The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

I know I have been doing alot of poetry lately, but I wanted to write something down about me. Today, I broke down, and I looked at all the pain that I harbor inside. I realize that on the inside, I feel like shit, and I'm always in pain, it's just I've learned to swallow it.



There are a million bleeding little scars, that I haven't even attempted to heal, and I'm frightened. So, frightened of losing Arthur. I don't know why, maybe it's the fact that he gives me attention. Maybe it's because I think he cares. He puts up with me, and I'm terrified of him leaving.



I have no right to feel the way I do. I still have scars from middle school, that I haven't attempted to look at. Arthur doesn't know it, but I did love someone, or atleast puppy love back in middle school. It drove me to do things I thought I'd never do. The guy I did love was James Lunga. I had "loved" him for about 5 years, and when I finally got the guts to ask him to be with me. He rejected me.



I was angry, confused, and hurt, so I wrote him a terrible email. I don't know where my head was at, but it certainly wasn't with me. I made it look like someone else had written it. I didn't let them take the fall for it though.



Not only that I had two of my best friends, back stab me. I found out that Jesse, a guy I had trusted. Had been lying to me and spreading lies behind my back. He caused the rumor that I was lesbain, and he also said a bunch of other nasty things. I didn't get him back for it. I wanted revenge, by god you better think so. I didn't do anything though.



Then there was Chalise, wonderful stupid slut Chalise. She and I had been tied to the hip for sometime. She had been assisting Jesse, because she was jealous of me. She used me to get what she wanted, and she wanted money. I had money because my mother paid me, and I spent it on her. Wonderful to have it dumped on me.



I never got revenge on either Jesse or Chalise, I don't want to get revenge on them. I'm still trying to figure out why I hurt still from it. Then there is my father, he hasn't been there most of my life, sure there are instants where he has stood up for me. But, he has hurt me most of all.



He didn't care about me at all. In elementary, my daddy sat on the coach and ate. He never came up from upstairs unless it was dinner time or time to go to bed. My mother was working 6 days a week. My sister took care of me, and he always forgot to pick up from basketball partice. So, she had to walk home, and when she got there she would ask our Father where I was. He never knew!



He called me stupid so many times, that I can't make sense as to why he's done it. He left me alone with my mother for 3 years! And when I lived with him, all he did was cook, and sit in the easy boy. I had to clean, I had to become strong. But, what I realized today, is I am not that strong. I am just weak. I bottle so much up, and I don't know how to let it all go.



I hurt myself more than other people hurt me. I stab at myself, and I tell myself I'm nothing. I hurt on the inside, and I smile through it. I want Arthur to understand, I want him to know, that I am trying to get better. I'm not going to always be able to open up.



Sometimes I just don't know what to do with myself. I think I'm finally ready to grow up, so here we go. I'm going to try to trust him, fully. It's just going to take sometime, my scars are still hurting me. And I've been hurting myself, because I hurt other people. I make them angry, and I hurt myself. I think I deserve it.