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You promised me you'd stay. You promised me a lot, yet did so little. How could I look up to someone like you? I have no clue how it this way.. Now look at me. Pathetic, pitiful, an abomination. I really did it.. I grew up to be the monster I wanted to be most. I grew up to the the thing that I feared and loved, cherished and hated. I grew up to be the same monster that I once looked up to, the same monster that left me when I needed them most... I grew up to be like you. I grew up to be the shell of a woman. A shell to replace the one that had turned to dust. I turned into you. I'm afraid of myself now, just as I was afraid of you. I love just as you loved, fearfully and with uncertainty. What had you become before you kicked the bucket? The only part that I am not similar to you, Amber is the fact that I'm not neck deep in drugs and alcohol, yet. Though, my body is getting to the state that yours once was. Gruesome and hard to look at. So, see what you turned me into? See Amber, you got your wish. I am now nothing more than a shell of something that once was. I'm the shell of what you once were. I love you.. I fucking hate you.. I need you.. Get the hell away from me! Why must you still haunt my mind...? Why must you still remain..? How long have I been sitting here at this keyboard, trying to find the perfect words to tell your memory to fuck off. I'll be glad when you finally leave every bit of me. But... Will you ever?

COMMENTS

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SLEEPERKING30
06:31 Mar 07 2015

this is something I know a little too well

and the only thing I found that gives me some peace

is seclusion from the rest of the world

learning to accept yourself

some would say

learn to love yourself

but some people do not understand

how love can poison your soul

when the person or object of your affections is gone

whether its by death or they turn into a enemy

it has the same effect.

i could tell you that you appear to be a remarkable and absolutely beautiful young woman

but only you can look in the mirror and pass judgement



hope this gives you insight into whatever demons you are fighting

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And so, this is the part of the story, the part where I realize that I do more damage than I though, where I fuck up more than I mean to. This is the part where I close myself back off, where I retreat to the dark cave to save myself and everyone around from none other than me. As this chapter comes to a close, so do my eyes. As my heart pangs with that annoying little, dull pain that you get when something that breaks your heart happens. That's when your brain signals your heart to give off little dull pangs of hurt, like signals on a sonar, hurting, hurting more than it should.

I say I'll never leave, and if that promise has to be carried out to the afterlife, it will. If it needs to be carried out to the next life, it will. However it needs to be carried out, it will be fulfilled.

A heart sewn to another heart makes a bloody little mass of cardiovascular muscle. I attempt to feel for my own heart, but to my own surprise, it's not where it should be, it's not in my chest, nor my own hands. No, it's in yours. The beat slowing to a stop. The beat some how still in rhythm with my body.Slowing until my body folds over lifeless.

This is where my life carries over to the afterlife, where I promised to never leave, so I shall haunt you where ever you go. I will fufil such a promise as this, not because I have to, but because I want to. I never did use the word "die" in the above, not because I don't care for that word, but because I never truly died. Only the shell that held me is in a hole in the ground decomposing, or my ashes as somewhere being scattered. Like the Phoenix, I shall rise again from my own remains when the time comes.

I can't take this. I can't do this. You're killing me. I'm hanging by a thread and you're slowly carving the rope away. I want you.. I love you, but I simply cannot hold on much longer if things keep up the way they are. I don't need to be a prisoner of my own mind again, screaming in agony when the chains were too tight, the irons burning through my skin like a knife in butter... Just let me stand here..one more moment, warm, safe..enveloped in your scent..your warmth. I don't deserve this, I've been torn to pieces way too many times before, I don't think I can let it happen again. What is this that we have become? I'm just an empty shell of a girl that once was, and you.. you're still as dazzling as the day I first met you.

To me, right then and there, when you uttered those first words of love, you were perfect, the moment was perfect, my world was perfect. I'd give you my heart, but you had already stolen it, I mean, how can I give something that you already had? I'd give you my soul, but I had already sold it long ago. How could I give you something that no longer was there? I want this, but I can't do this, I'm not ready to be slain by anyone else's hands but my own. If you do choose to be the one to walks, I only ask one thing of you. Don't be gently, make me hate you, make me never want to come back. Don't be gentle, do it roughly, for that is the only way I will be able to survive myself.

Can't you tell that I love you? I'm torturing myself over the smallest things, I've stayed for this long, I'm actually trying. I am so sick of crying, it's not even funny. I think my cheeks are starting to get raw from me brushing away the tears. They're stinging my face more than they should. I love you, but I can't stand myself anymore. I can't take this. I can't do this.