The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

My life
05:50 Nov 29 2008
Times Read: 603

When will it be my life? When will it be mine to take? When will I have the right to have my say? Will it be the day I get a good job, the day I walk down the aisle, the day I hold a newborn child of my own blood? When is my life, my life?



Is it in a diploma, is it in a grade, is it in the material things I have, is it in the God I praise? Is it in the eyes of those that befriend me? Is it in the heart of a man that loves me? Is it in the arms of a child I have not yet met?



When? When? When?

Resolution
17:38 Nov 26 2008
Times Read: 609

How do you handle knowing that the relationship you built with someone you thought was trustworthy enough was just a shadow? I always thought that my friendship was rather stable with someone I cared deeply for, instead it was made up of lies from them. I don't think they feel they lied to me, but to go through friendship were they constantly thought about ending our friendship? How much of a lair can you be? I mean if you're going to end it eventually, what is the point on making me suffer anymore blows than I have too?



I am hurt even more so, and rather angry that they even think that I am the reason for their problems. I'm not and in time that fabricated happiness that they found when they broke my heart will soon be destroyed by them. I am somewhat sadistic in this manner. I want them to have all that to show them that all the lies that they ever told themselves to be my friend or not, will come crashing in on them.



I hope that they hug their bible tightly, because I know that if they hadn't of had me they wouldn't of been able to make it through most things. I am in constant awe at how they forget my backbone. I hope that they go through the same things that I did to realize that what i did was only human. I hope they lose as much as I lost and realize, understand, learn. I can't say it enough, but I find myself smiling when I think to myself...it doesn't matter what they say, because they will go through the same things and it will be harder for them to handle because they didn't listen.



They probably think they did, and think that they were some great wonderful friend. Which in most part they were, it's funny that now that i see all they believe, it's going to be a movie when they finally meet what I have already met in early life. Good luck to them, because they are going to need it.

I reached
17:39 Nov 19 2008
Times Read: 630

I woke up to blazing sunlight and liquid dreams that meant nothing to me at all but things that I wish I could change. I could feel as if I was reaching for some deeper meaning to my past experiences, like often I do. I don't want to think that all my experiences were shall attempts at being made whole. There is only one constant feeling uncertainty. Was it really right?

Life has become like a forest to me, I can see the light just over head but I can't find my path. I keep running around in the woods half crazed and tired. I want to stop, but I just can't. I keep looking up at the ever changing light, reaching, searching, needing and burning to get to the destination that really I'm unsure of what I will do when I get there.







Yet even as I start to lose hope that there is nothing to this endlessly spanning forest. I look closely at the floor. All the damage from above and yet here it is a mess. Arranged in awkward angles and somehow these angles are what makes it beautiful. I stare at the ground for a long moment.











For once I just follow the ground instead of looking up at the endless light. Shouldn't the light give me hope? Why is it that up until now I have had my head up in the sky I couldn't find my way out of this forest. I keep going the forest finally thining, coming to something useful. Water...a clearing...







Surprised by this, I stare out over the water looking into nothing. This is probably the most peace I have found in years, and for some reason all those emotions I was feeling earlier don't mean a damn thing. If there were shallow fulfillments they built me into a better person. I know better than to go looking through a forest that i have no idea about. I could enter and go as I please but this peacefulness I feel is what I want to stay in. There is no way I am going back, I have reached my place.

Nervous
16:22 Nov 17 2008
Times Read: 638

I don't like court even if it is over the phone. It makes me feel all funny in the stomach region and I am like seconds away from my hearing I will have to post after it is finished...

Preggos
02:58 Nov 16 2008
Times Read: 646

So...I went to work the other day and didn't expect to have a pregnancy convention going on in the store. To make things creepier..I ended up going on a school field trip with yet another preggo lady. I rode around in the car with her, and what makes it funnier is the ladies that I did ask were all due in december along with the lady that was on the trip with me. I am wondering if there is something in the water and I should stay away. Meh. Preggo lady's are adorable in their own way and they crack me up. I still feel bad for them though, not being able to do anything for themselves not that I think anyone of the ones I came in contact with mind.

Tired
00:22 Nov 15 2008
Times Read: 653

I have been working more, which is good...it keeps my mind from wandering where it shouldn't. I work at a rather awesome place, unfortunately...not enough hours for them to give me. I am tempted to just get a job that offers better hours or just get a second job. I am not really into working two jobs...but a lot of the girls there work two jobs. Probably because of how many hours they don't get by working there. I am thinking about going to starbucks. It would be nice...

Biology vs. Geology vs. Magazine feature writing
20:25 Nov 07 2008
Times Read: 664

I hate school. I am so close to graduating with my associates, but I am so depressed. I hate school, it makes me work so much. I know that I am just whining and I shouldn't be. But, I have so much going on outside of school that I am finding it hard to concentrate. Do you blame me?



I am wondering if this Journalism thing is really where I want to go....I am just going to go with it and hope for the best.

ChemicalDeath
01:37 Nov 07 2008
Times Read: 671

He's one of the guys that I found on here and got close with quickly. I watched him go from single into a relationship and I have listened to him. I don't know were I stand with him anymore. I know that he's sick and that he asked me to leave him alone. I miss talking to him. I guess I'm selfish.

If it's meant to be
18:14 Nov 03 2008
Times Read: 678

If it's meant to be, then it will be and there is nothing that I can do about it. I will hope and pray that it will be what it once was, but that is all I can do. I will let time do it's thing and let me have whatever it is that I need. Although it would be easier if things weren't so messy right now.

I will break free
19:28 Nov 01 2008
Times Read: 681

I have been waying through the darkness of my own pain and taking on those that are in pain. So, now it's time for me to break free. I see my silver lining shining just over head and I reach toward it. Words that have been burned into my soul, I finally know how to start the conversation and I know what to say to make this feeling of relief finally come through.

He slipped
07:00 Nov 01 2008
Times Read: 661

He sat on the bed and called himself my boyfriend again, but corrected himself quickly. I wanted to reach out to him and tell him that I want him to have that title as much as I want my title back. I want the title and more, but I dare not ask nor push him. He deserves much more than me pushing him. I believe me pushing is what caused him to push me away. I wanted him to propose, but he wasn't ready.



I often wonder if I was the whole reason he didn't ask me. Maybe I did a lot of the trouble making, but something tells me I didn't do it all. All I know is that I love him so much that it hurts to think of an existence without him, but if it comes to that I will try to survive.



I can't pretend that me suffering for all my wrongs is going to make it okay. I am a human being and I have been punishing myself for a long time. He could try to punish me, but I believe I have done worse to myself and have been. I can forgive him, but I can't forgive myself. I don't even know if he forgives me, and that is where I find myself questioning my own worth. I wonder if I really am so great or worth marrying.