The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

3 envelopes
03:20 Feb 24 2009
Times Read: 684

A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve."



Three months down the track there is a major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook.



About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.



Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes".

fireman sex
19:36 Feb 20 2009
Times Read: 693

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, 'You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,

BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.







'From now on when I say BELL 1

I want you to strip naked.

When I say BELL 2

I want you to jump in bed.

And when I say BELL 3

we are going to make love all night.

The next night he came home from work and yelled

'BELL 1!' The wife promptly took all her clothes off.





When he yelled 'BELL 2!', the wife jumped into bed.

When he yelled 'BELL 3!', they began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled 'BELL 4!'

'What the hell is BELL 4?' asked the husband?





'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,' she replied '

YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.'

The Black Bra
21:37 Feb 10 2009
Times Read: 698

The Black Bra



I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years.









We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went.









My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you." Then we made love all night long.















The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.















Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Batman?"















I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

NASCAR NEWSFLASH
21:11 Feb 04 2009
Times Read: 707












For all you NASCAR fans out there.













NASCAR NEWS -

Jeff Gordon fires entire pit crew



This announcement followed Gordon's decision

to take advantage of the government's scheme to employ

Harlem youngsters.



The decision to hire them was brought about by a

recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team as most races are won or lost in the pits. However-Gordon got more than he bargained for!



At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced c rew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the

paint scheme, altered the Vin number, and sold the car to

Dale Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.

the brothel
20:39 Feb 04 2009
Times Read: 711

The madam opened the brothel door in Las

Vegas and saw a rather dignified, good-looking

man in his late sixties or early seventies.



'May I help you sir?' she asked.



'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.



'Sir, Valerie is one of our most

expensive ladies. Perhaps you

would prefer someone else', said the madam.



'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.



Just then, Valerie appeared and announced

to the man that she charged $5000 a visit. Without

hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars

and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an

hour, the man calmly left.





The next night, the man appeared again, once more

demanding tosee Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had

ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive,

and there were no discounts. The price was still $5000.



Again, the man pulled out the money,gave it to Valerie, and

they

went pstairs. After an hour, he left.



The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone

was

astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night,

but he paid

Valerie and they went upstairs.



After their session, Valerie said to the

man, 'No one has ever been with me

three nights in a row. Where are you

from?'.



The man replied, St. Louis, Missouri.

'Really', she said. 'I have

family in St. Louis.'



'I know.' the man said. 'Your

sister died, and I am her attorney.

She asked me to give you your $15,000

inheritance.'



The moral of the story is that thre



things in life are certan

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer

the eagle
19:43 Feb 03 2009
Times Read: 717

Well, one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years. After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot dead!







Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate, but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier. So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest.







The sex was good but all the dove would say is ...



'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'







Well, this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate. He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest.







Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is.......



'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!'



So out with the loon.







Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest.







This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.....











(scroll down)

























NO, The duck didn't say THAT

















... Don't be SO disgusting. !







The duck said....











'I am a DRAKE,



You made a MISTAKE !!!!!!!!!!