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Well, I moved out of my parents house about two weeks ago and have been enjoying my freedom. I haven't let really that much bother me, other than the fact that my job that I have, hasn't paid me in almost a month. I keep on them about my paper work and the fact that I need my hours in. I am really sort of stressed about that. Because my roommates and friends have been paying for me to stay out of debt.



I am thinking that after this is all said and done, I will be going and getting myself a new job. I have put in an application to Sprint and am hoping to hear back from them by the time I get back from my trip to Las Vegas.



Things with Arthur are much better than they had been. I like having him around and I just don't seem to feel like I can live with out him. He has been a big part of my life since I was 18. Can you blame me?



He also isn't a bad man, he just let's people or the environment influence him into thinking a certain decision is the right decision. He is rethinking alot of what went on in our relationship and we are actually fixing alot of our problems. I do want to be with him, but I am taking my time to just have him as a good friend.

I had to steal this idea and make it happen! I hope you understand Ms. October! XD



Things I want to do with someone I love:



1. Go out to a movie, a funny movie and laugh the night away.

2. Have a meaningful conversation about life, love, and spiritual contenance.

3. Take pictures of a sun set.

4. Dance around to music in our heads together

5. Dance in the rain.

6. Cuddle tightly on the couch

7. Lay down under the sky and look at the stars.

8. Talk about our pasts with no shame.

9. Hold hands, without making anything of it.

10. Set by the lake and watch a sunset.

11. Talk about the unbelieveable and not make fun of it.

12. Watch a kid's show, and laugh at it's simplicity.

13. Run through the park at night, and let childhood set in for a moment.

14. Eat ice cream under the starlit sky.

15. Walk to a store, just for entertainment.

16. Bike around the neighborhood.

17. Rollerblade through the park.

18. Cuddle in bed under my glowing stars and listen to the soft music.

19. Sleep next to each other, without making anything sexual of it.

20. Sing silly songs that mean nothing.

21. Play with each others hair.

22. Watch anime.

23. Play a video game that both of us can get into.

24. Read a book that we both can enjoy.

25. Pick up a Manga series that would be awesome for each of us.

26. Sit in a book store with some mixed coffee just reading or talking about the day.

27. Play in the leaves of autmn trees.

28. Sit out with a blanket in winter.

29. Go through a light display holding hands.

30. Sing christmas carolls to neighbors with no shame.

31. Laugh at nothing, just because it's funny.

32. Have inside jokes that mean the world to us.

33. Know that Homestarrunner is the greatest website since slice bread.

34. Have parties, that are of our close friends and bring them in closer.

35. Swim in a pool!

36. Ride horses

37. Make mixed CDs that are filled with music that reminds of us of each other.

38. Go on a vacation together somewhere.

39. Go on a road trip to some outlandish place.

40. Travel to the ocean and body surf.

41. Massage each other's backs.

42. Learn each other's habits

43. Realize the assests of each other's souls.

44. Eat out at a resturant, even if it's fast food because it's fun.

45. Eat something that i've made you, and hopefully enjoy it.





I can't think of anymore, but I am sure there are lots of things I would like to do with someone special in my life. XD

First of all, there were several instances were I talked to Arthur about how I was feeling. I told him, and things never got done about it. He called himself stupid and felt bad for making me feel bad. So, is it my fault that we never came to an agreement?



Second, I always hoped Arthur and I would get married. I broke up with him because he couldn't give me a direction in that. I don't see it as a bad thing to break up with someone, when they don't want the same things. I never forced the idea of marriage on Arthur. I merely put it out there that I wanted to marry him.



Third, I didn't have "excuses" as to why I wasn't in Lawton when I said I would be. I had a cousin die, friends graduate from high school, and another friend coming in from Arkansas to visit. All of which can be proven, and excuses can't be proven.



Fourth, I believe my decision to stay where I am is an adult decision. Because I couldn't see myself down there. I can pull my weight of bills and have been paying my cell phone bill despite his obvious conclusion that I am not. The only bill I owe is this months currently. The bank card was one that i got for Arthur, the credit card was barely used and if I used it I paid him back unless he told me not too. I didn't "let" my purse get stolen, it got stolen by someone that was just desperate. If anything any money spent on the credit card was paid back by the company and nothing was lost. So, I think it's bull that i just let it happen. It's not something I would let happen.



Fifth, he came up to see me because I was unsure, and when he got there I realized that there was no way to fix things. So I did break up with him, because of the situation. Him losing money over me breaking up with him, I feel is somewhat is my fault, but he is a big boy.



Sixth, Arthur was good to me, but I was good to him too. He did come and pick me up in the city. Not because I didn't like to drive, but because I was having anxiety attacks about driving to Lawton with the car that I had. The car was breaking down left and right, who would want to make a trip with a car that could just go out on you? It put me into panic mode EVERY TIME.



Seventh, I never said i would get back together with Arthur if he moved up to the city. i never told him to move up to the city. I actually stayed completely out of that decision. He told me once that he would do it, and i told him not to move for me. In fact I told him not to do anything of the sort with moving. i wanted him to be happy, and if that meant staying in Lawton, I wanted him to stay there. So yelling at me about it, is an invalid argument and should be made to the person that is making the decision. Also, I like Pete, but he just annoys me.



Eighth, His wife never went above and beyond being my friend. I did, I messaged Her, and I talked to her. There hasn't been an opinion that I haven't been able to take. I don't mind opinions, but when you start putting your nose in a situation that you know nothing or barely anything about, then I have a problem. She wasn't even expressing an opinion, she was attacking me and my relationship with Arthur. She also threatened me. Also a journalist isn't supposed to have an opinion while doing the news. There are only three times you can, and then you will have to suffer with someone's opinion. I am not looking into that. I also already re-did the classes I "bombed." So, he can think what he wants.



Ninth, I never asked Arthur to choose between his friends and family or me. I told him I never would and I never have. I kept my word when it came to that. I think it's stupid to compare the value of what would be lost if I would of moved to Lawton. My relationships are very important and I am sure Arthur feels the same about his relationships.



This all leads to the fact that I am some immature selfish bitch. In my opinion I don't think I am, I believe that Michael himself is, but you all can make the judgments. So, this is the end to my argument back.

So recently my quote on quote "best-friend" and his longtime girl broke up. I felt really bad for him (Notice how I said him), but I, along with others knew it was coming. So now, she has been in my opinion (see how I say opinion) trashing him. Telling him how much he was hurting her (but yet wasn't telling him this) and not fixing things in their relationship (again, never telling him these things), and mainly broke up with him b/c he couldn't give her a direction that they where going towards. For as long as I could remember, it was ALWAYS, Arthur when we getting married, Arthur I want marriage, me and Arthur better get married. Well, Arthur like a smart person, never said when or of. He told her that there would be a time that they would have to spend together before he would know. Nothing wrong with that right? Didn't think so. Also, she was suppose to move down to Lawton this summer and start going to Cameron (if she could), but was making all the excuses and staying I'll be there this week, well now it's this weekend, now this one, etc. Well, that's when she called Arthur, before he had to go to work to ask him about this "direction" and he told her he didn't know. He wanted to move in first to see if they could even make it under one roof and to see if see could pull her own weight with bills and such. That's not asking to much is it? I didn't think so, that's called being a fucking adult Amber....look it up and ask some "real" adult friends (if you have any). So Arthur, like the good day he is (but she said he's not) says you want me to come to OKC. She told him yes, and bring my stuff. Well, any person knows that's not good. So he takes off work, goes to OKC, for Amber to break up with him. So Arthur is hurt, Amber too, I mean yes 3+ years and that would hurt anyone. So Arthur gets his credit card from her and other things (yes I said credit card. For someone who wasn't good enough sure did take damn good care of her, credit card, bank card, cell phone (all of which she let someone steal cuz she wasn’t watching her purse one time). So Arthur comes back to Lawton, gives me a call and I told him sorry, but like I said, knew it was coming and in a way glad. I mean, what's wrong with living together and seeing if ya'll can make it together before getting married? I mean I did it and we didn't live together, but my situation is very different, I was leaving for Saudi. (Which Amber was very sad about us getting married when she had been with Arthur for so long already...LoL) So now sad, Arthur calls in to work the next day. So with this break-up he has lost 2 days. The next day was Memorial Day, time and a half...yay....but Arthur didn't know you have to work the day before holiday and day after, which he worked day after, but not day before back of being sad over Amber, so Arthur figured it, that was about $300 lost!! So Arthur has been beating himself up over and over about all this, and has been blogging and saying that he was never good enough, he should have told he would marry her and all this other shit. Amber, Arthur was and will be the best thing for you! I hope you NEVER get him or ANYONE else for that matter. There was nothing wrong with the way he treated you. He would come to OKC just to pick you up b/c you didn't like to drive!! Gave you a credit card, bank card, put you on his cell plan (which you are still using, but paying the bill...total BS)!! I mean so tell me how he wasn't good enough? You say there where things that you didn't know about him and vise versa, well Arthur didn't even know you had those feelings, nor did he know you felt like there where problems. So now, you have Arthur believe he wasn’t good enough for you! Do you really believe that? Did he beat you, hurt you and keep you from enjoying a good life? Nope, he went above and beyond what any BOY-FRIEND should, could or would do. You had it good Amber!! So now Arthur want to move up to OKC, b/c you have him believing he "needs" to do this in order to fix the relationship. Arthur said there's other things that need to be fixed first, but this move is more important. Arthur doesn't even have a job up there Amber, how is suppose to live and support himself? Yes, you didn't have a job when you where going to come down here, but you had a place to stay rent free and all utilities. So that was no issue for you, suck-um for what he's got like always. So Arthur want's to move by July 7th. No job, still has a car payment, no apartment, has to put money down for apartment, utilities, look for job while he has to pay all this up front. You ever think your the SELFISH one? And you say in your blog your not even sure you want him there or even happy for him. Just for better job. Hard to find a better job when you have no job to pay your bills in the first place dumb-shit. So you ever think if you love him....as you claim to have before and now...your letting him make a very big mistake? He's going to try and pay the rest of his car off with a credit card Amber, and I don't care how stupid you are, but that is fucking dumb!! The interest rate alone on that will be crazy if he has to do it cash advance way. So besides that, he has to come up with a security deposit (usually half of rent), pet dep. (usually $150, he has never had utilities (nor have you) some will make you do down payment, and not to mention, but a credit check for apartment. Then to top it all off, he's talking about working @ McDonalds just to be able to make it if he can't find a good job like he was here in Lawton. I figured it, He will need to make @ least $10hr and work 80hrs every 2 weeks. That's only $800 every 2 weeks before taxes, so about $650 or so after. Hello rent and utilities are going to be more or right at!! Get a fucking clue Amber what you going to let him do. And to let him move with no intention of getting back with him? Your the selfish bitch, not Anna my wife for talking some sense into Arthur...you dumb ass. She owes you no forgiveness or anything. She has gone out her way to be your friend, and just b/c any reveals her "OPINON" about your blogs it gets your all upset? Your want to be a journalist? GOOD FUCKING LUCK, you can't even take people's opinion on your blogs....Well, first you have to finish school and those classes you bombed. Anyways, back to Arthur moving, along with Arthur, he's talking Pete into moving to OKC with him. You don't even like Pete, plus again, you going to let "2" people leave great jobs to move to OKC and not even have jobs. Yea Pete maybe able to transfer, but he doesn't have the best track record with ZLB so they don't even have to let him transfer. You need to grow the fuck up and realize what your about to let your so called friend Arthur and previous lover do. You ever think off all the money he could be about to waste and the job and the friendships he about to lose? Your friends don't even like him, if ya'll get back together you going to leave your friends for Arthur, or just let them keep bashing him? Your parents too? WoW, your way more selfish, childish and ignorant than I EVER thought!! Further more, you just let a 13+ friendship end today. I just can't believe your going to sit back and watch someone make a mistake like your about to let Arthur make. Yes he may make it and make ends meet for a long time, but the price he's going to pay to do it and then you may not even take him back? WTF!!! You need to smack yourself and look in the mirror Amber, get a clue and think!!! I'm done, Arthur if you read this, sorry, but not going to let some KID trash my wife for NEVER DOING A DAMN thing!!! Only ever voicing her opinion. Also Arthur, you tell Amber about you and Anna's conversations, but what about me and you? I know we have some pretty good ones about Amber and me you bashing her and some of the things? Why you not tell her all that? Further more Arthur for the record, we are not the only ones that think your making a mistake, but so do some of our school friends man. Just think before you act Arthur, I know your hurt, but now your going to be hurting over her and now the loss of me, your best friend since 5th grade. Sorry man, I just can't be apart of this, nor watch her ruin your life anymore.





P.S. You say you didn’t want to move b/c your friends and family. Well, how could you be with someone if your friends don’t even like them? And friend…we had friends that wanted to come to SAUDI and she us along with our family….so that’s some fucking bullshit about leaving your friends. Arthur has way more her in Lawton, to drop and move to OKC, family, god-kids, nephew and friends. Plus this good job, that he likes, good at and has time invested in…but I guess you could give two shits bout that huh Amber, just like you gave two shits to tell him all the problems and issues you had until you felt the need to break up.

_________________________________________

Written to me about my break up with Arthur, his friend Michael did this. I can back up everything said on my end of the story. Let's just say this guy isn't getting the full story, and believes I am the cause for his friendship ending. I think he has alot in the argument that he didn't understand. So many holes, to the point that this argument has no valid reasoning. I think it my next journal entry, I will make points for all you to see where I stand exactly. As for now, comments, messages, and suggestions are welcome!

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house

That don’t bother me

I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out

I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while

Even though going on with you gone still upsets me

There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok

But that’s not what gets me



What hurts the most

Was being so close

And having so much to say

And watching you walk away

And never knowing

What could have been

And not seeing that loving you

Is what I was tryin’ to do



It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go

But I’m doin’ It

It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone

Still Harder

Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret

But I know if I could do it over

I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart

That I left unspoken



What hurts the most

Is being so close

And having so much to say

And watching you walk away

And never knowing

What could have been

And not seeing that loving you

Is what I was trying to do



What hurts the most

Is being so close

And having so much to say

And watching you walk away

And never knowing

What could have been

And not seeing that loving you

Is what I was trying to do



Not seeing that loving you

That’s what I was trying to do



Sadly this song would have to describe another relationship I had. So sad that things are going to have to end. So, sad that it could of been so much better. So sad, so very sad.