The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.

I just finished cleaning."



2. My mother taught me RELIGION.

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."



3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you

into the middle of next week!"



4. My mother taught me LOGIC.

"Because I said so, that's why."



5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck,

you're not going to the store with me."



6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."



7. My mother taught me IRONY.

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry

about."



8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."



9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"



10. My mother taught me about STAMINA

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."



11 My mother taught me about WEATHER

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."



12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times.

Don't exaggerate!"



13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."



14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.

"Stop acting like your father!"



15. My mother taught me about ENVY.

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this

world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."



16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION

"Just wait until we get home."



17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING

"You are going to get it when you get home!"



18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."



19. My mother taught me ESP.

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"



20. My mother taught me HUMOR.

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me"



21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow

up."



22. My mother taught me GENETICS

"You're just like your father."



23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were

born in a barn?"



24. WISDOM.

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."



25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out

just like you!"

ONLINE INITIATION RITUAL



> HPS>> Before we start our initiation ritual, I have an announcement. Fluffy Moon Ferret has totally burned out her hard drive and probably

won't be able to get back on line for at least two weeks



> EAST>> Darn! She was going to teach us how to make cyber corn dollies



> next week :-(



> HP>> Can I suggest that we table this and get down to business?



> EAST>>Yes, sorry



> HP>> We're about to start the initiation ritual. Is everyone ready?



> WEST>> Present



> EAST>> Ready



> SOUTH>>Roger



> INITIATE>> I am ready



>>~~(1 minute pause)~~



> HPS>> North?



>>~~(1minute pause)~~



> HP>>NORTH??



> NORTH>>Sorry, I had to reboot



> HPS>> Ok, we are all here. Initiate, are you skyclad and ready?



> INITIATE>> Not yet-- hold on, I need to get a pillow



> HP>>Pillow?



> INITIATE>>Yes, I have a metal chair here at my desk. OK-- BRB



>>~~(2 minute pause)~~



> INITIATE>> Ok, I am ready and skyclad



> HPS>>Good, now do you have the cord?



> INITIATE>> Yes, I have an orange one I got

on sale at the fabric store today, is that ok?



> HP>>It will have to do. OK, now, tie your hands behind your back, then bring the cord up around your neck...



> INITIATE>>Ummm.... I can't do that by myself..



> HPS>>Do you have anyone there to help you?



> INITIATE>>Only my mom, but she would kill me if she knew what I was doing in here



> HP>>OK, forget the cord. Do you have the blindfold?



> INITIATE>>Yes, I do



> HPS>>OK, put the blindfold on and don't peek while we cast the circle. Give us about four minutes



> INITIATE>>OK, I'm going to put the blindfold on now, how will I know when you are ready for me?



> HP>>Do you have an alarm clock?



> INITIATE>>Yes, but it's in my room



> HP>>Can you go get it?



> INITIATE>>Yes, but I'd have to put my clothes on-- my mom is in the next room



> HPS>>Never mind, just put on the blindfold and count to 240



> INITIATE>>OK



>>~~(4 minute pause)~~



> HPS>> Initiate?



>>~~(1minute pause)



> HP>>INITIATE??



> HPS>>Maybe he got disconnected?



> INITIATE>>I am here-- are you ready for me?



> HPS>>Yes, the circle is cast. Do you have your sword?



> INITIATE>>Sword?



> HP>>Yes, while you imagine that I am holding my sword with the tip against your heart I want you to hold your sword in the same way



> INITIATE>>I don't have a sword..



> HP>>Do you have an athame?



> INITIATE>>no..



> HP>>Do you have anything sharp in there?



> INITIATE>>There's a pen on the desk..



> HP>>Ok, point the pen at your heart



> INITIATE>>OK



> HP>>How do you enter this circle?



> INITIATE>>In perfect love and perfect trust



> HPS>>Good, now I need to whisper the sacred words to you



> INITIATE>>whisper?



> HPS>>Yes, do you have two phone lines? I can call you with them



> INITIATE>>No, only one



> HPS>>Ok, I'll e-mail them to you BRB



> HPS has left the chat room**



>>~~(1 minute pause)~~



> HPS has joined the chat room**



> HPS>>Ok, I mailed them



> INITIATE>>OK, I'll go look



> INITIATE has left the chat room**



>>~~(1 minute pause)~~



> INITIATE has joined the chatroom**



> INITIATE>>I can't get into my hotmail-- I keep getting a message that the servers are down



> HPS>>OK, you can get them later. Now imagine that I am pushing you from behind into the circle



> INITIATE>>from behind?



> HPS>>Yes, kinda like you are tilted, I am holding on to the cord. Oh wait.. no cord.. ok, just pretend I am pushing you into the circle



> INITIATE>>Ok



> HPS>>Now we are going to go around the circle three times.



> INITIATE>>OK



>>~~(1 minute pause)~~



> HPS>>Now we're stopping in front of the altar and I am holding the scourge



> INITIATE>>OK



> HP>>You must kneel at the altar while the High Priestess scourges you



> INITIATE>>Do you want me to imagine that I am kneeling in front of the altar or do you really want me to kneel in front of my computer?



> HP>>Can you kneel and still see the screen?



> HPS>>If he kneels he must also put his head down on the floor



> HP>>Well, I guess he can't kneel then



> HPS>>Yes, he can, I have an idea. Initiate--kneel and put your head to the floor and imagine that I am scourging you



> INITIATE>>OK



> HPS>>I am now scourging you



>>~~(2 minute pause)~~



> HPS>>Initiate you must now scourge me twice as many times



>>~~(1 minute pause)



> HPS>>Initiate?



> HP>>INITIATE???



> INITiATE>> I am here, now what do I need to do?



> HP>>You must imagine that you are scourging the High Priestess



> WEST>>I need to go-- the baby woke up and needs to be fed



> HP>>Can you feed him at the computer?



> WEST>>Yes, I'll bring him back here with me. North, can you cut me a door?



>>~~( 1 minute pause)~~



> WEST>>I really need to go-- the baby is crying



> HP>>NORTH??



>>NORTH>>Sorry, I had to reboot



> HP>>Can you cut West a door? NOW?



> NORTH>>OK, all set



> WEST has left the chatroom**



> HPS>> Ok, should we continue or wait until West comes back?



> SOUTH>>I think we should continue



> EAST>>We should wait



> WEST has joined the chatroom**



> WEST>>I am back, North can you cut me back in?



>>~~( 1minute pause)~~



> HP>>NORTH!!!



> NORTH>>Sorry, I had to reboot. West you are all set



> HP>>Ok, where were we?



> HPS>>The initiate has to scourge me. I am going to kneel down here now, and imagine that he is plying the scourge



> INITIATE>>Ok, I am imagining that I am scourging the High Priestess



>>~~( 2 minute pause)~~



> INITIATE>>I am done



> HP>>Priestess?



>>~~(1 minute pause)~~



> HPS>>I need to go right now



> HP>>Why? We are not finished here



> HPS>> I banged my head on the desk when I got up-- hard-- I am bleeding all over my computer. I need to go to the ER for stitches



> HPS has left the chatroom**



> HP>>OK, we'll make this a healing circle instead



> INITIATE>>I have to go too, my mom is in the hallway screaming and wants to know what I am doing



> INITIATE has left the chatroom**



> HP>> OK, everyone go light candles and we'll try to do this again tomorrow night



> **Chatroom closed**

hehehehehehe this is not a true story just a funny email i recived

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both



male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male



reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late



November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till



after they give birth in the spring.



Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's



reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.



We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a



red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.