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I slowly rot from this internal decay

Dying piece by piece day after day

The days are long but my life was short

This endless misery I'd just soon abort



This hellish pain that lives inside of my head

My body withered blistered and dead

My life before seems like a dream

I can't escape from the hellish scene



20 years in a blood soaked coffin

My skin has died and my teeth are rotten

My hair comes out in patches of lockets

And my eyes have suck-en into the sockets



(For 20 years)



For 20 years I've been dying alone

For 20 years my flesh falls from the bone

For 20 years I thought that death was the end

But my soul has remained in this blood soaked

coffin



In this blood soaked coffin...

I am reaching for the words that seem so distant

Words that I never even spoken

I write this poem for my grandfather

In this time when my world is broken:



It happened today at noon

And tears continue to flood my face

You weren't there when I came home

I couldn't feel your warm embrace



A sudden death took over you

No one exchanged any good-byes

There is only one way to express my love

That's why you hear my silent cries



Grandpa I know what you would say

If you were sitting with me today

You would say it is a terrible shame

And that crying is not the way



But what in the world can one do

When the one they loved departed

You left me here with a loss of words

And a soul that's broken hearted



It seems like more than decades ago

Where you taught me how to swing

You left the greatest impact on me

Grandpa you made me grow my wings



I learned the greatest lesson in life

I learned everything from you

You taught me how to live at ease

Everything you said was true



My tears drained right out of my skin

My eyes were swollen; I couldn't see

I hardly ever saw this coming

Your absence greatly affected me



Your pictures are hanging everywhere

And it really cuts me like a knife

Your soul not only left this earth

But you also messed up my own life



You touched our lives endlessly

And in two seconds you were gone

You brought our whole family together;

I don't think we will ever carry on.



The only gentleman I've ever known

Grandfather I am forever in your debt

You seemed so alive and full of spirit

And you are one of the few I won't forget



I have a few words to say to you

Grandpa I know you can hear me well

Since you never said good-bye here

To heaven I will write you this farewell:



You'll always be in my heart grandpa

And you will affect my life forever.

But being without you isn't permanent.

Because one day we'll all be together

I walk around all day

like everythings okay

but those smiles and laughs

wont last for long

because at night

its the fright

that makes my tears break loose

not too long i'll be gone

but for now, i lay in my room

in my bed hopelessly crying my self to sleep...

wonder why...wonder why God left me here all alone...

the only thing on my minds dying

but i know my plans will fall through

just like they always do

but why

let me go

take me away

to a land with no pain

to a land with no worries

to a land with bright futures

where i can be who i want to be

where i can be loved

instead of living in this misery

pretending im okay

pretending i'm okay~

but you don't know how hard i try...

to hide my wounds

to hide my pain

because at night

its the fright

that makes my tears break loose

not too long i'll be gone

but for now, i lay in my room

in my bed hopelessly crying my self to sleep...

wonder why...wonder why God left me here all alone...

because i don't want to show my weak side

because i don't need such sympathy

because all i need is...love...

let me go

take me away

to a land with no pain

to a land with no worries

to a land with bright futures

where i can be who i want to be

where i can be loved

instead of living in this misery

pretending im okay

pretending i'm okay~

You think you know how I feel

But you don't, you're never right

You actually believe you understand

Why I slit my wrists at night?



You can't see the hurt that breeds

You can't count all the times I've cried

You think this smile on my face is real

Just another thing about my life I've lied



You think I'm happy bu I'm not

Just one more assumption you've made

Cause every time I feel you near

I just simply hide the blade



I'll be a good girl, I'll put on

A smile that isn't real

I'll let you stare through my pain like glass

Let you think you know how I feel



I'll suppress myself, I'll let you pretend

You know how I scarred my arm

I have no choice but allow you to believe

You know why I inflict myself with harm



It's not as easy as it seems

It's something I just can't stop

All the hurt in my life

Bleeds out with each red drop



I feel so cold, I feel so numb

Everyone's touch just feels like ice

My heart turns away your comforting words

Simple solitude is its price



I'm giving up, I'll tell you why

You're breaking my protective wall

I'd rather feel this blinding pain

Than be numb and feel nothing at all



You want to be my tourniquet

But you're the one watching me drown

Let go of my clipped wings

Stop nailing them to the ground



My bloody wings are invisible to you

As I'm lying on the floor

But with these wings and these slit wrists

One day you'll see me soar

A little quiet house you see

Just sitting right before you

Everything seems so picture-perfect

That you would never believe what was true

I know you can't see the reality

You see the pictures with fake smiles tied

But beneath the surface lays the truth

Showing all of the tears ever cried

As you walk through the door now

You stand upon the floor

Where a girls body was thrown

Till she couldn't move any more

And on the steps you're walking

Was where she was pushed down

A never-ending series of pain

Till she fell upon that ground

Now while you come upon this wall

You may notice a hole that barely hides

That's where a girl was strangled

Finally let go when she screamed out her insides

When you come to the kitchen

You'll never know that white floor was once red

Where parents gave the girl a knife

And told her to slit her wrists so she'd be dead

Now walk into this bedroom now

Look into this closet that seems bare

That's where a suicide attempt happened

The little girl was hanging right there

Take a walk down stairs to the basement

And come to the main living room

That's where a girl was beaten

Thinking she would meet her doom

Still you don't quite understand the truth

It all seems to be a lie

This fake illusion that you now see

Hides the truths deadly cry

As you turn around now

You see a darkened door

Just open this now

And you will see the truth in horror

Upon the bed lies the body of a girl

And next to her a suicide letter

Telling of the reality of her life

And how it never would get better

I can see your tears stream

For now it is the Grand Finale

The truth is that I live here

And that little girl is me...

i wish life was like an editing room,

where i could rewind and pause at the good times,

delete out the sad times,

and fast forward through the hard times...

You want to know what hurts the most?

Not losing him, not that he likes one of my friends

Not the way we embraced, not the way we held hands

The thing that hurts the most is my heart

It holds the memories that make it ache

Its the way you look into my eyes

That feeling you give me, its like butterflies

And you got me getting all shy

Baby you are the one I will want until the day I die



You are the only one that can keep me feeling like this

Because I can tell you, this is truely bliss

And when you go, you know you will always be the one that I miss



I don't like the way I keep having to wait to see you

It makes me all so sad and very blue

I have never felt anything this true

Its in the way in eveything that you do



I love the way you smell, that special scent of yours

I know you are THE ONE and I can not be anymore sure

Because I get so down the minute you walk out of that door

It leaves me crying for ages on my bedroom floor



I love everything about the way that you are

Everything, everywhere, and everytime, its always about you

You are nothing less than my shining star

You'll only understand these feelings if you were in my shoes.

Whenever i look at you it seems like i don't want you,

i don't even care but deep down inside all I'm thinking about is you

the way you look

the way you smile

the way you talk

and the way you look into my eyes whenever i pass you by

i cant get enough of you

cant you see it in my eyes that all i wanna do is be with you

until the sun falls from the sky

There are so many words I cannot say,

when I look into your eyes.

I want to be able to tell you one day,

but I'm left speechless every time that I try.



You must have stumbled across the key,

and discovered so much more.

You found a hidden place in me,

you found my heart and opened the door.

And I cried in pain

of losing my dear friend.



Will it ever be the same again?

If it passes will it be the end?

I realized it was worth so much,

as I lie in bed that night.

So I allowed my soul to be touched,

without even putting up a fight.

Are my eyes deceiving me,

when I see you standing there?

Are you playing games,

just to prove I care?



You speak my name in a prelude,

in a reference to love,

with such loving attitude,

as if it were a message from above.

With the palms of your hands

pressed firmly against mine,

a white doves lands,

and the sun begins to shine.



Someday I will see,

though that day has not come yet.

You'll say you love me,

but will you ever forget?

If that happens and my spirit dies,

if my emotions drop,

will you want to hold me when I cry?

Or will the love just suddenly stop?

We can't expect to fall in love and never cry.



You'll stay and play your part,

but after the beauty starts to die,

will your footprints still be on my heart?

Though it would be hard to say goodbye,

your friend I'll always be,

as long as we always try,

to keep the friendship between you and me.



The letter I will not send

will casually inquire,

how could you have brought it to an end?

I was your one desire.

After this life is over,

you'll be one person I know I'll miss.



It'll be too late to start over, and so I leave you with this...

I'll hold you for a lifetime,

if you'll just hold my hand.

We could have a wonderful time,

in the days we have not yet planned.

I am just that funny little girl,

who has always made you laugh;

the one who was always there for you

when your world was torn in half.



I am that girl,

who always seems to smile,

so you never knew what was wrong;

or maybe you did, and were just in denial.



You see me. That girl,

with her world spiraling down.

Yet, you still do not ask about her

when you see her secret frown.



I am that girl,

with a joke to make your day,

but when at home, all alone,

soo depressed...



So keep telling me your problems,

and don't ask me mine.

Just keep on thinking

that I'm always fine.



Yes, I am that girl.

That will always care,

and if there is someone who cares,

I can't seem to find them anywhere.

Mom, Dad,

I really need to go.

I really wanted a life,

And to be someones wife,

But I had to use the knife.

To rid all the pain in my life.

Please don't be sad,

And dad please don't get mad.

I needed to go.

I really wanted to die,

But I don't want you to cry,

But only if you could understand why

Depression taking over

going at its own will

no more being happy

time is standing still

alone in a room

crying on my own

im caught up in depression

feelings r not known

im all alone

no one cares

that hurt inside

rips and tears

depression is all i know

i wasted all my feelings

theres nothing left to show

Underneath the surface

Beneath the skin

Here is where i hide.



Locked away.



Hidden deep with in myself are my

Thoughts

Memories and

Dreams of happier days



Those days are in the past

The dreadful future lies ahead

My days full of joy and laughter never seem to last.



Life used to seem so simple

Almost as black and white

But now my simple days are gone

And the black and white turned gray...



So here is where i hide..

Here is where i'll stay...

Hidden until prayers are answered...

Hidden here with my better days.

It all came so fast,

She hoped she’d be able to put it in the past.

She didn’t know what to do,

He said he “had to.”

But she knew it didn’t feel right.

She didn’t make a move because of all the fright.

She laid there not making a sound,

She wanted to scream for help, but no one was around.

When she started to fright,

He’d hold her down tight.

“Get off me” came out of m, but he used all his might,

She closed her tear filled eyes but he was still in sight.

Her fear was starting to get the best of her,

Suddenly she was swallowed into a big, black blur.

She thought he would never stop, never come to an end.

When she felt him let loose the words, the awful words he said.

By the time someone found her cold, lifeless body on the bed,

They came to realize she was already dead.



this is a poem based on what happened to me in my past...no i didn't die but that's how i felt inside...

My mind is often drifting, to the memories of our past,

So with a tear I’m wondering, why you let it go so fast.

You made endless vows to me, that I’m still believing now,

And I do to try to forget you, but I simple don’t know how.

You’re always in my mind and heart, I only wish you knew,

That I’m sat here crying, ‘Cause I’m still in love with you.

A million tears have fallen, for the pain you caused within,

And I have no strength at all, with the state you left me in.

My prayers are never answered, God’s just as tired as me,

Tired of each pitiful dream, that I wish would come to be.

The conversations long since over, nothing more to say,

But even though I turned my back, I just couldn’t walk away.

Although you’re fine without me, I can’t deny my heart,

You tell me that we’ll still be friends, but that’s so far apart.

You pulled the ground beneath me, with the words you said,

And still I’m falling further down, with echoes in my head.

I knew I’d take a fall that day, when you let go of my hands,

But I know falling this deep, was not part of my plans.

Unto this day I love you, but these words you will ignore,

To you I’m just a memory, of our love that is no more.

I guess I sound pathetic, but one thing's more than true,

Baby I’ll be holding on, ‘Cause I’m still in love with you.

I walk into a room

Filled with anger and hatred

Gazing to the left

To see her shattered face there



Only sixteen,

And already she is broken

Trying so hard to swim

But she only keeps choking



I look down at the sink

Only to see her rich blood

Spread across the marble

Like some twisted form of art

Her hair covers her face

As she bows her head in shame

Knowing that her life

Will never be the same



She can never show her arms

Or a smile on her face

Because both would be revealing

The pain she sees each day



So beaten down by life

It hurts me to look at her

It breaks my heart to see

That there's nothing i can do for her



Fed up with watching, and doing nothing-

I reach for her hand

And tears come to my eyes

I just don't understand?!



I feel the cool glass

slide underneath my fingers

on the edge of panic

my life lingers..



My heart grasps at terror

as i glance to see

my own green eyes

staring back at me



the mist in my eyes fades

as my vision grows clearer

and i can finally see

that it was a mirror



no!

stop!

that just can't be!

i refuse to believe,

that girl was me!



I'm not depressed

where as she was

i'm just sad at times

and all because

my life is hell

the roles reversed-

and i feel so guilty:

it could be so much worse



i stumble back

and still i see

my own green eyes

staring back at me..

I’m almost dying every night

Endless tears fall down

Screaming at the top of my voice

And yet I make no sound.



But don’t you worry I’ll hide it

Tomorrow, It will not show

I’ll cover it up, every trace

Not one of you shall know.



So much inside, so many emotions

For a pitiful, worthless soul

I’ve held on for much too long

That I’ve lost all my control.



But don’t you worry, It won’t show

These feelings I will hide

No one will hear, no one will see

The shadows by my side.



I fall apart, lose self-respect

To a point of self destruction

I lose my faith, don’t ask of hope

Lost everything to corruption.



But don’t you worry, I’ll lie again

I’ll be the girl you think you see

I’ll carry on, like nothing’s wrong

Be the girl you want me to be.



And for the record, It’s getting tough

These smiles are harder to fake

I’m getting tired of trying each day

To the point, where I almost break.



But don't you worry, It's all okay

I'll act like nothing's wrong

I'll fall alone, I'll crumble in two,

And still, convince you I'm strong.