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I am not a store bought model, lingering in make up. I am not a woman, that doesn't know her worth. I am not someone that can be defined by one word, but by many. I am not easy to break, and I am not easy to understand all the time. I am beautiful though, to the endless pains of what it means to be beautiful. Most people that glance at me won't see it, I am not a stick figure I have curves. I have an opinion, I have a heart and I have my own way of believing.



I have never tried to pull someone down on purpose, I don't really take a hand in revenge. Although there are many times that I wish I was good at it. I have had people use me for things that they never needed in the first place, and I have had people want to be my best friend. I have enemies and I make them way easier than most.



What's the reason? because I am beautiful, intelligent and different from a lot of people. I am a crowd pleaser, that can make anyone jealous. I have been picked over others, and I have been dumped because of others. Yet, I am proud, strong, and able to carry what I need to carry to keep going.



I am an artist to the blood and made out of things long forgotten in humanities eyes. I was destined to make something of myself and the legend is still being written. One day, maybe some time soon people will read me and know that I am a realization of the complete truth.

My mind has been thinking way more positive than my normal positive. I tend to like it this way, but old wounds like to flame up in unexpected ways. I mean this Journal itself cost me a piece of me that I haven't even begun to unwrap, but it's mine. I was thinking about things in the past and it won't just die. I rarely think about my ex Travis, because to tell you the truth he barely left a mark.



I am still angry for the things he did, but I have come to understand that no matter what; I will always be a better person compared to him. He doesn't have much to offer, in neither brains or humanity. He'll just exist until he pisses off the wrong person or uses someone that is so mentally unstable that they kill him. He's tried so many times to kill himself already, it may take another person crazy enough to do him in. Sad, but very much true.



I am bothered by things that happened with my ex Arthur, he seems to of moved on and yet when I feel like he has he starts rousing up and making me think of him. He was a big part of my life for three years and I have come a long way from who I was to who I am now. I don't know if I am any better because of it, but I have learned from his mistakes. He likes to put himself as the victim of our relationship, when he was very much the reason we fell apart. I don't do things to another person just because I am a mean person, I do things because they started it.



I don't know why I can't just accept that, maybe it's because I feel like he owes me something? I don't really want anything from him anyways, not anything he'd be willing to give. Maybe it's my vengeful side that wants to have his heart and crush it each time he comes for me because I know i've got someone better. Yet, maybe I should just put this out here. He'll never be as happy with anyone as he was with me. Because I was his first love, Lisa was Lust.



I was his equal more than he'll ever understand, and I know that he is cursed to have a failed relationship after another because he can't emotionally put himself out there. Scared little boys end up like that unfortunately.



Then there's Missy. I wasted 10 years on her, and here I am bitter to the bone. I am not angry, just bitter. She ditched me for Arthur and I feel like she did worse than I could ever do in my friends, no matter if they're broken now. I actually give a damn about another person's thoughts and feelings. I don't put myself before them, and because of that she has such a small friend base, not to say that it's bad to have a small friend base. I am just merely pointing out that she has more enemies than I could accumulate in a century.



I guess maybe I am just having issues with being so happy now, because I am so used to being unhappy. I should know it's okay, and it's okay to want to Marry the guy I'm with. Robert is amazing, and he could beat everyone I listed above hands down. It's okay for me to want to have his baby, that may or not be growing inside me now. It's okay to feel bitter toward the people that have caused me some pain, but it's also okay to allow them to be people. It is also okay to allow them to have happiness, because even if I feel they should suffer doesn't mean they haven't. So, I this is my statement to myself. IT'S OKAY!

I will be here long after you're gone, because I was here long before you were here. You try to hurt me, but your words mean nothing. You're doomed to never become what you thought you'd be. Number one is the loneliest number right? Even if you do it, it'll only leave you empty like you are. MyArmyLife....