vBlackenedWingsv's Journal
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2 entries this month
06:58 Dec 17 2022
Times Read: 220
This hasn't been an easy week, truth is I wish I wouldn't have found out certain things like I did.
First, and this has me lower than I've been in a long time: Finding out a cousin on my mother's side I'd been out of touch with for too long is gone. This has had me not even wanting to do anything, it's been as if I was gutted. I was given the news on Tuesday. I'm still not okay over this, yet people treat me as if I'm a fucking robot I guess.
Second, I can only count on a handful of people- and that number seems to be dwindling. Those who claim to be there and cannot be bothered when I need you, understand that you were showed up by someone who means the world and all of it's potential to me. Also, understand that the person who did this should have been resting more as she has been ill. This is someone who I feel I need to be there for more, and it humbles me to know she is even still there for me given our history. Cliffsnotes version: A couple of years ago I snapped, I hurt her, I didn't deserve her there anymore after that.
Basically, my takeaway from that is those near me I cannot count on, unless I want a fucking cat thrown at me for emotional support. In shorter terms, Cat, thank you for always being there. I feel like you're the only one who is at times.
Oh and to make it clear, this is trying to release what has me so pissed off. I'm just simply sick of being tired of certain things in my life- namely the people who make showing respect a double standard, or cannot keep their word.
19:56 Dec 03 2022
Times Read: 315
Hindsight has proven to me who really stands by me.
In years past, I was dealing with a lot of things going through my head. To be clear, I am a condition 1 bipolar. 2 years ago my slide was made complete with a total emotional breakdown. Some chose to stand by me, but others saw a chance to swoop in at my weakest. Let's be perfectly clear. I snapped. I was not me. I remember all of it, unfortunately. I ran people away from me, even those it killed me to watch leave my side. Even one I told to.
I have since July 2020 found ways to remain stable, all of which do not involve psychiatric medicine. I have come back stronger than I was, but I have a little message for those who chose to essentially betray me during this time:
Those who saw value in using me as a pawn, just remember how that felt. You won't have a chance again.
Those who stood by- or were there all along, I thank you for being there. For me to say it was a trying and frightening time for me would be an understatement so you may have been the reason I'm still here to type this.
Although, those who turned their backs to me during this, assuming that's who I really am- keep it turned. There is nothing more insulting to me than someone who claims to know a person and only goes by what they see. You all never did know me. Only a few did.
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