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Your Yard Gnome, Your Best Friend
07:10 May 30 2006
Times Read: 1,106




My life has been a nightmare. My father was a woman, and my mother was a fifteen-year-old French poodle who smoked drywall. The fondest memories I retain from childhood were when the family came together in the evening for ritual satanic abuse. Otherwise, they kept me manacled in the basement.



My only companions there were a lawn gnome and his pet flamingoes. He was so non-judgmental. He accepted me for who I was. I was never not good enough for the lawn gnome. He was my best friend. I told him everything: my hopes and fears, my traumas, my loves. He in turn told me about his crush on the lawn gnome next door, which helped me accept my own sexual orientation toward yard ornaments.



Since then, many of my problems have been caused by people. Every asshole I've ever met was a person. Many things that people have done really suck. But name one evil, vicious, or stupid act ever performed by a lawn gnome. Adolf Hitler, Jeffrey Dahmer, Terrence and Phillip, Jack Abramoff, Shitstuffer Cripply - I mean Christopher Shipley: none of them, as far as we know, are lawn gnomes. Coincidence? I hardly think so.



Lawn gnomes are our moral and intellectual superiors. If the U.S. Senate was replaced entirely by concrete dwarves it would, admittedly, be hard to notice the change.



Lawn gnomes are role models. They don't gamble or smoke cigarettes. They don't exactly say 'no' to drugs, but they don't have to: their silence speaks volumes. Have you ever seen an inebriated lawn gnome? A lawn gnome with a hangover? A lawn gnome at a titty bar? Lawn gnomes aren't greedy, duplicitous, or vicious. We should base all our actions on their example.



It is true that lawn gnomes are inanimate objects. But to deride them on that ground simply betrays one's bigotry. Inanimate objects are people too and should have the same constitutional rights as you and me, or, more deeply, as you and I. The history of our great nation has been a history of liberating the disenfranchised. We are in the process of extending the rights of citizenship to animals and the unborn. My friends: why not the inanimate?



I have a dream. I dream of a world where the people have been herded into internment camps and the lawn gnomes are in charge. It's a world where no one breaks those big glass purple balls or knocks the little jockeys off the rich people's lawns. It's a world safe for tackiness. I dream of a world that sucks much less than the current world. Then we'll be able to say, in the words of the old Negro spiritual, free at last free at last, thank God almighty we are free at last.