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If I felt nothing would this make anything better?

I am nothing,

I wish I knew how to say good-bye,

Then I would forever,

I will pass on and be forgotten,

Nobody will talk about the 15 year old who blew her brains out,

Nobody will remember who she was,

And what she did,

I miss who I was,

Maybe I’ll find myself by doing this,

I’ll be so happy when this is over,

I’ll go back and watch myself grow up,

All my mistakes,

I feel the world melt away,

And for a short moment I feel nothing,

Nothing,

This could be considered a new feeling,

I look down and see the pieces of me,

Shattered,

Should I piece myself back together?

There’s blood everywhere,

And no ones showed up yet to clean the mess,

Maybe they won’t,

Maybe my blood will stain these floors and walls forever,

Then I will never be forgotten,

Everyone will come see,

I touch my blank face,

And whisper finally,

She looks so happy,

I pick myself up and sit on the floor hugging my once body,

I part my hair,

Whispering words to my lifeless self,

Telling it how good it feels to be completely numb,

Then a snap,

I’m consumed by pain,

I’m not holding myself,

Yet I am still in the same room,

I look down to see my body,

And the pool of blood that is still coming out of my wound,

I cry damn,

Before losing conscience,

I will not die tonight,

And everything goes black

I’ll lock myself away,

Lock myself away in this bathroom,

The only place that I am safe,

I feel so childish,

Hiding from my problems,

But then I think about it,

I’m not hiding from them I’m hiding from you,

I don’t want anyone else to see what you’ve done to me,

I’m so ashamed,

I’m so dirty,

Lock the bathroom door,

Turn on the shower,

And sit in it for hours,

I’m still just as dirty before,

I still feel your hands all over my skin,

Touching me,

People banging on the door,

Asking me to get out,

Finally I do,

Sitting up in my room,

Darkness falls,

Too hurt to turn on a light,

The door creaks,

My body tightens,

I know its you,

I wish I could kid myself and say it wasn’t,

The door shuts again,

I hear the lock on the door snap loudly,

Everyone else sleeps while you plot away,

Thinking of everything you want,

Tonight,

Every night,

It doesn’t feel like an end will ever come to this,

I pretend to sleep,

Doesn’t work,

Hand covering my mouth,

Like I would even have the voice to scream,

Your cold eyes and hands all over me,

Crying never helped but I can’t stop now,

I’ve given up on struggling,

It never did any good,

I become the used again,

I become the object of lust again,

You’re finished,

Lifting your hand to kiss my lips,

Before telling me how great I was,

You get up to leave,

Leaving me there,

To cry and hate myself all over again,

You shut the door and the walls collapse in on me once more,

I am nothing,

And I never will be anything

Too long I’ve pretending this will go away,

Too long I’ve thought these memories are nothing,

Too long I’ve let you mistreat me and use me,

Not any longer,

Do you see the anger in my eyes that is steadily growing?

I was put in a place that I couldn’t control,

And you used that to your advantage,

What do you see in me?

That made me such an object of want,

I doubt that everyone will just play this off as a bet,

Everyone will know what you did to me,

Everyone will see how you touched me,

We’ll all be under a microscope,

When you look at me now,

Don’t you see a splitting image of who you used to be?

Just because you can bind my hands doesn’t me you can bind my will,

I’m not alive when you touch me,

Don’t you know that?

I shut myself down,

I let go of everything you do,

And think of nothing but cutting your damned throat,

Just because you’re done,

Doesn’t mean I’m done with you,

I hate the names you call me,

I bet you think I’m pretty when I’m vulnerable,

Don’t you?

That’s why this started,

I’ve become someone I really don’t want to be,

I feel your eyes on me at all times,

I can be safe from your touch when I run,

But I can’t run forever,

I begin to forget and then you push my face right back into it,

Hands bound,

Mouth gagged,

I wish I could just pretend this all never happened,

You let me wonder home when you’re done,

Leaving me to cry in the bushes,

Touching my bruised skin,

Cleaning the blood off of me,

And finally to walk up those steps,

Back to my home,

To smile and act as if nothing ever happened

Is there hope in sight?

Or am I just following blindly?

Bound by these chains that encompass my soul,

The way you treat me shouldn’t be excused by your childhood,

You had no right,

You still don’t,

Your words cut me like daggers,

You have no soul,

And you pretend to know everything about me,

When you know nothing of who I am,

Or what you’ve done to me,

You’ve used me as your doll too long,

I’m numb to your touch now,

Not even your worse words,

Leave a scar on my heart,

You are nobody just like me,

You laugh it off and pretend like you have some hold on me,

All you have is a simple bind,

That I will eventually break,

I’ll leave you forever,

Never give you the chance to put me back into this situation,

I’m not your toy anymore,

You can’t force me to do anything else,

You’re being watched now,

You always were,

Every little thing you did to me,

Is being judged,

Yes we were alone,

But how long did you think you could get away with it?

Now all these circumstances are falling down on you,

Separating us,

It’s about time,

This will not be a welcomed reuniting,

This is just a homecoming,

Like it even matters,

I have a place of my own now,

I can hid from you,

I know your every little secret now,

There is no want in your actions,

I’m just as strong as you now,

And everyone can see the lust in your eyes,

That isn’t shared by mine.

I feel goose bumps all over my body,

Everything feels so cold now,

So unconnected to myself,

I’m so ready just to fade away,

And tonight it feels like I could,

I just feel like death,

I wish I could find some comfort in this seemingly death zone,

Some comfort in your words in actions,

I feel numb,

Yet so very aware of my situation,

And this steady flow of tears,

Something had to of set me off again,

I feel used and dirty again,

The memories of you are nothing but torment,

Your shadows lurking over me again,

I wish you would leave me alone long enough to heal,

Heal these scars, these wounds, these scabs,

Nothing heals them,

I need some serious change,

I’m tired of hiding,

I’m slipping away again,

I choose along time ago,

Not to end this,

But now,

Things are different,

You’re different,

Everything’s changed,

Everything except me,

I’m not in the least bit different,

I’m so easily manipulated by you,

Can’t I choose again?

Without your shadow lurking around me,

Taunting me,

Making it impossible to make the right decision,

Maybe there isn’t a correct solution,

Maybe this is just another situation that you’ve brought about,

Just to watch me fail horribly again,

To make me believe I need you to guide me,

No,

Not tonight,

I refuse for this to happen again,

You need to leave now,

I need to become whole again,

And with you gone I finally have some clarity,

And I slowly feel these changes coming over me

There so many things I don’t share with anyone,

So many secrets and so many lies,

I wish I could trust everyone,

But it always seems like there’s a barrier between me and the real world,

I wish there was a simple cure,

I don’t push you away because I don’t love you,

I push you away because I don’t want you to see me,

And what I’ve become,

When my tears fall,

It’s not like I am pushing you away again,

It’s just something I need to do,

I wish I could accept your help,

I need to stop faking and stop these smiles,

Its not who I am,

Contrary to popular belief,

I don’t know how I turned out this way,

I wish I could break this silly habit,

Take my hands in yours and give me some clarity,

Tears fall freely and unexpectedly,

Do you have those moments when everything seems fine,

And then all of a sudden,

Sanity’s gone,

And you can’t stop crying,

I wish I wasn’t so confused,

You ask me how I am today,

I smile and say fine,

Can’t you see just how much I’m lying?

It would be so simple if you could just look me in the eyes,

I’m tired of not having any options,

I’m tired of screaming,

I wish for once I could actually say how I feel,

Instead of hiding myself,

I’ve just been hurt too much,

I wish you would just stop thinking I’m fine,

I’ll sink into the tub and take a few more pills,

While you take some more of my blood,

I wish it wouldn’t always have to come to this for me to finally get some help,

There has to be a resolution to this,

Make everything clear to me,

And have me stop all this faking,

I’m so tired of being someone I’m not,

And telling people things that aren’t true,

I can’t hide from myself anymore.

I feel so nauseas,

I really wish everything would go back to the way it was before,

I’m so tired of how this is going,

You know I love you,

Yet you play dumb,

Or you just ignore me,

Do you have any fucking idea how much I love you?

How much clearer do I have to be?

I really wish you’d just pick up that damned phone and call me sometime,

I’m tired of seeing all those girl’s messages all over the place,

Saying how cute you are and how much they love you,

I really wish you’d just love me like you used to,

I don’t think I ever really moved on,

I wish that I could just hear your voice one more time,

And if you don’t have plans for me,

Can’t you just tell me?

So I stop being so hung up on you,

I’m tired of breaking my heart every night over you,

Just call me and let’s get this over,

I wish you would tell me the truth,

I wish I would know when you really want me,

Or if you hate me now,

I’m so sorry about how things turned out,

Can’t we just start over so I can move on?

I still think of all those things you said,

They don’t stop flying around my head,

Everything you said makes me weak,

I just want to go get drunk and forget you,

Just like you used to do with me,

Can’t we just be madly in love like we used to,

When was the last time I actually talked to you?

I love the way you said my name,

I love the way you talked to me,

But I hate the way you treat me sometimes,

I wish you had time for the little old creature again

Something's wrong here,

I can't do this medicated sleep anymore,

I'm tired of all these examinations,

That led nowhere,

I'm tired of being poked and prodded,

I'm tired of being this little genie pig,

I'm tired of sleeping away the pain,

I'm tired of this cocktail of pills,

I'm tired of what the damned doctors say,

I need help,

How many times must I admit it before I get it?

I wish everything could be easier,

But it fucking can’t be,

I've seen enough things,

And her enough voices to be deemed,

Unstable,

Memories are all I have,

Most I wish would just go away,

But of course they can’t.

Is there a pill I could take to make me "better"?

It seems I've taken everything,

I'm tired of the advice,

And your stupid promises of metal health,

And being happy,

If that was possible,

Wouldn't I have found it already?

I'm tired of these spiders in my closet,

I'm tired of having to pull these skeletons out for everyone to see,

I'm tired of proving myself wrong in front of you all,

And finally I'm tired of being me,

And not being what I was expected and supposed to be.

I feel so silly for this all,

I've been so childish,

I've been so detached,

I feel everything drain,

Fights,

Arguments,

Silly battles,

Here I am taking a cheaters way out again,

I need to find some cure,

That doesn't involve pills,

I need to find some new love interest,

I need to start feeling something other then pain,

Where's my happiness?

It was here just a few months ago,

Why'd you have to be so shellfish and take it all away?

Why'd I have to believe every little lie?

And get so tangled in your fingers,

I'm just a little puppet for you to pull out every time you're lonely,

I'm a child,

And you just took advantage of an already messed up person,

I was broken,

And you just made it worse,

Couldn't you have just told me the truth?

Why tell me all these silly lies,

That we both know are just a bunch of bullshit,

I loved you to death,

And it still shows,

I've given up hope on being happy,

And every chance that's presented itself I have just shunned and pushed away,

I can't take that fact that I gave gave and gave,

And all you did was take,

Till you left me with nothing,

And now I will stay that way,

I'll detach myself from these puppet strings,

You won’t me my captor anymore,

And I'll hide off in that abyss,

Try to find myself again,

Maybe I could love again,

But not now,

Or anytime soon,

Someone help me find myself,

And my path on this seemingly darkness trail.

Am I as messed up as everyone say?

Why do I just keep crying?

I was just fine about 3 months ago,

Then everything just went to hell,

And I went just along with it,

Everyday is a struggle just getting up,

Putting on my clothes and make up,

That fake ass smile follows me everywhere,

I wish I could just smash it into pieces,

Show who I really am,

Without people telling me I need help,

Fuck I know that,

I know that more then all of you do,

And if there was a way to find it,

Wouldn’t I have by now?

Why isn’t there a simple solution to this seemingly controlled problem?

I just wish things could be easier,

I’ve been strong for so long and I don’t think I can deal with much more,

Was doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,

Aint that a crock of bullshit,

I’m so sick of this,

Some people get screwed in life,

But I’ve really had enough of this,

I’m just so tired of everything going wrong,

So tired of all the fighting,

And so goddamned tried of being the only one that cries,

I’m trying so fucking hard,

And I can’t do this anymore,

I can’t deal with this.

I’m so worn out and so tired,

All I wanna do is be sane,

Be normal,

Be happy,

And end all of this pain

Thought I’d learned all my lessons,

Thought I knew everything,

Till I met you,

Found this new form of heartbreak,

I thought I was the one, who did all the heartbreaking,

Everything flies at me a million miles per second,

All the lies all the hate all the contempt,

Thought I’d learned my lesson about you,

Thought I knew everything little thing there was to know,

I thought I was the smarter one here,

And I would so easily avoid this heartbreak,

But goddamn,

Could anyone be anymore wrong?

Is there a class I could take?

Figure out how to start again?

I’m still bound by these ties,

That is invisible to everyone else,

I wish I could disappear,

Or I could forget you,

The way you smile,

The way you broke my heart,

I wish I could fade away,

And be just as invisible as you make me feel,

I was supposed to rise above this rubble,

And become a goddess,

Find a new man and be ungodly happy,

I’ve had my chances,

But for some reason I can’t take them,

So I stay down in this rubble,

Being the ugly broken piece of shit,

I was meant to be,

How can I ever be whole when you took more then half of me with you?

I wish I was beautiful,

I wish I was a goddess,

I wish I wasn’t heart broken,

I wish I couldn’t feel,

I wish I was perfect,

Then maybe you’d love me again

I'm jealous of your new found love,

If that isn't clear,

I'm competing for your love,

And ending up empty handed,

She's your world,

And I'm just your whore,

With the pretty little face,

Down the rabbit hole again,

I see you with her,

It just makes me sick,

And wish nothing more then that I could just not feel,

Tell me why you can't see you're killing me?

Isn't there a reason beneath these lies?

Tell me the truth,

Why is she so much better then me,

And you felt the need to lie all those months?

Maybe all those years?

Can’t I just be silenced again?

Is it too late for me to start over again?

Yes,

Why can't you learn how to take some of this blame?

Instead of leaving me with this crown of shit,

That I seem to be wearing all the time,

Fuck baby,

I wish I could make you choose,

You'll be a pretty little rock star in a few years,

Sing all those songs about me,

Watch what I become,

Nothing that wasn't already set in stone,

A silly little whore,

That you can use whenever you’re lonely,

And I'm lucky

I'll burn your photos in the sink,

Just along with the notes,

And the poems,

Is this part of me regaining everything I've lost?

I have a tan line from your promise ring,

I heard you fucked her,

I'll stop coming back to you,

... After awhile,

I said a long time ago,

I can't say no to you,

And look how true this is becoming,

I'll always be on your sidelines,

I wish I didn't have to grow up,

Knowing that there's nothing better in life,

Then this fucking usefulness,

I need some faith bestowed back into me,

I wish I was still innocent,

When was the last time I could say I actually was?

I don't need you,

Do I?

Why can't I just move on?

And stop nursing this broken heart,

I wish there was a little pill I could take,

Make this all go away,

Maybe I wouldn't be such a confused 15 year old then,

Nights like this just make me wonder...

Would I go to Heaven?

If I just dropped dead,

Or would I go to Hell,

Is this normal?

Or is it just time to take another pill to silence these thoughts?

No I can't love you darling,

So stop asking,

Yeah yeah yeah,

Feed me that bullshit about not breaking my heart,

Every man says that,

And look where I am,

Broken fucking hearted,

Where were you when I needed you?

I need a break,

Or something to make me feel better,

Can't we just stop this silly show?

We both know I'm nothing you aint already had before,

And we both know,

I'm not as pretty and as dear as you say,

I'm just a used piece of shit,

Wait,

Can other people see that?

Damn...

Maybe I am that readable,

Look into the mirror,

What do I see?

Just a broken little girl,

My childhood wrecked,

Tears are just something normal now,

I need a beer,

Or some pills to make this vision of myself go away,

I see things too clearly when I'm sober,

Nothing's gone as planned,

Look at me,

Momma said herself I wasn't,

I was never supposed to have happened,

Somebody take this pill bottle away before I feel the need to swallow it whole.

I wish I could just forget this memory of you,

You were never good to me,

Yet you were somehow the best thing I'd ever had,

All I did was love you,

And somehow I was the one that got fucked in this,

I wish I could take your gun and shove it down my fucking throat,

Click click BOOM,

You were my everything,

And nothing at the same time,

All I want is a sorry for the way you were,

Maybe then I'm move on,

And stop loving your ghost,

All the time wasted,

Marriage,

The lies,

Everything just rips me apart,

Tear me down one more time baby,

I'm begging you,

I'll become stronger from this I know,

I just wish I could find someone,

Who wouldn't break my heart into a million little pieces,

And would treat me right,

My momma was right,

You're a no good piece of shit,

And guess what,

I still fucking love your ass,

Even though I hate you at the same time,

What am I supposed to do?

I wish you would just die,

And then all that would be left to fall,

Would be tears,

Maybe then I could wipe away all the shame,

And pick these pieces back up,

Put them together,

Misshapen,

But maybe then I'll love again.

If we hide forever,

How will anyone else find us?

How could I find myself again?

I can't seem to find myself in your eyes anymore,

I wish you weren't so cold all the time,

If I'd beg you not to hide,

Would you come out of your shell?

God I'm so sorry,

I tried,

I wish we could start over,

Hearing you say you love me,

Is just like a bullet straight to my heart,

Why am I so cold to you?

I wish I could be more open but it just doesn't seem like I can...

I want to share everything with you,

It's just like I can't,

I need to stop shutting down,

And making these damned excuses,

I never meant to be this way,

It just happens sometimes,

I was hurt too much,

And this is the product,

I wish you could just look into my eyes,

And see all the words I wish I could tell you,

I wish you wouldn't have seen everything bad in me,

I never wanted you to see me break down that day,

Sometimes tears are cleansing,

Shit honey who are we kidding?

We’re both too numb for each other,

And we need to do some serious searching,

I need to find myself in this rubble,

And we need to stop pretending that we’re stable,

It seems that one things for sure,

I'm too broken for you,

And we can't find the glue