The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

I spent most of my holiday with my boyfriend, and I enjoyed myself. I didn't want to go back home because, well he isn't here. I hate not seeing him, and I won't see him for 5 days. I think I can squirm for alittle bit. I have a friend coming in on the 27th, so I will have to go say 'hi' to her.



What did I get for Christmas? 5 books, Nitendo DS, Animal Crossing, 2 t-shirts, A Manga, 2 Angel Statues, Lotion, Bath stuff, A pair of pants, A skirt with a nice shirt, A $25 gift card to Old Navy, A pair of earrings, The Shakira CD (American one), The new Madonna CD, Mr. and Mrs. Smith the DVD, A M&M candy dispenser, and that's about it. I think I made it out pretty good this year, I didn't realize how much I got until I spelled that all out, goodness and I got like 7 different items from my boyfriend. I only got him a sweater. v.v I didn't have enough money for much else.



Well, he got me alot because it was our 6 month anniversary at the same time. I had a good holiday over all. I just was alittle depressed when it was time to leave. I wanted to stay with him, I hate leaving him, and he knows it. My parents didn't even care that I came in about 10:30pm, and he didn't leave until almost midnight from my house. I don't think they care if Arthur stays or not. I'm glad they're warming up to him.



I can't wait until next fall though, I'm moving out with him. By then, I would of been with him for about a year and 2 months. So, we're waiting a while before we live with each other. -shrugs- I'll have to see about that one.

I've been wanting to know what it is, that drives me to be the way I am. Some say that my personality is awesome, and they enjoy me. Others would say that I'm annoying, and I need to calm down. I'm who I am, that's all I can say.



I've had people ask me why I call myself Unpretty. It's because on the inside, and alot of times the outside, I am unpretty. Those pictures that you see on my profile and in the portfolio are pictures of me, and the things I write down is me. I'm smiling in most of my pictures, because for maybe a second I was happy. You're getting snap shots of me being happy.



You're getting a glimpse of my insides when you read my profile, but it's all just muffled introductions that people over look. I'm not that pretty people, I'm actually a relatively normal person, that has some downs once in a while. I CHOOSE to have light conversation, and seem like a clown.



I CHOOSE for people to think that I'm all high flying, when really I'm this deep emotional person, that just wants to be understood. No one knows the differences between the sides of me, I'm a revolving door. You think you got your footing, and I turn the other way.



I guess the best way to explain my name, is that it's the clash of these different aspects of my personality that's unpretty. I'm a royal mess, that CHOOSES to put a smile on my face. I have slight depression, and some mood swings, but I'm a woman. I know that most of my feelings are natural.



The slight depression comes from my mental need to break myself down, and leave others to build me up. I get frustrated when people don't build me up, and I crave attention sometimes. I guess I'm flicked that way. I like to get attention, but not too much. I want others to call me Beautiful or pretty, while I break myself down.



It's just easier to set my standards for myself low, so then I'm not disappointing myself. I can let other people think so highly of myself, as for me I'm always half asleep.

If there is one thing that I 've learned from my boyfriend, and that is that he only calls someone beautiful if he cares. It's nice to know that he really cares about me, because I care about him alot. He just sort of wavers on the word. He called me beautiful twice a couple months back, and then stopped. Strange?



Well, he calls me beautiful again, and I'm thinking he's going to say he loves me. I was wrong. He can care so much about me, and yet be so unsure about his feelings. He tells me it's hard for him not to say it.



Well, honey I wish you would say it. I'm not saying I'm unhappy with him, I'm happy to even get a "you're beautiful," from him. I just want to know where exactly I stand. I want him to say it. We've been together for 6 months on Christmas, sad that I feel like I'm the only one in love.

I find myself slightly depressed with the fact that I cannot provide my friends with gifts. I made some necklaces and I gave two away. They liked them, but still I feel so....unsure.



I want to feel more useful than what I have been feeling. I've been hiding my depression under cheery jokes, and quick wit. Really, I'm just tired, and I've been wanting to sleep more than be awake.



I find myself gravitating to the whole idea of just writing for a living. The only problem is that I am not experienced enough to handle affairs like that. My parents do not support me in that endeavour. They leave me to my own devices, and I want to get published.



I want to make money, and I want to buy people nice things. I don't know, call me crazy? I'm running out of materials to make gifts too, and I think I'm going to have to start writing poems for people. Yet, my words can only mean so much to a person. I like to be symbolic with gifts, rather than words.



I can be a materialistic person, as well as everyone else. Christmas has brought me more stress, than cheer. Oh, well here goes another Christmas, I guess I can for atleast my family act like I'm happy.

Beliefs, are just a system of views that you connect with emotionally. Logic, tells me this. Beliefs are often translated into opinions, because of the similarities. You're not here for definitions though, you're here to ask me, 'What I believe in?' My beliefs, my opinion.



Love, I believe in love. Love is described as a chemical reaction, to the opposite sexes phermones. (Sometimes same.) That's the scientific take on such things. When I'm asked about love, I believe it's a connection with another person that is much deeper than friendship. You can share almost anything with that person. Sometimes, you don't know where you end and that person begins. You're driven to do better than you ever thought you could.



I believe there is love at first site, it's the relization, trust, and connection that comes later. Maintance of a relationship is easier than people think. When you love that person, you work to keep it together. You don't let things get in the way. You don't realize, how hard it is. It's the environment, and people around you that make it hard.



Jealousy, It's an emotion you get when you want something, someone has. It can be an item, gift, or even a person you're with. Maybe it's who you are, or what you're doing. People want what they can't have most of the time. Jealousy, not only causes one to sink to lows unimagineable. You become a monster. If you excell in Jealousy, you excell in distruction. Everthing can fall a part from this emotion. This can cause angier which is a horrible emotion in itself.



Angier, is merely a heated performance of yourself. You say things that you don't mean. You'll fight over something silly, it can cause just a misunderstanding to grow. When you're done being angry, you hurt, and others regard you in a different mannerizium. I also believe that angier is a show of weakness. This emotion is the hardest to control, and people get a high from making others angry. Not all, but most. It's like hitting the right buttons, and knowing that this person will blow up if you do a center thing.



Hate, an emotion devoid of love, not passion. There is passion in this emotion, just like there is in love. Only it's flipped. Love and hate are on the same coin merely, you change back and forth. Hate is also another problem it can cause one to become sickly. When you hate, you make yourself like stone. This can cause you bodily harm and even emotional dependence to feel like you're alive.



I believe that you should study the people around you. It's like seeing it from another view that you never thought you had before. It's a fasination to me, it's also an effective tool for wirting. The best writers, have been physicologist. Their understanding of humans have done so. Only the problem with physicologist is that they believe in theories to much, and not the people infront of them. People aren't just another Theory. They are people.



I believe there are good people in the world. It's shoveling off the dirt and digging through the crods that's hard. People will repeat your action, no matter how old they are. It may not be exactly the same way, but it's there. Remember picking up on your best friend's gestures, for the first time?



I believe in god. There is too much evidence infront of me to know that. The bible is not bull shit, when you read and really understand it, is when you know, you can believe. If you don't want to read the bible, try disproving god scientificly. They don't know what makes lipids. Think about that.



There is energy all around you, that not only influence your thoughts, but your physical awareness. The only problem is that humans can cope, and therefore the environment as influenced you, but not any longer. Ever remember going outside and feeling that first awareness of open spaceness? Yeah, the energy from the earth is radiate.



My beliefs are far and wide, some too complicated to explain.

The light plays brillantly across the glass, but I can't seem to understand the fraction of it's purpose. I wanna understand, but I can't do it. I'm nothing like you. When I feel like I'm soaring above the clouds, you manage to bring me down. I open the door and believe it's shining, but really it's rain that's coming down. So, here I go once more, Falling, Flautering like you want me too.



The clouds seem to part, and have mercy on me, but I know it's all just a joke. You have the power to do what you want. I'm just not strong enough to withstand your pull. So, I open the door and believe it's shining, when really it's raing that's coming down. So, here I go once more, Falling, Flautering like you wanted me too.



You're smile seems bitter, why I must ask? Didn't you find what you where looking for? Then again, I'm never too sure, because you're just as confused as anyone else around you. So, must I mistake all that you take from me as just part of a game? I look in the sky, and think I feel the rays of the sun, but it waters me down, and it's cold. So, here I go! I'm coming down, I'm coming down from my sky. I guess you didn't want to see me fly. I guess you didn't want to see me soar. But, everyone knows about your jealousy, and I'm the only one that can withstand the heat.



I'll stand here with my face up to the sky, as it all seems to fall down. You make the skies cry as they fall down. You make children run, as they fall down. You make me feel like it's my fault, when I fall down. I just wish I could understand, why you can't stand to have nothing fall down.

Well, after about two months of searching for a job, I have been offered a job. I have two interviews. So, I have a decision to make. I'm wondering just what I'll choose.

I was reading along in my intro to psychology book, and this Disorder struck me as something that I have a slight case of. heh I couldn't help but write it down in here. I quote!



"Among the dissociative disorders, none is more fascinating-or controversial-than dissociative identity disorder, formerly known as multiple personality disorder. Dissociative identity disorder, abbreviated DID, involves extensive memory disruptions for personal information along with the presence of two or more distinct identities, or "personalities," within a single person."



"Typically, each personality has its own name and is experienced as if it has its own personal history and self-image. These alternate personalities, often called alters, may be of widely varying ages and different genders. Alters are not really separate people. Rather, they constitue a "system of mind." That is, the alters seem to embody different aspects of the individual's personality that , for some reason, cannot be integrated into the primary personality. The alternate personalities hold memories, emotions, and motives that are not admissible to the individual's conscious mind."



"At different times, different alters take control of the person's experience, thoughts, and behavior. Typically, the primary personality is unaware of the existence of the alternate perosnalities. However, the alters may have knowledge of each other's existence and share memories. Somtimes the experienes of one alter are accessible to another alter but not vice versa."



I wonder...How much I can peel away my self image to find all these little characters that lie so embedded within myself. I am a writer, and my books are dictated by what the character is saying to me. I don't write a bunch of shit down, and call it art. I'm writing a story that happens to be a story that someone in my mind has chosen to tell me. I'm alittle crazy, but hey it makes me a pretty good writer, atleast that's what others tell me.



I sometimes wish I had the disorder, because there are a few events in my life I'd like to say someone else was in my body. I bet everyone has had some sort of instance where they are embrassed, yeah I would just rather have had a different personality take over my mind.

It never fails to show me how much my older siblings know so little about me. I absolutely despise Old Navy, but my older brother sent me a gift card for it. $25, and it was declined at the cash regester when I found a purse that I liked. That's the only thing in there that I liked besides a pair of pajama pants. There wasn't much else that I enjoyed considering, they have such ugly clothes.



Luckily, Arthur was there to save the day and bought me the purse. Goodness I love him so much. Well, later that night come to find out they sent me the WRONG card, how messed up is that? Oh, well when I do get my money, I'll just spend it on Christmas presents for other people. I don't have much to give this year, but whatever I can find I will do.



I've decided that making things are going to be the best way to go. I'm making necklaces, braclets, and other types like that sort of items. I'm just really short of cash, but I think my family will understand. The only person I'm going to be spending money on is Arthur.



It's because I care about him more than anyone else, besides my mother. I will always care about my mother the most. I know there is alot of differences between her and I, but I love her to pieces. As for the rest of the family? I don't know how to rank them, I know my father is at the lowest. I think my sister comes right after my mother, than my older brother. Then the inlaws, I like my brother's wife more than my sister's husband.



After that it moves to the kids, I hold Ethan above all of them. One, because I just think he is the most adorable little thing. Two, because he isn't like any of the other little girls, then of course goes Kayley, then Alicia, then Kendal and Lindsay share the last spot. One because I don't know how to react to Lindsay and Kendal is a little brat.



I guess you can see I have a ranking level with my family, it's sad to say that I hold one person in higher accord than the next. I can't help it though, I despise my Father the most, and my older siblings are just so out of touch. Doesn't it seem that I'm the one distanting myself?



That's not true, oh dear no. They were born so much earlier than me, and they live in a different state. It was only natural that I should begin to break away. I don't think I'll ever have a strong relationship with them, but it's not entirely my fault. -smiles-

I slept in today, it's been a while since I've done that. It was about 10 before I got my lazy butt out of the bed, in the look of my messed up covers and my cat sleeping all curled up next to my feet. (I wonder what he'd do if I kicked him?)



So, I struggled against the cold of my room, because my parents refuse to let the air temperature rise above 67 degrees, and all the hot air is sucked out my large window. great.

I shivered across the floor, and made myself a bowl of cereal. I found it amusing that they called the cereal 'Life.' Sometimes I wonder if that brand of cereal was really just saying people need a life, or they should devour life like we do when we eat?



I struggled into my clothes, that I don't like to wear because I feel so uncomfortable in the "nice" clothes my parents get me. I really have too many clothes, and I should just burn some of them or give them away. Yet, I want money so, I've decided to sell my clothes to the general public in an attempt to make something off it.



I went to a job fair today, and ended up stuck there for 4 hours. I have nothing to share from it, I have no job still. I'm bored, and sick of searching for a job. I just want to go to sleep, and wake up with my boyfriend holding me. I'd rather have a less stress life.

Lately, I've been cooped up in the void that has become my house. Usually I enjoy the laid back atmosphere, the hours of mindless playing upon the internet, and tapping on the keyboard. I've grown rather tired and bored of it. I go onto websites and read other people's work. I find myself becoming more arrogant when it comes to writing.



I've even boasted to say that I'm going to knock Anne Rice off of her high horse. I think I've gotten way too much of an ego as of lately that has anything remotely to do with writing. Oh, well I will knock Anne Rice off of the charts, it's a dream of mine. -grins-



I went to the mall today with one of my friends to meet another there to talk to. I was there because I had to get out of the prison my parents placed me in. I feel like a caged animal, and I'm just about ready to rip open the door and attack all that is around. Too bad, no one is around when I'm running around screaming through the house. It's in those moments I feel the most free, I can stretch and my parents don't know I'm pulling out my hair to please them.



Goodness, I'm tired of this constant threat of not having any money. I have had enough! I'm done to just hundred dollars, and I'm begging people to take me up for a job. My parents want me to go back to the place I worked before. I don't think I could stand the constant smiling, fake laughing, and being interested in something I don't care to talk about. I didn't like it before, even if I got paid to act a certain way. I certainly was happier away from the crowd, or the constant threat of fainting because I'm so disgusted with myself.



I feel as if every wall is going to crash on me, but my dreams tell me different. I've been dreaming of a job, I get it this month, and I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that it'll happen soon. I won't have to live in this house, and I won't have to wait for my parent's approval.



'I'm out of my mind, please leave a message.'