The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

My heartbeat beats in my head and my chest banging as if wanting to break the door down. It races as fast as a gazel running from a lion. My breathing heavy and loud painfully in the night. My muscles aching as if beaten all over with a hammer constantly. Small twinges throughout my body and a major pain in my stomach as if being kicked as hard as possible. Time slows and the clock looks misshapened as everything else does as well. My steps to get to the sink turn me in random directions. I grab at the air in hopes to grab someone for help but there is no one there. I am alone in this 4 1/2 appartment. No one to hear my screams and no one to save me. The building is filled with screaming kids so a scream of death from me would be unnoticed even if I could, but my lungs loosing the ability to catch the oxygen would be unable to make a sound other than the attempts at gasping for air. I fall and crawl over to the nearest sink. My body starts heaving like a cat throwing up just to see the sink bowl fill with blood. My eyes start tearing and the drops fall down my cheeks as if my body is crying for help. I tell myself I need to just let my body die while I sleep so I crawl over to the bed. I lay down with my arms crossed. I could feel my mind slowly drifting away. My body becoming cold, not temperature cold but cold as in all the energy is leaving. I feel as if my mind is falling out of my body and my soul pulling away. I think of all the pain I've been through and the ones I lost. All the friends that have abandoned me and all those I have run away from. I think of the one I love who made me feel worthless. So worthless that I did this. I felt like there was no reason to live and no one to live for. I lay there dying, slowly dying. 6 hours pass and I'm still laying there with my head becoming cymbals smashing against each other. My eyes rolling to the back of my head. I realize what I've done and all that I still haven't accomplished. I think of the fact that I need help. I think about what I wanted to accomplish in life. I think of trying to pull myself away from the one who caused me to be this way. I make a decision and crawl over to the phone. I dial my mother and wait for an hour before finally telling her simply. I need help.

Last night I had a dream with me, my boyfriend and our son (that doesn’t exist). It was a dream of us as a humble middle class family. We were married. I will not use the actual names, but here is the char list: Mick is my husband and nick is the son.



Mick and I were walking down the paved walkway each holding onto one arm of our son swinging him back and forth in the air while saying weeeeee. Little Nick giggled. His beautiful little smile on his face made him shine like a beautiful star. It gave me this warm feeling inside. Then Mick said hey little buddy hop up as he kneeled down letting little Nick climb his back to wrap his legs around Micks head. We kept walking around the lake to reach the water ride with Mick holding onto little Nicks legs for balance. Then when we reached there, there was a large crowd. Mick handed me the backpacks and zoomed off to get in line making an air plane noise as little Nick was laughing and saying faster daddy faster we gotta be the first ones. I couldn’t help laughing while staring at my two amazing boys, one a boy at heart that I loved deeply and the other simply a beautiful child we made together. As they had their fun on the water ride, I looked out on to the glimmering lake reflecting on the wonderful life I had and all the struggle we went through to get to that point. I looked down onto my diamond wedding ring. Not too big, not too small with a shiny silver band. I started thinking back to all the times I attempted suicide and how this would have never happened if they worked. How I would never have this beautiful son and wonderful husband. How none of this would have happened. I started to tear up a bit while smiling at just how wonderful it is to be alive with the sun shining in my face. The feeling of warmth touching my skin. As they came off the ride, little Nicky was hopping over with a large grin on his face waving his arms at me. Mick quickly ran up behind him making a rrrrrrmmmmm noise and scooped him up by his side running him over to me to hug me. He kissed me deeply while nick covered his eyes saying ew gross. We started laughing still while kissing and then pulled away. Mick kneeled down and said so what do you want to do next? “I want to go on the race car ride!” said nicky with large beading eyes excitedly. “Ok, I’ll race ya and first one to get there pays for ice cream!” Little nicky ran off as fast as his little legs could get him. Mick took the longest way around people to get there. I couldn’t help smiling and chuckle a bit. Ah, isn’t this just wonderful.