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Working early mornings sometimes has its benefits. Like I get to edit some of the weirdest interviews, call places like ABC or CNN to talk news and junk. This one phone call has forever changed my relationship with the guy I usually talk to (We will just call him Jim)
I called him like normal and we were talking about some videos I needed and also about the Cubs game (He is a big baseball fan) In the chaos of work I had people running around behind me asking me a million question while I was trying to get these videos from Jim. I'm going to try and recall this correctly.

Jim: Hey, I just send you those videos for your 4:30am show blah blah blah blah (News stuff) Hey did you see the game?(Cubs game)
Me: Thanks man and yeah I did blah blah blah (More News stuff)
Random co-worker: I need you to edit these 3 stories before 4am (It is 3:45am)
Me: *pulls phone away from ear* Get someone else to do it I'm busy and really?! 15 minutes?! *gets back on phone*

Random co-worker still talking to me even though they see the fucking phone to my ear! After about 3 minutes of this I snap without putting the phone down.

Me: FUCK OFF KAREN! WE ALL KNOW YOU DIDN'T DO YOUR FUCKING STORIES BECAUSE YOU WERE TOO BUSY SUCKING *other co worker's* DICK LAST NIGHT. NOW WIPE THE CUM OFF YOUR FACE AND DO YOUR JOB!
Jim: Wow......
Me: Oh fuck

In this moment I am trying to figure out how to fix this. Jim is a big tech guy at CNN, so you see how this worries me? I panicked and started talking out of my ass.

Me: I am so sorry........
Jim:.........
Me: Please for the love of God don't tell my boss
Jim: Are you kidding me?
Me: ???????
Jim: That was the greatest thing I have ever heard on a job call.
Me: Hahaha well I'm glad you aren't offended
Jim: Nah, I like feisty women with mouths like sailors
Me: Hahahahaha
Jim: So you single

I am laughing my ass off, of course he was joking with me! It's nice to know not everybody in this business is an up tight asshole. You have to have a sense of humor working in this business and I'm happy for these rare little moments.

Sometimes I feel like a doll in a little glass case just perched up on a shelve. People will come by and look at me, some talk about me, some point and laugh. Every once in a while I get pulled out, like a prize won at a carnival, look how I shine. It makes me happy, I feel safe and warm, almost dare I say loved. Sadly like the times before, I get put back. I start to panic because I did not know what I did wrong. With all my might I beat against the glass. I don’t want to be in here, I want to be with you on the outside, I want………….. They just told me to be quite, to sit still until I was needed again. It could be today or it could be tomorrow, or it could never happen again with the same owner. So now here I sit again, like the good girl I should be, watching the world go by. They say there is a reason I am here, but they won’t ever tell me. Do I care too much? Am I too clingy? Do I make you happy? Am I enough? I guess not……… So I’ll sit here waiting to have a purpose again. Make sure you’re not crying, they hate it when you cry, just smile.

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LORDMOGY
15:44 Jul 16 2018

Or you can break that fucking glass, escape, choose your own purpose in life and spend time having fun and enjoying the life you created for yourself and when they see you enjoying your life without them, not waiting on them to bring your life meaning, they'll probably stop taking you for granted.

Just one guy's opinion.

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xnnyfanx
15:50 Jul 16 2018

Your gif is so perfect!

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LORDMOGY
17:53 Jul 16 2018

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I love art in all forms. Hell I went to school to be an artist! Sadly my anxiety has made it impossible here lately for me to draw, or paint, anything that requires for my hand to be steady. I could be totally relax but my hand still shakes. At first I thought it was a health issue then later was informed it was because of the anxiety. That being said, every time I sit down to try to draw anything I can't keep steady. This frustrates me to no end and I usually give up. I had my nephew with me the other day, he likes to draw himself, and in fact I use to take him to all my art classes with me when I was still in school. Nephew was getting a little vexed that he couldn’t draw whatever it was. He asked me if I could draw it for him so he could watch me. Now in the past this kid use to sit in my lap and watch me draw and paint for hours. Since my anxiety, I haven’t been drawing lately, so I almost cringe at the request. I can’t say no to this kid, he is literally my whole world. (Been taking care of him since he was born) I somehow try to find excuses for why I can’t. I just didn’t want him to see me like this, shaking and nervous doing something I loved. I really don’t know what it was, but he somehow convinced me to do it. I sat down next to him and tried. My hands began to shake and my nerve was getting the best of me. Before I gave up, he moved into my lap, like he use to when he was younger.

Nephew- Auntie I know I’m big now but I wanna sit in your lap to watch

My nephew will be nine this year, but he has always been my cuddle buddy. When he got older he wanted to sit on his own so he could draw, which is cool with me. So for him to move into my lap again made me happy. For the first time in what feels like forever I could draw and not get frustrated, my hand didn’t shake and I could relax. After completing said request for my little cloud, he asked if he could sit in my lap and watch him draw. Watching this kid copy the drawing I just did was the most relaxed I have been in a long time. After he finished he very proudly showed me and then posted it on our art wall. (I have a whole wall decade to mine and his drawings we do together)

Nephew- You need to draw more!! I mean my drawings are pretty awesome but this is our wall Auntie!! So you have to put more pictures up!!

It’s amazing how children can state the obvious and we don’t because life has made us form a filter. Telling my nephew about why I haven’t been drawing lately he just huffs at me. He then tells me something I told him when I gave him his first sketch book.

Nephew- Remember!!! You can make art out of anything even mistakes!!! The only limit is your imagination!! So no more excuses!!

This is something I have told him, many of times in fact. Here I am hindering myself from enjoying something I love, when I should have been just doing it to begin with. I don’t want to say he is my favorite, but really, this kid is my favorite.

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xnnyfanx
14:05 Jul 09 2018

Omg, if you edit your journal it deletes your comments?!

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Working for Live television has taught me a few things so far. Everyone is watching so if you made a small mistake they will find it. It doesn't matter how much good you have done, if you screw up once then it's game over. Finally my favorite one, when there is a need to interview someone they always find the most backward ass people. That being said today was a fun edit for me to have to cut an interview. The woman looked like she had been on COPS at least one time, smoking a cigarette while hold a baby that was covered in what I believe to be dirt, Cheetos dust and kool aid (but we all know it's soda) wearing only a Pampers and a look of awe because he probably can't believe we actually interviewed his mother. I don't know either baby, I don't know either.

My anxiety has been through the roof lately and it is killing me. I feel like I'm trapped in a box trying to get out but I can't. I can hear voices coming from the outside and it makes me panic. I'm desperately trying to break free only to find that I am the only person keeping me in. I just need help out of this fucking box.

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markus666
00:49 Jul 08 2018

Do you ever consider Therapy with a Psycho therapy? Sometimes, thay can dig deep into you, and find the cause of your problem. Always here to talk.

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xnnyfanx
06:31 Jul 08 2018

Thank you, I have seen a therapist before, it helped.

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