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Today is only a vague memory now. There are points of greatness, and points that I will never remember.

My life changed very drastically today- both for good. And that is a change all its own.



Well, guidance was... stupid. I just needed the name of a good doctor, after a half hour of convincing him that I am depressed.

It was hard enough by going. But, this seems Very small compared to what I just found out.



My cousin, Mark and his boyfriend are getting married next Summer! They have been together for three years, and just decided to make their relationship take the final leap after the law was passed here in N.Y.

They are in love. You can see it in his eyes. It is the same look I see when I look into my own love's eyes.

A beautiful gift.



So am I happy?

of course.

Am I sad?

I dont know what sad is anymore. It is just a stereotype like "normal"?

Or is there actually reason behind it?

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LordWolf
04:10 Sep 23 2009

i was clinically depressed when i was a teen. it was very difficult doing things at time, and when my first love was killed by a drunk i even became suicidal...but i overcame it, so i know you can as well.



i would suggest you think about it several times before you allow them to put you on meds. anti depression meds can be like a chemical lobotomy taking away your passion, your lust for life.



there is also an uncomfortable history of people on anti depresant meds commiting suicide as well. just make sure you look up all the facts before you start using them.

your friend

~W~

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Today, I admitted to one of my closest friends that I think im suffering from depression.

I feel relieved now. Like I have actually done something right.

She asked why I thought that- why I am feeling that way.

And that is when I realized it. It is because of my parents- of course!

Oh, well. I am going to hold my head high. Never show my weakness.



Other than that, im happy now.

I am actually starting to dance again. I am awake now.



I once wondered what the rest of this life will hold for me. But now I know.

I will finally be where I belong. I will be set for life and beyond once im out of here.

And I don't dare go back.

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LordWolf
23:29 Sep 20 2009

sometimes we can become stronger by talking about things...some times it really is best to hold things in unless you have some special friend to share those things with.

your dance can be the symbol of your strength...even of your defiance.



set your goals, shoot for the stars, and be wise in your planning. if you lay a strong foundation (like finishing school and all of that) then the entire world can open up for you!

just my thoughts

~W~

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LordWolf
23:31 Sep 20 2009

sometimes we can become stronger by talking about things...some times it really is best to hold things in unless you have some special friend to share those things with.

your dance can be the symbol of your strength...even of your defiance.



set your goals, shoot for the stars, and be wise in your planning. if you lay a strong foundation (like finishing school and all of that) then the entire world can open up for you!

just my thoughts

~W~

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9/19



Well, im amazed.

I didnt think I could fall in love with them more than I already did.

But, then I got up this morning and turned on the computer. A brand new email has me smiling still.

Today is going a little better.

At least Henry is enjoying himself- watching birds on my windowsill. He actually ate part of my bagel, too! I swear, HE IS a dog in the body of a cat.



I actually feel whole.



Had another dream last night.

It was of a little girl, and a puppy. We were on the beach with...

I was sitting on the warm sand next to ..., watching the 5- year- old and the little dog play in the water.

Of course, it was in the middle of the night. The moon was high and full.

Lovely.



But what could this mean?

Could it be a vision of the future? I must find out, and soon.

Well, today we had our first official rehearsal for Julius Caesar.

God, I hate people. So loud and noisy....

Its strange. The only time I felt excited or energized was when we were acting to be an angry crowd. We even growled, haha!

Blending in isnt easy for someone like me. All those kids have to act out a character for a few hours. Big whoop.

They have no idea what real acting is like. Every day. All the time.



I dont know why, but im really kind of depressed today. (Not to mention exhausted)

But I think it's a sign.

I think that something's coming. Good or bad, I will welcome it with open arms. At least it will be a refreshing change.



Its weird. I know that I am WAY underaged, but I cant stop thinking about marriage. And having a family.

Ive dreamt about it a few times, and it wont leave my mind.

Is this normal? Of course not. Nothing my head ever is.

Do I like the idea? More than I can describe.

Yeah, im definitely in a hurry to grow up. But I do love the idea.

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typeopositive
18:22 Sep 19 2009

i am here for you. you dont have to pretend with me, ever, Sis. all girld dream of marriage, dont fret my pet ^^

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Why do I feel so empty?

All these things- swarming around me. All these people.

But even in the mob of life, I feel so alone.



Only one voice breaks through my wall. That voice is the one I crave.

It is so powerful, how could it ever Not stand out?

I grow from the words spoken from those lips. They are what I lust most of all. I am addicted to the soft whispers from so close away.



But it is getting harder and harder to stay away from my other world.

I am not sure how much longer I can hold on. Each night I lay in bed, thinking to myself- "another one out of the way. I am another day's worth stronger."

But that is only the half of it. I know that I am growing weaker, too.

This is what kills me, and what gives me life.



But I love them.

I know why we have to stay like this... for now....

What do I do?

How can I make it?

I don't know yet. All I know is that I am forced to succeed.

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LordWolf
23:24 Sep 20 2009

there is a german philosopher that once said "that which does not kill you makes you stronger"



something to recall. i sense a great strength about you, but just like iron becomes steel from the hammer, so people become far stronger from surviving tough situations.



i sense steel about you.

be well

~W~

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