el 15 min convo de ayer......19:21 Sep 29 2009
Times Read: 539
so a 15-20 min conversation between me and a person i care about very much has made me come to terms with things i have kept in my little, dont remember, dont speak of it, better to forget and not remember it, box. Because of this conversation I have pulled out that box, taken out the contents, sorted through them, remembered things I had forgotten about and actually let my feelings be known to myself. Now that I know how I feel, I can come to terms with it, and burn it. Its all in the past anyways right? It happens, you deal with it, then you throw it away. Unlike me who decided to be a pack rat and store it away for a later vengeful use. Well, it doesnt define me, just helped me become who I am. Now, until..last night I didnt look at the subconscious fact that I decided to take back the child hood I never really had. Since I didnt have as much responsibility as I did back home, somehow subconsciously I decided, hey! since I dont have as much responsibility as I did there how bout I take my child hood! Bad idea. But still, fun while it lasted I guess? Not really, just alot of trouble. Now that im here, I have to become the "mini" adult I once was, I only say "mini" cause I didnt have as many responsibilities as someone really living on their own does. Just most of them. I had less than a year of my "child hood". Well if I ever want this person back, who made very good points all along (I just decided to act like a child and not listen), I have to make some changes. And that includes becoming the adult me again. "Funs" over. Time to burn the box and all its contents. Time to grow up, listen, stop being so stubborn, take the good advice given, and learn that once I do something its done, I cant take it back no matter how much I wish I could, time to stop throwing temper tamtrums like a 6 year old and just deal with it. Its life. Life isnt always fair but you can always make it a little better by TRYING! Try hard because if you dont try....why should anyone else? You cant always get your way and you cant always have everything you want. But if you try hard enough....you may be able to get some things. And thats what im doing, Im trying, because I want to, because I need to. I want to because I know that I need to. I need to because....not only is it for me, but this person too. Because I want to be happy. Because I want them to be happy. Because I want Us to be happy. Together! Because I know that they have done alot for me, and showed and told me alot. Because I know that together, we'd be unstoppable! Because I know together, we'd be the happiest people alive. They are everything I ever wanted. And Im hoping I still am. Because I know i've changed...though I didnt figure out how till last night. And its time to change back to who I really am. Hyper-active, reasonable, strong, happy (for the most part), mostly responsible (cant be fully right? im a teenager for goodness sake! what teenager is!?) young adult that I am. The one I still think like, and act like when no one else is around. Excuse me for being cautious about who I let see the real me. Who has? Very few. Because I dont let too people in, thjat wont change to much. I have the close friends I have because im careful and cautious with who I let in. If I let you in, feel lucky. But still, the change I have to make not only for me, but for this person too, is because I want to. Because I need to. Because I love myself enough to do it. Because I love you enough that I would do it, and stick to it. Because I cant be afraid forever. Then I'll really lose you and end up alone. And I aint gonna let that happen!! I always thought of myself as brave because of certain things that have happened in my life, but when I came to this realization, I realized, I am such a huge coward! No more. Its time to grow up and be brave. Just because im scared, that should stop me right? What would this world be if we never faced our fears? Time to face my fear, take the jump, and pray to God, that he's(God) and you're there to catch me if I should fall. You told me to face my fears, what I didnt know was, Im my own fear. Afraid of letting go and free falling!?! YIKES! Afraid of letting my feelings be known to myself? Afraid of getting hurt? Yep. Afraid that after everything you'll walk away. Im not letting that happen, not again. I want to be the one who catches YOU if you should fall. I want to be the one who holds YOU when you're scared and who dries away the tears. The one who can calm you down, the one you can hold at night. The one who is always there for you when nothing is going right. The one who listens to you when you need to talk. But to be that one, yeah, I gotta change. Back into the adult stage I once was in. Will this be a quick change? mmmm, possibly. But after a year of acting like a kid? yikes. I hope my adjustments to myself wont be too much for me to handle. All I have to do is remember to face my fears and that im doing this for me...and you. Because for once im listening to you, because I love you. Because I love myself and because it will most likely be the best choice I have ever made.
All for love,
Gabby
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