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Why is there always a guy in my life that is right there on the edge of being the one and on the edge of not even seeing me when I am right there. There have been a few guys that I have been with that have been right there, that I thought I had in my grasp for a few months and then everything gets turned upside down. But the weird thing is they always seem to stay in my life. One ended up as a really close friend. One other moves away but we talk about fantasies of if we were still together, or what if we were never dated. There is still hope in that relationship, but I have to move up there. I may want to go there, that means that I would have to move away from my family, friends, things that I am familiar with. Yes I have moved to three different cities within a few years of each other, but I have always moved back home... I would have to move to New York, I was born and raised in Florida. Kind of a huge change for me! Something that maybe that I could get use to, maybe I won't. There is something that I might need to try out within this year. (That is going to be another journal entry whenever I get the chance to write it.)

So now on to the current fling thing where I am currently living. We met at work, working for the same company, seeing each other at least once a day. For about a month this lasted. I was only in this town for about a month when I went to a farewell party for a driver that was leaving. Don't really know why I went there, didn't know the guy that was leaving but thought it would be good for me to go out and hang out and drink with other coworkers. He was there with his roommate. I always had a crush on him, he was not my type at all, but there was just something about him that pulled me to him, that made me so attracted to him. I remember I was just getting there and he pulled up a seat for me. I of course had a huge smile on my face like a idiot. He must have known that I was having a thing for him. He bought me a shot, what a gentlemen he was! We laughed and smiles at each other like we knew each other for years. Then the song " Let Me Love You Tonight" by the Pure Prairie League. I laughed and turned and started talking with another coworker. A few minutes went by and I think that the song was over. I turned back to him, we started chit chatting again. Laughing, drinking and having a good time. Time that I never felt before. It felt like time stood still when he was talking with me and with him. It is strange how I remember almost every detail of the time in Kelly's Bar and Grill. Where the tree was growing right in the middle of the place, there were tables placed all around it with twinkle light draped everywhere. Then the song "Just In Love" by Joe Jonas and Lil Wayne came on, he grabbed my hand a took me to the middle of the room and we started dancing. I would have never thought he was the dancing type. I laughed and smiled the whole time till he turned me around and pull me against his body, We were moving to the flow of the music, like we were in sync with each other. His hands were wandering on my body, my cheeks are getting really red because people were looking at us and whispering. I knew that they must have saying "that new girl is a slut" or something in that nature. (I was actually totally wrong, they were whispering how happy he looked. They have not seen that happy in at least a year. Made my heart melt when the boss man told me the next day at work). Things that night were something else. I sure as hell didn't want it to end. He actually told me that he didn't want it to end. When the dancing and drinking was finished, like a couple hours of me getting there, everyone was leaving, he pulled me to the side and invited me to go to dinner with him. I was shocked that he asked me. Did not think that I was that lucky to get an invite that early. Blah Blah Blah. That was the night that we started everything, started me opening my heart again, I have never opened my heart that much before in my life.

That month that we were together felt like we were together for years. Everyone who did not know us thought we have been together for years, not knowing that we have been together for only a few weeks. But I remember that day when I came over to his place after work, everything was going the usual pace. I went over before he got off and started cooking dinner for him and doing laundry, the same that I did almost every night. (Ever since that first night of being together, we didn't spend one night apart for each other.) He came home and went straight to the TV and started watching TV. He never watches TV unless I make him watch it. I was thinking that maybe he had a bad day at work. It was really busy that day. After dinner, we start talking about each others day and making fun of tourist that we thought were funny. Then had our nightly drink together on the porch watching the sunset go down. He actually wasn't touching me for once. I thought that was strange but blew it off. But that night was the last night that we had dinner together and watching the sunset together.

His ex was back in his life, the one who broke up with him, broke his heart, faked being prego, hurt him so bad that he burned his upper arms and shoulders with a cig so he wouldn't have to feel his broken heart. She wheezled back in. He told me that her mom has cancer and she wanted him to help her to go through it. Moral support. But he did not want me to drag me through it. It wasnt fair to me. Blah Blah Blah. When he said that we needed to take a break I saw that he was fighting back something, saw something in his eyes, so sad and lost, not knowing what he was doing was the right thing. I remember placing my hand on my mouth and looking at him, trying to hold back the pain that I felt in my heart, tearing my heart apart. He stepped closer and i stepped back. I walked to his room, shaking my head. I closed the door and walked around his room, looking at the pictures of us, the things that I made him. I grabbed my favorite pillow and keys and started to walk out the door. He was on the porch waiting for me. His eyes were red, he must have been crying. I grabbed my arm and pulled me close, wrapping his arms around me, slightly swaying. That is when i broke down, when I felt him shake from head to toe. He knew what he was doing was wrong. We stayed there for what felt like hours, but I am sure it was just five minutes in each other embrace. I looked up and kissed in on the forehead and whispered in his ear, "I love you, I will be here when you need me" and walked away.

That was eight months ago. Almost to the day actually when I think about it. Just two weeks ago he came back into my life. We talked about just being friends, nothing more, nothing less. He broke my heart and i tore it out and placed it in a sealed box, hidden away from everyone. He couldn't and wouldn't hurt it again. We started hanging out. The first night that he came over was awkward at first but went to like we were best friends again. But I totally acted different. I was the person I was a year ago, using guys to get what I wanted from them. Used them for sex. He knew what I was doing, he knew me well. That night is going to be in a different entry. This one is getting way to long.

THE END OF THE BEGINNING...