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Sorry for vanishing for a while.Been kinda sick.Well if you have read my journal you already know that..Anyway feeling better and am back.

COMMENTS

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drudgejohn
09:17 Mar 18 2018

welcome back, glad you feel better.

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Keeping a secret from everyone around you because you are worried how it will effect them.This is how I have spent most of my life,pretending to be okay when I am not.How lonely one can feel when they keep their pains and sorrows hidden from the world.Being this way I naturally didn't go around telling my family I didn't feel well a few years ago when I started to feel weak sick and tired all the time.I kept it hidden well,if I seemed tired they mistook it for being depressed or lazy,never realizing I felt like hell.I kept it a secret because my family was going through enough shit at the time,my grandma dying then my grandpa,my sister who doesn't live with us lying about where she was then getting herself kidnapped.We found out about it when she was okay from my brother who lived close to her.My father going through being unemployed trying to get disability,my mother needing surgeries. Yeah my family life is hell.Finally last year I felt better and everything around me seemed calmed down.The calm before the storm.I suddenly fell ill again and this time was going to tell,but my mother was diagnosed with cancer.So I kept my mouth shut..The end of last year I grew very sick unable to sleep and could not eat without getting sick,losing over 30 pounds.I couldn't hide it much longer so I finally said I needed to get myself checked.This led to my discovery of how serious my illness was.I guess keeping secrets is not a good idea when your health is involved.According to the doctors I have had this for at least four years now.So I was 17 when my life began to fade away.Stuck here alone forever or at least till death because I chose that path,sick and tired because i refused to ask for help.Weak because I chose to be strong.
If all turns out okay in the end and I make it out alive,will I change my ways of being alone?Sadly that is highly doubtful.I will most likely stay alone.

I am not one to fear things.Years of turning myself cold to the world has made it hard to show any emotion,besides anger.Last year I learned i still am capable of fear,fear of losing one of the few people I care about.My mom diagnosed with cancer,seeing her sick and tired.Even I in my cold careless state worry greatly for her.I guess we all have a weakness.But now alas a new possible fear has entered my life.Near the end of last year I began to feel ill.Two months ago finally seeing the doctor,blood results saying I should go to the local cancer/blood center for the possibility of something seriously wrong with me.The doctors say from all the tests and the fact that according to them I have actually been suffering this for years suggest a certain disease of the bone marrow.Though they cannot be sure without a bone marrow biopsy.So nowhere I am facing the threat of a deadly disease,trying to live what little life I have taking care of my mom and not allowing myself to break down.

The pain of life at times is unbearable.Yet I refuse to give up.I will not allow weakness no matter how much I wish I could tell them the truth.Despite a living hell,one nightmare after another.Despite injuries and battle scars I refuse to die.But could I once,just this once allow myself to cry?