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Life keeps going, going, gone and I am following it as much as I can. I don't stand still very long, and I don't let other people live my life for me. I can't stand still, life will leave me behind and others will get tired of me. I have been hanging with friends more than ever, because I trully need them right now. I have never felt so vulnerable as I do now. I feel as if things will definately pick up soon.
I will be moving out of my parents house in a month, SO I got my job back from the YMCA and I am working toward that goal. I feel that it would be best for me to move out and not live in a place with so many memories. I can't stand my room right now, it haunts me with the times that him and I spent together.
I also can't take just staying in one place. I am going back to OCCC as well, and continuing to finish my degree. I am also moving in with Brett, one of my best friends. I don't know what will happen between him and I. He isn't a replacement to Arthur, and he won't ever be. He is my strength right now, and he is supporting me with what he can. I really do appreciate him, and I don't think I could make it without him.
We ended, we broke, I walked away and didn't know what to say to you. I had been effected by your words more than you will ever know. They have power, so much power that they tend to cut. I know the power of my own tongue, and I curved it for you. Or at least I thought I had.
You were my "One" for three years, and you said you weren't honest with me because you were scared. I was terrified, you were my first. I gave my all to you, and maybe you think I am giving up. The fact is, I am moving on and I think you have to too. I wasn't enough for you. I realize it.
You told me your fears after I said good bye, I told you every single one I had while we were still in it. You didn't bring into action, you didn't give support. But, you did love me. I loved you, and I believed that it would see us through. I can't stop loving you, and I can't replace you. It's silly to think that I ever could.
I wanted everything with you, and maybe you thought by asking me now after I had shut the door that you could fix it. You kept saying, if you loved me, if you loved me. Darling, I loved you, I love you, I will always love you. Me walking away has nothing to do with lacking any love for you, it's taking care of myself.
I hate being the source of your pain, I hate being the one to make you cry, I hate being the one person that didn't do enough. I hate what I've done to you, but I couldn't keep going. I know you wanted to try again, but you wanted to try after it. I don't want you to ruin your life for me, I don't want you to resent me, and you would of resented me later on, if I would of said yes and had you move in with me.
I can't say I am doing glorious with my heart, I feel like the lowest bug on this planet. I often wonder why we had to end, and the answer is we didn't communicate. We were horrible, and I don't think I did a good job at being your girlfriend. But, I will always love you, respect you, and hope the best for you. I just have to do what is right for me, and the fact is.....you were my greatest most precious love, and I can't have you anymore. We weren't meant to be, and I hope that someday you will see how much I really cared about you. I won't stop caring, and maybe we will be close friends.
Amber i know how hard this is for you. If you ever want to talk just know i'm here. I love you to death and your will always be my friend
It closed on me
19:20 May 24 2008 Times Read: 660
I sat there and I had wondered about why I stayed so long. The answer....time...it had all been time and I couldn't bring myself to answer it until now. I loved you with all my heart, but it had been months since I had been truly happy with you. I wondered if you ever notice how much it hurt when you made the choices you did. You pushed me as far as I could go and now I am standing on a ledge.
I look back behind me and all I see is an abyss of uncertainity. I look forward and I see you standing in the way of what could of been. It's sad to say that you broke us so much. I did all I could do to make it better. I know that I wasn't perfect in this relationship, but neither were you. I paid for every mistake that the girl before me did. I only complained when you didn't seem to see what you were doing. Now, here we stand again. You're about to feel what it's like to have a broken heart again.
My heart has been breaking for the last 6 months and I have done everything in my power to make you see that. I guess in the end, you can't see what you don't want to see. You were the best thing to happen to me, then you twisted everything. Do you remember when I gave you a necklace, that was shaped like a heart? I sometimes glance to see it hanging on the wall in the bathroom, and then I wonder if you have woren it since we first started dating.
I wonder if you read me well enough to know, that this relationship has turned into one of the biggest messes. I wanted to marry you, and you told me no. I wanted to have your children, and you told me no. I wanted to share my religion, not force my beliefs and you shut it off. You listen more to your buddies than to me. Maybe I should understand, after all friends are more important. I am the queen of putting them before you, but it started with you sweetheart. You decided to put things above us.
You decided that it would be alright to bend me until I broke down. I can't break anymore. My heart can't take it. I don't want to move in with someone that only seems to want to "further" the relationship. You don't give me any promises and I give you all of me. I may mess up like, make some of your friends angry, but from what I recall you basically made that happen without me and I got blamed for it. I love your family, they are probably why you developed alot of your great qualities. Yet, I can't stay with you and do it because I don't want to hurt them or you.
You're hurting me so much that it's hard for me to get through a day without being frustrated. I have done all the talking, and the only thing I can get from you is, "I'll be there until you get tired of me." I could NEVER get tired of you, I get tired of your attitude. What about my feelings? When did they get pushed away? What about my plans? When did you stop caring about them? Maybe I made this hard on myself for promising to move to be with you, because I was the only one willing to move. Yet. you had every right to stop it, you could of found another solution, you could of done something to make it better. Instead you just sat back and let me make so many choices on my own.
I can't stress enough, that it hurts to of invested so much time in someone that didn't seem to really want me in the first place. You're sweet sometimes, and you've helped me out numerous times. Yet, where are you when I needed your emotional support? All you did was say you were sorry, and call yourself names. Be a man, do something or I can't keep standing on this ledge. You just keep pushing and pushing, closing in on me. I guess you wanted me to die.
I am in the shittiest mood I have been in a long time. I don't know why, I feel the way I do. I just feel like I am about to burst into a million pieces. I want to just throw things around. I get so physical when I am like this, that it's insane. I think I just need to go to bed. I think I will do just that. BED TIME!
I am about as tired as tired can be. I have had a blessed couple of days away from the rents. We'll see what is going to happen when they get here. My cousin passed away the beginning of the week, and that is why they had to leave. I am hoping that they aren't in a crummy mood when they get back. My cousin Katie will be with them.
I am not used to extended family, in all actuality I kind of feel out of place around them. I haven't grown up around extended family. My grandparents have always been faces I respected, but don't know how I really feel about them. I guess I'm a bad granddaughter, but it happens.
I am moving away in two weeks to be with the man of my dreams. I lost my way for a while, but I know what I want and who I want. I want him, and he wants me. He isn't sure if marriage is in the future, but he wants to see where the relationship will go. He wants to see if we can make it, and he can't see it without living with him. I will have to see what will happen, because sitting here and wondering what if...is something that I can live with.
We will see if I can make things better for myself. I hope that I can make it to the other side. I hope that in the end he will see that I am made for him, and he is made for me. Every fiber in my being is made to be his, and he should take me as I am. I can't be anything other than what I am.
I have maybe some of the best friends that I could ever ask for. They are the best group of people that I have allowed into my life to shape it in some form. They are one of the main reasons I am alive today. I would of been long gone if it wasn't for all of their love, loyality, and devotion. I have built some of the most stable relationships you could find in this life time to the next. I am glad to say that the people in my life are those that I want in my life for years to come. The ones that don't stay close, will fall off and become a fond memory. As for right now, the people that are most prominate in my life will hopefully before all time.
One of those people that I have recently allowed in my life, is also one of the best friends I have ever made. He is so special, as well as all my besties. ^.^
But I found a song that really just said alot about him and I. We're just two peas in a pod.
This is an actual conversation/action done, but he didn't really die. Lucky Bastard knows I couldn't kill him even if I tried. But it is still amusing to watch him play dead. XD
My fears have all the sudden gone quiet, there is a plan a head of me and I know what I must do. I feel as if I am heading in the correct direction. My soul is all a flutter of light, and I wonder if they will understand. Somehow I think they will, I feel like it's been months since I have truly slept, years since I have made peace. But I smile.
It's coming, I see the light, it's about to engulf me and take me whole. I can't help but know that I am doing the right thing. All the strings of my past will be cut, and I will be a new person. I will experience things I have never done before. I will be made stronger, harder, and a whole lot better.
Will they be there? I hope so. I feel happy, and sad. I somehow know the fears I felt were the ones that kept me grounded. I am letting them go, it's time to fly.
I will miss everyone and everything that I have done at my home and I realize more than anything that I am going to be so lonely. Even if I have him, and we are happy. I will still want my friends and family. I hope that I don't relapse into depression. x.x
COMMENTS
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Angelus
02:11 May 30 2008
..tomorrow is the day I look forward to.
..may tomorrow have a blue-sky.