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Everytime I hear about someone else getting married, way before they should. I smile and feel as if there is thorns sticking to my side. Sometimes I even feel like something is poking at my heart and ripping. I feel as if the desire to be legally wed crashing over me in waves. I am in no means crazy to think that I shouldn't marry the man I'm with. It has been almost three years and perfectly sane to start looking for the next step. One thing I am doing is moving in with him, then after that...I just don't know.



It's a sore spot for me really, marriage proposal's being thrown around like candy and I don't get a piece. I just don't know how it will work out being unmarried whenever someone comes up to you and says "I'm getting married" after maybe 1day of knowing someone. I find is so sickening and maybe I'm jealous. Maybe I just want to be in their place, but I can't help and wonder. Why is all these men willing to commit their lives to someone, and the one I pick that wants me forever still has cold feet.



I had a dream last night about it, and I think I realized it's meaning. My parents are moving to a new house, and I'm going with them. We walk in and the rooms are rather small, then you go down some stairs and it's much bigger. Then there is another set of stairs from there that leads to the bedrooms. The bedrooms are basically sectioned off and stacked on top of each other. To get to them you have boards to travel on, but there are huge holes that lead to the down stairs. So it's sort of like a fun house. This is how I see it.



I have room for a lot of change, the house represents me, because being a cancer and being highly connected with the home. You have it right there. In some places I am not ready to open. Then of course there are holes in my heart, which would be where the bedrooms are. One because let's face it, the most intimate place is the bedroom and two that is where you dream. So I see holes in my dreams. I also fell down on a floor beam, meaning I feel like I am about to hit rock bottom. Which would be the down stairs that I came from. The climbing up the stairs with Arthur would be us working together, and him and I falling is us going apart.



I can see what my sub-conscious is saying and the move is really scaring me. So, yeah thorns, holes, and hopes dashed away.

I went to bed at 1:30am and I had to get up at 8am. Yeah, I am one tired little person, and I know that today is going to be rough. I went to Tyler's page and I looked at his new pictures. I was glad to see him happy, and I hope that it'll stay that way.



I feel uneasy though about this girl, I don't know her so I can't really judge her motives. From the pictures it seems like she really likes Tyler and if it makes him happy I just can't hope for someone better. I give him all my support and faith in that area.



Yet, even then I don't want to have to help pick up pieces if she breaks him. I'm very afraid of him breaking, he is my friend and brother to the end. I love him, and I don't trust very easily. Yet, even then I listened to his music as my lullaby to go to sleep.



I wondered if he missed talking to me, because I know I miss hearing his voice and his pestering. Even if I would get mad at him sometimes. I just miss it.

be at home asleep right now. I like dreaming.

The only way to truly have faith is to leave it all to the wind. The only way to see is to let go of everything that you hold dear. The only way to go is the best way to be free. I have noticed that I will come up against things that are impossible for me to do. I cannot do any of it without my Lord.



I must let go of all of my rights into believing that I can change someone when they don't want to be changed. I can't fix anything that isn't really broken, and I can't expect much more than what is offered to me. I will love like there is no tomorrow, and maybe in loving them and caring for them they will see what I see. I can't force my way, just like they can't force theirs.



I want my way as much as my heart beats, but this is a fight that I cannot win with regular weapons. I will love like no tomorrow, and I will show them that just because I want something different than they expected, it won't end what we have.

When I entered my faith years ago, I understood that not everyone was going to believe the same way that I did. That everyone had to find their own way of believing. I had my faith and the lord that is all that mattered. I had those that shared my faith, and were willing to try to understand some of things that I did. I wasn't always a Christain, In fact I tried out atleast 3 other religions before I came to what I liked the most.



I have been Wiccan, Buddist, and even walked my own path with religion without an organization to help. I don't see the point in trying to justify which religion is better. Since, I have become an avid christain I have not stomped on another's beliefs once. I am very open when it comes to other people's beliefs. That is step one in my religion, you're to be like Jesus not judge others for their actions nor beliefs. There is freedom in loving another as a person but not their actions.



I am sick of people that are of the same faith throwing the bible at others simply because they believe it's GOD'S WORK. If it was truly God's work, then they would understand that the only way to make someone believe in what you say and do, is by actions. You cannot force feed someone the information if they don't want it. There is a lot of hate toward my particular religious group because of the fact that they oppose any change or any thing that isn't "normal."



I have met my fair share of religious intolerant christains and I find it rather sickening really. When will they ever learn from their mistakes? Each person that you push to the bible, will back off because it isn't something THEY WANTED THEMSELVES! What is the point to any of it? I am so sick and tired of getting stereotyped myself because of the people in my faith belief system making scars in my path. I have changed others opinions on me as a christain, but I am really getting tired of having to defend people that walk the same as I do.



Yet, even as I see it, if this path was an easy way everyone would jump on the band wagon. What I want most is peace and I will seek it out. What I want more than that, is for people to see under the muck of what others have done and see that we are not all that bad.

It seems that when you post in the forum people like to come check out what you have to say in you journal. How strange? I guess I should post more in the forum for a turn out like that again. XD



Anyways, new years was awesome and rather relaxing really. I drank alittle, and played a video game. I'm not a very high energy type person, but it entertained me to play my video game. ^.^ I didn't go to bed until 8 in the morning, but Oh, well. Such is the life of an endless gamer.



I have been reading though as well, a book about a woman's soul. There are alot of things that I didn't even know. Like how do we make our paths to womanhood? It seems like none of us women are really given much of a hand, just rules and expectations of society. I realize that we are seen as just the caregivers alot, but what else is there to a woman?



We are strong, yet we are soft and it seems that we are the most complicated species ever created. XD Not that we all didn't know that, especially with how men are always scratching their heads trying to figure us out. Oh, well, the world will only understand the surface I guess.