The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching,



so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.





Two cowboys applied for the job.



One was gay and the other a drunk.



She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy,



figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.



He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.







Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand,



'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great.



You should go into town And kick up your heels.'





The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.







One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.







Two o'clock and no hired hand.





Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room,



he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.







She quietly called him over to her.



'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.







Trembling, he did as she directed.





'Now take off my boots.'







He did as she asked, ever so slowly.







'Now take off my socks.'







He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.







'Now take off my skirt.'







He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.







'Now take off my bra.'





Again, withtrembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.





Then she looked at him and said,



'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

COMMENTS

-

---

SeleneTremere
18:06 Mar 13 2009

I hadn't ready this one for a while...it's still too funny!

---

HAWK2K
23:10 Mar 13 2009

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA



:: struggles to breathe ::



HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA



:'D

---

POST COMMENT

Marriage (Part I )



Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and



after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:



'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time



I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.



I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless



I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.



I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing



when I want with my old buddies, and don't you



give me a hard time about it.



Those are my rules. Any comments?'



His new bride said:



'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex



here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not.'



(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)



************************************************



Marriage (Part II)





Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!



The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone



that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'







'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone



that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'



(HE ASKED FOR IT!)





*****************************************



Marriage (Part III)





Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.



Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no



good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.



After some time he realizes he was nasty and



decides to make amends and rings her up.



She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband



says, 'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'





She says, 'I was in bed.'



'In bed this early, doing what?'



'Getting a second opinion!'



(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)



*****************************************



Marriage (Part IV)





A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.



He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his



wife,' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.



One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home



and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts



at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?'



His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,



shouts right back, 'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.'



(RIGHT ON, LADY!)



*****************************************



THE SILENT TREATMENT



A man and his wife were having some problems at home



and were giving each other the silent treatment.



Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife



to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.



Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece



of paper,'Please wake me at 5:00 AM .' He left it where he knew she would find it.



The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it



was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.



Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he



noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM . Wake up.'



Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.



*****************************************



God may have created man before woman, but there



is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.





************** ***************************

COMMENTS

-

---

RazaelRiezen
19:12 Mar 03 2009

OMFG that was brilliant

---

POST COMMENT

On a flight getting ready to depart for Detroit...



Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear. "What's the matter?" Jack asked.



"I've been transferred to Detroit, there's crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate."



Jack replied, "I've lived in Detroit all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."



The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"



"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

Brand new edition of...

'You know you're a redneck when......

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has 'ammo' on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say 'Cool Whip' on the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

COMMENTS

-

---

HAWK2K
20:41 Mar 01 2009

31. if you go to the family reunion to meet women.

32. if your family tree does not fork.

---

POST COMMENT

I was the white guy with the black Columbia jacket that you demanded I hand over shortly



after you pulled the knife on me and my wife. You also asked for my wife's purse



and earrings. I hope you somehow come across this message. I'd like to apologize.





I didn't expect you to crap your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.



Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, and it wasn't that cold



outside. You see, my wife had just bought me that Kimber 1911 .45 ACP pistol for



Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful



pistol, eh? It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it?





I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you'd come



from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse



since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cellphone, and wallet with me. I couldn't



have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again. I took the



liberty of calling your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and



explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself some gas on your card. I gave your



shoes to one of the home less guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all of the cash



in your wallet, then I threw the wallet itself in a dumpster.





I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell. and made a couple of threatning calls to the D.A.'S office, I'm sure they will be in touch with you.They'll be on your bill in case



you'd like to know which ones. Alltel recently shut down the line, and I've only had the



phone for a little over a day now, so I don't know what's going on with that. I hope they



haven't permanently cut off your service. Oh well.





So, about your pants. I know that I was a little rough on you when you did this whole



attempted mugging thing, so I'd like to make it up to you. I'm sure you've already



washed your pants, so I'd like to help you out. I'd like to reimburse you for the detergent



you used on the pants. What brand did you use, and was it liquid or powder? I'd also like



to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I'm



hoping that you'll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so



lucky. If you read this message, email me and we'll do lunch and laundry. Peace!