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I have so much anger, and hatred, and fury inside of me. I cry every day because I can't take my anger out, so it comes out in tears, and stress, and depression. It is so fucking hard not to cut. That shit would make me feel so much fucking better. Just to see the blood. Okay I need to stop thinking about that, I'm going fucking crazy. Every day I just realize how much I fucking hate him. How the feelings I had have changed so fucking much, where the love has even gone? When I think of my future, he isn't there. When I think of my family, he isn't there. When I think of happiness, he isn't there. He makes me fucking miserable. He makes me want to fucking die. He makes me feel absolutely worthless, but its not true. I am worth so much, and there are so many people who fight so hard for me, and sacrifice everything for me, but he just doesn't. I'm not worth it to him. He doesn't fight for me, he doesn't do anything for me. He just complains, and talks about himself, and how "he's god" and feeds his fucking ego. I can't wait to get away. That's all I truly want. Just to get away from him. The days I think I love him are just, I don't even know how I can think that. To think that a man who has been going behind my back for MONTHS, talking to all sorts of different girls, making out with girls, doing the worst shit he could ever fucking do to me, and I'm still with him??? What the fuck is wrong with me?!?!?! I know I hate him. I hate him so fucking much. Why is my head still trying to trick me into thinking there is any chance of things being different??? There is no chance. There is nothing to do anymore. Nothing to fight for. It's gone. All of it. All of the happiness that you could ever find in this relationship is gone. Replaced my mistrust, sorrow, anguish, depression, misery, anger, any bad thing that could be in a relationship. It would hurt less if he was beating me to a fucking pulp than this mental state that I'm in. I can't take it anymore. I can't. I'm going insane. I want to hurt myself. I want to hurt him. I want to fucking be done with this situation. I want someone who fucking loves me, and takes me and our relationship seriously. Everything is just a fucking joke to him. All of it. I'm even starting to worry that I may be pregnant...there is no way I can have a child if I'm with him. Stress kills children, and if I end up carrying his baby it will die. I'd rather be a single mother than stay with him and kill this child or have it raised in a horribly broken home. I really hope I'm not pregnant, I'm going to try and find out at the doctor's tomorrow. I just need to get a job and be independent and find my happiness again. I wanted to be with him so bad, but I just can't seem to do this anymore. This is crazy.