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Today was another day of revelations. I had a dentist appointment and while I was waiting I passed my time by gazing into the fish tank. Inside there where a number of fish that I had seen on previous dentist visits but the two biggest ones immediately caught me attention. The biggest fish has a huge bump in the front which gives the fish the appearance of being a bully but the more I watched it the more I realised this was not the case. It kept going up to the other big fish and opening its mouth in an affectionate way cleaning it. The problem was that the other fish was really nervous and scared and kept moving away. Up until recently I would have been just like the second fish but now that I’m no longer filled with fear or haunted by the pain of my past but I still recognise these in others. However when the fish was not nervous it would chase after and harass a smaller fish. Again I used to do the same and I can’t take that back but from now on I’m going to leave others alone and just focus on myself. Returning to the fish tank another fish soon caught my attention as it was right up against the glass just looking at me. I used to be the same with my mentor but now seeing it on this fish really made me realise how it’s not worth it to stay idolising someone else its much better to just be you which is what I’m doing from now on. There where also two catfish in the tank that stayed hidden most of the time so it took me along time to notice them. I spent so much time hiding away because I was afraid of what others though of me but no more as I’m happy with whom I am.



Yesterday thanks to this great site I met a really cool guy from the UK who is both a true gentleman and a real sexy guy who has helped me to awaken feelings which I never thought I’d feel again as well as feelings which I’ve never experienced. I’ve come to realize that these feeling had for years been suppressed as I had let my fears as well as feelings of failure consume and paralyse me so that I become an almost empty shell of my former self. I was so bitter and full of anger that I’m amazing that I managed to accomplish what I did.



Another revelation I’ve had today is just how much ones actions can have an effect on others. I also realise that I cannot take any responsibility for how others feel and react to what I do and say. That has all come about as a result of a chat that I had yesterday with my mentor.

Yesterday for the first time in over a year I saw someone whom I never though i'd see again and yet held such an important place in my life just a few short years ago. He was with the one he left me for and I guess some of their friends and I just can't believe how much he's changed. He looked like the green teletubby only alot older and sporting more hair than a dwarf! Everytime I think about what a saw I get an imagine in my head of Hansle being fattenered up by the witch in the ginger bread house. Even though in his case he deserves everything that is coming to him i'm still shocked by his change. it seems that alot of people change in order to fit in with others and I wonder if its the right thing to do. its something I used to do as well and in my case the results where never positive. Everyone should just be themselves. Sadly even as I am writing this I believe that someone really close to me is falling into the same trap that I fell into so many times and because of our shared past I am powerless to stop it from happening. I can only hope that I am wrong and that said person will have more luck than i did as i want the best for them. Anyway for me the past has finally died and all i intend to do it look back on it in order to see my mistakes, learn from them and create a better future for myself.