The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth, "I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand." The Pope says, "No way. You can't do that." The Queen says, "Watch this." So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic. So the Pope is standing there thinking, "Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it." So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says, "I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head." The Queen goes, "No way, it can't be done." So the Pope headbutts her.

This practical joke is best done to people who are truly anal about their car, truck, whatever. The type that parks their car 200 feet away from the mall to avoid it getting touched by human kind. When your buddy leaves the car, get your friend to place a note on the windshield that reads "Sorry, about the scratch. We will take car of any damage." and add a fake phone number. Then as you come out with your buddy from the mall, and they read the note, let the search for the non-existent scratch begin. You can help by point out "potential" scratches, watching him or her run over to see, only to realize it's just dirt. This one can done from afar so that you can watch the owner of the survey for damage rather than you helping out, can be even more hilarious.

1. A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.



2. An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.



3. A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.



4. An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.



5. A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.



6. A mathematician is like a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there.



7. A topologist is a someone who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and doughnut.



8. A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."



9. A psychologist is someone who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.



10. A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.



11. A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.



12. A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

He does not have a BEER GUT,



He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE

FACILITY.