The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

At age 4...success is...not peeing in your pants.



At age 10...success is...making your own meals.



At age 12...success is...having friends.



At age 16...success is...having a drivers license.



At age 20...success is...having sex.



At age 35...success is...having money.



At age 50...success is...having money.



At age 60...success is...having sex.



At age 70...success is...having a drivers license.



At age 75...success is...having friends.



At age 80...success is...making your own meals.



At age 85...success is...not peeing in your pants.

The scene is the darkest jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the jungle when the one in the rear suddenly reaches out with his tongue and licks the butt of the one in front. The lead tiger turns and says, "Hey, cut it out, alright." The other tiger says sorry and they continue on their way.



After about five minutes the rear tiger suddenly repeats his action. The front tiger turns angrily and says," I said don't do that again!" The rear tiger says "sorry" again and they continue.



After about another five minutes, the rear tiger repeats his action. The front tiger turns and says, "What is it with you, anyway? I said to stop." The rear tiger says, "I really am sorry but I just ate a lawyer and I'm just trying to get the taste out of my mouth."

1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.



2. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.



3. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.



4. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?



5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.



6. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.



7. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.



8. The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.



9. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.



10. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.



11. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.



12. Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.



13. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.



14. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.



15. When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous classical composers. Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room. "Who do you want to play?" Spielberg asked Bruce Willis. "I've always been a big fan of Chopin," said Bruce. "I'll play him." "And you, Sylvester?" asked Spielberg. "Mozart's the one for me!" said Sly. "And what about you?" Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger. "I'll be Bach," said Arnie.

These are actual stories from travel agents about their moronic customers...



Someone ask for an aisle seat so that his or her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (probably blonde)



A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"



I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."



Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport and I need a car to drive between the gates to Save time."



A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!



A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.



I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know Which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.



A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."



A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."



A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you

FLORIDA: If you think we can't vote, wait till you see us drive.



FLORIDA: Home of electile dysfunction.



FLORIDA: We count more than you do.



FLORIDA: If you don't like the way we count then take I-95 and visit one of the other 56 states.



FLORIDA: We've been Gored by the bull of politics and we're Bushed.



FLORIDA: Relax, Retire, Re-vote.



FLORIDA: Viagra voters do it again!



FLORIDA: What comes after 17,311?



FLORIDA: Where your vote counts and counts and counts.



FLORIDA: This is what you get for taking Elian away from us.



FLORIDA: We don't just cheat in football.



FLORIDA: We're number one! Wait! Recount!



FLORIDA: So nice, we let you vote twice.



FLORIDA: We put the "duh" in Florida.



FLORIDA: This isn't good when Alabama counts faster than us!



FLORIDA: Once is never enough!



FLORIDA: We would do a recount but we've run out of fingers and toes!



FLORIDA: Don't blame me, I voted for Gore, I think.



FLORIDA: Don't blame me, my vote didn't count.



FLORIDA: We're retired --no wait-- we're retarded!



FLORIDA: Don't count on us!



FLORIDA: Home of the edible chad.



FLORIDA: Bumbling better than ever!

Your last name stays put.



The garage is all yours.



Wedding plans take care of themselves.



Chocolate is just another snack.



You can be President. You can never be pregnant.



You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.



Car Mechanics tell you the truth.



The world is your urinal.



You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.



You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.



Same work, more pay.



Wrinkles add character.



Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.



People never stare at your chest when you are talking to them.



The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.



New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.



One mood all the time.



Phone conservations are over in 30 seconds flat.



You know stuff about tanks.



A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.



You can open all of your own jars.



You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.



If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.



Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.



Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.



You never have strap problems in public.



You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.



Everything on your face stays its original color.



The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe even decades.



You only have to shave your face and neck.



You can play with toys all your life.



Your belly usually hides your big hips.



One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.



You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.



You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.



You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.



You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.



No wonder men are happier!

Two of Clinton's sperm are swimming around in Monica, when one of the sperm looks at the other and says," Hey I think we are coming close to the ovaries"... the other looks at the other sperm and says," Hey relax we just passed the tonsils."

A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as EX-President Clinton appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him.



A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Hillary Clinton appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass too," the man. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. "Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Clinton country!"



"Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"

Q. How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?



A. From a catalogue.

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?



Scroll down for the answer...























The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.



Men keep'a scrollin'...























So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.



Come on now, that was funny!

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."



"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."



"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"



"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"



"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."



"Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."



"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."



"In God we trust, all others are suspects."

How are women and tornadoes alike?



They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."



She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"



A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"



The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."



Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"



He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

Letter to Redneck Son



Dearest Son



I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.



We don't live where we did when you left home.

Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.



I won't be able to send you the address because the last

Gander family that lived here took the house numbers

when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.



This place is really nice.

It even has a washing machine.

I'm not sure about it.

I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain.

We haven't seen them since.



The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.



Auntie Maude has sent you a pair of socks she knit,

she put a third one in because she heard you have grown

another foot since she last saw you.



About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.



Jimmy locked his keys in the car yesterday.

We were really worried because it took him two hours

to get me and your father out.



Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.



Uncle Bobby fell into a whiskey vat last week.

Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.



Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck.

Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back.

They drowned because they couldn't get

the tailgate down.



There isn't much more news at this time.

Nothing much out of the normal has happened.



Your Favorite Aunt,



Mom

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

Q. Did you hear about the new blonde paint?



A. It's not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy.

As the fly said while walking across the mirror, "That's one way of looking at it!"

Why couldn't the sesame seed leave the stadium? Because it was on a roll!