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Without a warning, (of cause I knew I was on an amusement ride) but I did not see that drop up ahead. It seemed like all the dips on the ride had been ironed out long ago and it was smooth sailing from there. (2-½ years worth of smooth sailing.) I was moving along at a comfortable pace laughing and just enjoying the ride. Everyone seemed happy, content, and full of love.. When all of a sudden, I’m free falling at 200 mph and there is just no end in sight. I say to myself, “ I thought I was on a nice risk-free ride.” I never expected the rug to be pulled out from me. I never expected to be burned. I thought I found my ideal ride, one that would last, one that made sense, one that I could commit too. I think back to the day that I met the ride. It all seemed so exciting and new. I took my time and looked over the ride to see what it would do. At first, I was hesitant, checking to see if the bolts were all tight and the structure was sound. I finally felt sure it was relatively sound and climbed on board. But It wasn't, I was wrong. I did not see this coming. The music did not divulge any warnings, no, it comforted me and made me feel safe. The signs all seem to be friendly and kind saying everything I wanted to hear. The actions seemed genuine, caring and loving. Now I wonder what did I miss.

I was told one day that "happiness is an inside job" I thought long and hard on that one and began to realize that I had been looking to others to make me happy....It was only when I stopped looking to others to make me happy that I began to make myself happy.. Another saying that helped me find happiness in my life is "Happiness is not getting what you want -Its wanting what you have."..This one I am still working on ... But I understand it as a grateful person is a happy person. After all, there are plenty of wants to be had... and I most likely will not get them all.. So I might as well choose to be happy now..

Oh, but another turning point before I make my choice and take the road that will lead me to the life that will become mine. Waiting is hard. Waiting is hard. Did I tell you that waiting is hard. Sometimes it feels as if I am holding my breath.. Waiting to exhale, waitng to inhale. Waitng, and waitng some more.

Have you ever stopped and realize that your experiencing the times of your life at this very moment. That these are the memories that you will one day look back on and say, "Those were the days.” It is such an awesome gift to appreciate each day as you live it, taking nothing forgranted. However, it is not as easy as it sounds. There have been many days in my life I can honestly say I wish I could change, horrible days that I thought I will never survive this pain. However, even the worst experiences of my life have brought with them the chance for people to stand by me like never before. Those days taught me who my true friends are. It has taught me never to judge a book by it's cover and to embrace life both good and bad, both light and dark. Make each day count for the time is now

As the smoke clears I can better consider my options. I think it was Lincoln who said there is nothing to fear but fear itself. I have also heard it said that courage is not due to a lack of fear. Courage is going forward and in spite of our fears.. Therefore, I will not let my fears rule my life. I will face my demons and the night....