind fragments of truth.

in the absence of light there is only darkness
By now the question of "who I am" has likely crossed your mind.
That is after all the purpose behind a profile most of the time right ? The attempt to define oneself for others.
It's such a simple question that we all ask one another without thinking about the obvious depth behind it. The truth is, it's a lifelong quest that we all seek the answer to, but desperately try to obscure parts from one another. We hide the parts of us that are difficult to understand, that are difficult to accept.
I would like you to think on this as your personal answers will determine if you should attempt to open communication with me or continue on your way and not worry yourself over the what if’s and the how so’s.

          Would it be easier if we remained nameless?
          Perhaps even faceless?
          Would people not like us the same?

Now most of my tale will be uninspiring and remarkably typical. The standard laundry list of "filler material" you find on profiles around here. I assure you the rate box will never be that far away if you wish to stop and scroll past anything else to rate quickly and move on to the next person. If you are still with me, we face the dilemma together: ratings based on written content vs ratings based on overall appearance, flow, form and personal taste. So with this in mind I will step forward out of the obscure darkness to weave the shadows and allow you a small, short glimpse behind the smoke and mirrors.

I understand that very rarely any of us appreciate going in totally blind so perhaps with this bit of insight you will be satisfied enough to actively seek more.

I am no one of importance to you though I have the noblest of blood in my veins. I was born into a family able to trace its lineage back generations with unbroken succession to royal title. I was born to command and to dominion, even if such is no longer the normal call of duty. I grew up in a secluded provincial town surrounded by ancient mountains with a rich culture of traditions and though I often look back fondly I have some regret at how so much of my youth was spent away from not only my home but my family while seeking higher education. On the positive side, my childhood was nothing short of an adventure. I was privately tutored up to a certain age which afforded me several seemingly carefree summers of boyhood bliss which I spent roaming the idyllic expanse of my family estate before leaving to explore the vast unknown that later simply became known to me as 'dormitory living'.

So little said and yet so quickly and easily I find myself prattling on and likely boring you to tears already. I did promise a short glimpse not a full length autobiography so I do apologize for being verbose. Let us sum up what could be a lengthy section all on its own and say that I did all that was to be expected of me and more when it came to education and that I grew into a very well-educated adult. I am somewhat proud in this regard so if any reading this have further interest do feel free to inquire privately.

I sit here, somewhat lost within the options of 'what next' desperate to piece together something different and unique, but the words remain silent and the concepts evasive. Why is it often so difficult to define oneself ... are we incapable of defining ourselves or are we simply unwilling? Deep down the basic answer would be both because we change. In a single page we try to achieve a level of individual identity, but it is not merely a passive question we answer; everything said has the risk of negative consequences, how does the reader, behind the screen perceive me. Ultimately though it all becomes unnecessary; we all possess the capacity to redefine ourselves. We are always someone different.

In the intricate tapestry of my existence, threads of personal inclinations, fervors, and aversions intricately embellish the fabric of who I am. Like whispered secrets exchanged with the night, I now reveal a glimpse into my predilections, antipathies, and the pursuits that ignite the very essence of my being.

Deep within the recesses of my soul, a profound ardor for the arts blossoms, permeating every fiber of my being. The harmonious cadence of melancholic symphonies brings solace, their poignant notes intertwining to narrate tales of love and loss. The realms of literature and art exert a profound influence over my heart, transporting me to far-flung lands, captivating my senses with tales of daring escapades, and unraveling the enigmatic complexities of the human psyche.

But my passions extend beyond the realm of the arts. A longing for knowledge propels me forward, driving my relentless pursuit of wisdom and understanding. History, mythology, and the esoteric arts beckon me to unravel their secrets, delving into ancient texts in search of timeless wisdom. The pursuit of knowledge is an eternal flame that fuels my restless spirit, guiding me along a path of enlightenment.

Art, in its myriad forms, is my muse, breathing life into my very essence. I am drawn to the strokes of a brush, witnessing the transformation of blank canvases into vibrant masterpieces. The sculptor's chisel carving ethereal forms fascinates me, as it brings forth beauty from blocks of stone. And the rhythmic melodies that reverberate through the strings of a violin resonate deep within my soul, evoking emotions that words alone cannot express.

Each art form, whether it be the written word, the stroke of a brush, or the melodies that dance through the air, becomes a portal into the realm of emotions. Through these portals, I unravel the depths of the human experience, gaining insights into the intricacies of life and finding a means to express the inexpressible.

Thus, the tapestry of my existence is woven with the threads of my passions for the arts, knowledge, and the boundless exploration of the human experience. It is through these pursuits that I discover the true essence of who I am, and they continue to shape and define me in profound ways.

While the threads of my passions and pursuits weave together to form a vibrant and meaningful fabric, there are also threads that stand in stark contrast. These are the threads that do not resonate harmoniously with my spirit, creating dissonance in the symphony of my life.

Among these discordant threads, I find myself recoiling from the cacophony of shallow minds that thrive on ignorance and judgment. The superficiality and pretense that permeate certain circles act as veils, obscuring the true beauty of authentic connections and genuine interactions. In the pursuit of depth and meaning, I choose to distance myself from the masks that conceal true personalities, seeking instead the company of open-minded individuals who share a similar thirst for knowledge and intellectual curiosity.

By avoiding the shallow waters, I navigate towards the depths where profound conversations and genuine connections flourish. I am drawn to those who embrace a spirit of inquiry, who approach life with a thirst for understanding and a willingness to explore diverse perspectives. In their company, I find solace and a shared passion for delving into the complexities of existence.

As I traverse the tapestry of life, I seek to surround myself with individuals who appreciate the beauty of authenticity and who value the exploration of ideas and experiences. It is through these meaningful connections that I find resonance and a sense of belonging amidst the vast and intricate mosaic of human existence.

- Reflections of an Enigmatic Journey -

In the ever-unfolding narrative of my existence, there lies a symphony of experiences that have shaped the intricate mosaic of who I am. Like a traveler on a winding path, I have ventured through realms both mundane and extraordinary, weaving threads of introspection and exploration. I found myself born into a world where lineage bears the weight of history, I hailed from a lineage steeped in noble origins, tracing its roots through generations of regal heritage. Though despite these grand beginnings, my journey has taken me far from the lofty halls of tradition, guiding me toward the uncharted territories of self-discovery.

Childhood was my canvas of adventure, a realm of boundless curiosity where sun-soaked days were spent amidst the embrace of ancient mountains and quiet nights whispered the secrets of the universe itself. Education, a beacon of transformation, beckoned me from the quiet provincial town of my upbringing, leading me into the throes of higher learning. With each page turned and each concept grasped, I journeyed into the realm of knowledge, shaping my mind into a vessel of understanding and curiosity.

Yet, woven into the fabric of my persona is a paradox, an enigmatic duality that defines me. Strong and confident, I've stood as a beacon of leadership when circumstances demanded, guiding others with unwavering resolve. Yet, beneath this veneer of strength lies the intricate labyrinth of doubts and mistrust, a cloak of self-doubt that shadows my steps. Relationships, like fleeting constellations in the night sky, have left their mark upon my soul. Intertwined within the currents of human connection, I've tasted both the sweetness of camaraderie, however fleeting, and the bitterness of isolation. Trust, a fragile commodity, is hard-won, even with my own reflection in the mirror. In the realm of emotions, I grapple with the complexity of my own depths. Yearning for authenticity, I seek a connection unburdened by masks, a bond where the spectrum of human emotion is embraced without reservation. Yet as night's dark shadow descends, the whispered voices remind me... all others will fail. It is not a question of if, only when.

- Fragments of Self -

In this labyrinth of existence, I am both a constant and a contradiction - a soul balanced precariously between the light and the shadow. I am not a puzzle meant to be solved, nor a book meant to be read cover to cover in a single sitting. Instead, I am a mosaic of fragments... some polished to a sheen by time and experience, others jagged and raw, still waiting to be understood. These pieces, though disparate, tell a story that is uniquely my own, shaped by the paths I’ve chosen and those I’ve stumbled upon.

Solitude has long been my companion, not out of a disdain for connection, but out of an understanding of its value. In the quiet, I find a sanctuary to think, to reflect, to create. The world is loud - filled with fleeting interactions and empty exchanges that leave me longing for depth and authenticity. I have always sought meaning in connection, a sense of purpose and belonging that can only come from truly understanding someone and being understood in return. My trust, though not easily offered, is steadfast once earned. Yet, it carries with it the weight of past betrayals... echoes of connections that crumbled under the strain of misunderstanding or deception. These memories linger like shadows, neither forgotten nor entirely forgiven, shaping the caution with which I approach new interactions.

I am a seeker by nature, driven by curiosity, not only for the world and its endless mysteries but also for people and the stories they carry within them. The world is filled with beauty, but it is often found in the overlooked details: the flicker of candlelight against a shadowed wall, the first hesitant notes of a song being strummed on an old guitar, or the way someone’s eyes soften when they speak of something they love. It’s in these small, quiet moments that I feel most connected to the human experience, where the noise of the outside world falls away and leaves only a sense of clarity.

Yet, like the tides, I am not without my storms. There are days when I find myself pulled into the darker recesses of my mind, questioning the purpose of my journey and whether I will ever truly be known or understood. I have lived long enough to know that perfection is an illusion, but I still wrestle with the shadows of self-doubt, the what-ifs, and the echoes of choices I wish I had made differently. But even in these moments, there is a quiet resolve within me - a belief that meaning can be found even in chaos, that growth often comes from the places that feel most uncertain.

I do not claim to be simple, nor do I expect to be easily understood. To know me is to accept both the steady ground and the shifting tides, to see both the brightness of my convictions and the shadowed corners where doubts sometimes dwell. I am a soul of dualities: both quiet and passionate, cautious and daring, thoughtful and spontaneous.

To those who find themselves drawn into my orbit, I offer no promises, no guarantees. I am what I am... complex, imperfect, and endlessly curious. But for those who tread softly and seek depth, you may find within me a kindred spirit, someone who understands the weight and beauty of an unfinished story. And if you choose to walk beside me for even a chapter, know that I will meet you with authenticity, honesty, and a willingness to explore the intricate and often messy intricacies of what it means to be human.

Here, in the fragments, is where I reside. A collection of pieces waiting for the next chapter to be written. Will you stay and help turn the page?

I have to wonder if I have placed all this in vain or if the spark will give life to a new flame. If you wish to better know me, the choice is simple.

{ More to be added }