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Well last night I made Sire! Yes yes its great isn't it? By far one of the happiest moments on the Rave. But this was followed by one of the worst. This morning I logged on... and guess what? I lost over a 100 posts last night, in less then 6 hours, and dropped back down to 93% of level 27. I could have cried. It was so depressing. And to top it off, I'd already had everyone congratulate me and all that stuff. And NFA made a thread for me. So it was like wtf, great... this was the last thing I needed or wanted! But I just came home and got all my forum posts back. And I just hit the status update button.



Here we go:



Your Status: Sire (Level 28)



You have completed 100% of this level.





Pages Viewed Score: 26 x .30 = 7.8

Time Spent Score: 26 x .50 = 13

Ratings Score: 28 x .10 = 2.8

Posts Score: 31 x .10 = 3.1

Score: 26.7

Referral Points: 0

Referral Modifier: 1

Mark Bonus: 5%

Mark Modifier: 1.05

Total Score: 26.7





Ratings Score: 28 ( 8978 of 11145 or 80.56% )









I have a feeling I will be fighting back and forth for this damned title. *Sigh* Oh well. *Pounces off to the forum*

Well for all of you who have been following me threw this bout of mental illness; know that today I started my day treatment program. It runs from 8:00 till 2:45 so that's a lot of treatment for one day.



All I really have to say is... it fucking sucked! The whole time I just wanted to cry and curl up in a ball. I only met one person that I really clicked with. I hope I can make some friends and feel more comfortable. Because if I have another day like today I don't think I can do it.

I've come to the realization that my older brother Keith is by far one of the best people I will ever know in my whole existence. He's been there for me since I was the littlest shit. And he continues to be there for me and keep me from hurting myself. I owe him so very much and words can’t describe just how much I really appreciate him. He's trying so hard to help me, I can’t help but smile. I love my brother to death. And wish horribly that he could live up here so we could have our talks in the morning that end up lasting all day like we used to. I know I don't show my appreciation all that much but he means the world to me. And I don’t know what I'd do if I lost him.

Well today was going alright till I started talking to my brother, and he handed the phone to my dad. Every time we talk it’s always about how much he wants me to come home. Basically all just guilt tripping me, because I choose my mom "over" him. I'd really like to come home but I can't. There are so many downsides to both places. I'm really stuck in the middle right now; I don't know what to do. I'm thinking if I can get on Homebound in Kenosha, I'll go home. And stay there for like 2 months while my mom gets her shit together up here. But still I'm not all that sure. I'm so confused on what I should do and what's best for my health. Right now I'm worried if I left my mom what she'd do to herself. If she killed herself I could never forgive myself. But at the same time, I need to live my own life and get better. But there so many options. And I don't know what to do! Someone give me some clarity please before I blow my brains out.



So the simple question is... Go home? Or stay in the city and wait things out? Mom or Dad? Run away or be patient? Fuck... I don’t know.

Well here it is. And what have I accomplished? Absolutely nothing. I'm really sick, and I've been sick all day. It's not just the whole stomach pain, aches and stuff; it's full on depression, like it slapped me in the face today or something. I just laid on the couch all day watching movies. I think I got up maybe once. I'm pathetic. This really needs to stop. I just feel as if I don't have a reason to wake up every morning. Like what's the point? Who's going to care? So I don't, and I don’t leave the house, and I continue to do nothing with my life.



I'm so worried about school and making something of myself. Everyone says I have so much talent, I'm so beautiful, and I’m so kind. But I'm not, I'm just a stupid ugly fucking bitch. I just can't get pass the fact that I will end up like my dad said I will, I'll be some 16 year old mother living in a trailer or something. It scares the shit out of me. And I know I'm fucking up my life right now, but it just seems like I can't do anything to fix it or help it. Like I'm immobilized or something.



Well my buddie called me up at about 10 tonight, and we started talking about how I've been doing and how sick I've been, and how weak my immune system is. Then he continued to say well, what if it's cancer, or something? I flipped; it's all I've been thinking about lately. Like what if I have cervical cancer and can never have kids. It's my top priority in life, and I'm just so scared, and worried. What if there is something really wrong with me? What if the doctors just haven't found it yet? I'm so scared. But maybe this is all OCD or something. I don't know. I just need to find out what's wrong and get some help. I'm so goddamn lonely; it feels like I'm dying.



And all I can say is something really has to give here soon, because I don't think I can take much more.

I slept the whole day just in case of the old suspicion. I slept until 9:30 PM. But I was awake a few other times. At about 5 o'clockish I had a flashback that lasted about an hour. It was awful, my whole body was in pain, and I couldn't stop crying. I thought I was dieing. It's never been this bad before.



For most of it I had no clue where I was, and then I was locked in a room that looked a lot like my old basement, on an old mildewed and bloody bed. I was scrapping off my skin, and parts of my upper thighs with a piece of metal. And then he came into the room, I started screaming but when I opened my mouth nothing but butterflies came out. The man raped me, and once he was done he left. I looked down and I remembered where the blood had come from, it was coming out from between my legs. I also noticed that my arms were chained, I hadn't noticed this before. I started crying hysterically, and then the room collapsed. There was nothing but darkness for awhile, and then I woke up shaking in my bed.



I don't know how to make these flashbacks stop. They are really starting to destroy me. I've tried medicine and I've tried talking about it. It doesn't help. I've had so many of them; it's starting to feel normal. I've started lying to people telling them they've stopped because the last one I had I went into shock. Is this normal? Does everyone who's been raped have these? I need some answers, but I don't know who to ask or how to find out.

What drove me to taking all those pills last night was simply I was reliving my life. I remembered everything that'd happened. All the bad things all the good things. I remember losing Al, I remembered being raped, I remembered going to the other side. It was like a higher power wanted me to do it. So I did. All the memories disappeared and I was normal me again. Zanax: the miracle drug.

I'm sorry that I've been so detached lately and not responding. I've been really messed up lately and really lost. I just needed a few days of break. I've changed again. I broke my promise to quite a few people. I did it again; I took too many pills last night. I didn't end up in the hospital, but I just needed the release, I'm so sorry Rik. I feel like such a failure. But it feels so good when you're off in that world and you don't have to think about anything. You don't remember your problems; you don't remember anything except how to breathe. It's like your body goes numb. I needed it. But I'm still sorry that it had to come to that. If any of you guys are reading this, I really am sorry.

I'm way more creative, and I write way more poems, when I'm depressed or heartbroken.



So I guess that's a good thing, right?

I'm so sick of this crap. I wish I could stop loving him but something’s in the way. Everyone else says they'll treat me better, but for some reason I just can’t move on without him. I miss him so terribly; it’s like this heartbreak all over again. It just makes me want to end all of this. I'm so tired of being lonely, yet I can’t stop myself from chasing your ghost around. How long till I get over what you did to me, and all these damned feelings? I wish I could just disappear or have my memory wiped. This is starting to get ridiculous. I need a break or some new love interest to stop this bullshit.

Well last night was Home Coming... and guess who didn't go. I was supposed to go with Joey. And after our break up I never really looked for a date. I've been too sick to go anyways. Maybe it was a good thing I didn't go. It just hurt. I feel unneeded and unappreciated. I really need some loving right now, or a lover would be nice. But this just lengthens on the I hate your guts Joey.

Well I did it again, and all nighter, on the Rave.



But oh fucking well! It was killer.



And I finally got something done for a change.



Made some new photos for NFA and me. And they are killer. Gotta check her's out. So go over to her port.



I stayed up most the night talking with her and damn she's awesome.



I know your reading this. And so what I might be kissing ass but you seriously rock. You make me proud not to sleep!



And thanks for being the only one to read my journal.

Okay that's it! I've had it up to here; it's fucking obvious what you're doing. You are such a pussy footing mother fucker. And I hope you fucking rot in hell. There are much better ways to say fuck off, other then being a jackass and pretending like I don’t know! Goddamn you! AHHHHHHH!!!!!





Fuck... I don't hate you... but I do want to bang my head repeatedly into the wall now.





And I still need to work on my resolution.

Does anyone have that one song that makes them ball like a baby?



Well I found mine: Run by: Snow Patrol.



I heard it just now and for some reason it made me sad enough to cry. Yet... I love it... how weird is that?

Okay... calm... its way too late for me to still be up. I should have slept tonight, but instead I pulled another all nighter on the Rave. I should have slept! And now I'm thinking of you...



FUCK!



I need some rest, and I need some help figuring out what the hell I need to do with my life. I need some fucking direction. Goddamn... just everything's starting to drive me nuts. I can't even go internet surfing without thinking of your ass. Fucking grr... this aint a good way to leave off on.



So FUCK! again.





Damn... well looks like Miss. Potty mouth is back... *mutters* Damn resolutions.

Well I talked to Johnny tonight, and I miss him more then ever. I wish things had worked out differently with us. I was stupid to let all the silly things get in the way. And yes I still love you, if your reading this. I'm just way confused right now on what I should do or say anymore. I shouldn't be loving anyone right now, I promised myself.

Well I just one my 1,300 favor for my house, and now I'm actually up to 1,330 so go me! I just can't seem to get past my 72% of Necromancer so that's a little discouraging... but oh well. I just need 28% more and I will be SIRE! To think I've been on the site for a little over a year now, and all the great people I've met. My last three boyfriends... quite a few best friends, and last but not least Rik and Kendra.



Hey I haven't said a bad word yet tonight! Maybe my resolution’s working out. Damn my toe. Fucking ow!



Nevermind...

Well I just got back from the doctors, the specialist I was supposed to see. Instead of giving me insight on how to fix my stomach condition, he decided to center on my mental illness. Wowzers was that fun! I had to go threw my life story with a person I'd never met before, just to have him basically say, "Wow, you’re fucked up!" So I'm a little depressed at the moment. He gave me some medicine that will "help” (now how many times have I heard that fraise?) He also told me to see a professional. So... maybe I am as fucked up as I thought. To think he didn't even hear it all.

My mom just randomly asked me if I would like to go into foster care. Does that mean that she wants me to? And she might just not know how to tell me? My family's just driving me nuts. I haven't called my father in a month, because I don't want to hear it all over again. I'm shutting myself off to my mom and I just nod when she speaks to me. She constantly corrects me and demeans me in front of other people, and it makes me feel like a miniscule piece of shit. And then I remind her of what I said, and then she basically says oh yeah that's right I'm sorry. But sorry doesn't stop the fact that I can't show my face in front of the people, that you belittle me to.

It's 1:34 AM and I can't sleep. So I'm listening to Moby, and my favorite playlist. Twiddling my thumbs. Talking to Mike, my favorite pastime. But I seriously need sleep; I have to get up in 4 hours. I'm not looking forward to this morning. SLEEP!!!!!! I need to go to rehab again, this time for VR, and all its people. Hehe... I'm turning into a bigger dork as the night goes on. I need sleep, but it aint coming. I think I already said that. My songs need to download. I have my doctor's appointment tomorrow; maybe they will tell me what the fuck has been going on with me. I'll keep you updated. For all the people who are just stopping in here, please go to my poems, To Love Is To Hate section. If you're bored it might make you feel a little better. I think this is the most personal entries I've ever made in one night... and it feels real good. Everyone that has been reading these... love yah and go to effin sleep!

Well I love this song... yes it's a Fall Out Boy song, and yes I'm a dork. I fell in love with in when Joey dedicated it to me. Since I was in a relationship when we met and he was madly in love with me *pukes* Well my love for this song has lasted so very much longer then our's so I thought I'd give it a little place on one of my pages, so why not the journal?



Fall Out Boy's Grand Theft Autumn-



Where is your boy tonight? I hope he is a gentleman.

Maybe he won't find out what I know: you were the last good thing about this part of town.



When I wake up, I'm willing to take my chances on the hope I forget

that you hate him more than you notice I wrote this for you (for you, so...)



You need him. I could be him...

I could be an accident but I'm still trying.

That's more than I can say for him.



Where is your boy tonight? I hope he is a gentleman.

Maybe he won't find out what I know: you were the last good thing about this part of town.



Someday I'll appreciate in value, get off my ass and call you... {but for} the meantime I'll sport my

brand new fashion of waking up with pants on at 4:00 in the afternoon.



You need him. I could be him...

I could be an accident but I'm still trying.

That's more than I can say for him.



1-2-3-4!



Where is your boy tonight? I hope he is a gentleman.

Maybe he won't find out what I know: you were the last good thing about this part of town.



(won't find out) he won't find out

(won't find out) he won't find out



Where is your boy tonight? I hope he is a gentleman.

Maybe he won't find out what I know: you were the last good thing about this part of town.



Where is your boy tonight? I hope he is a gentleman. (he won't find out)

Maybe he won't find out what I know: you were the last good thing about this part of town.





It's a darling song if you really get into it. I suggest downloading it.





Did I ever mention I fucking hate Internet Explorer? Since this is my third time typing this out! Keeps fucking freezing on me. Look’s like my resolution on my potty mouth isn’t going anywhere tonight.

Any guesses?



Hehe... well if you look down you should have a good idea of who it is.



Oh yeah and did I mention I'm in love with someone? Yup...

Looking back on past Journal Entries, for my Personal Section... Damn! I or my journal has some serious fucking mood swings. Let's hope the rest of these will be nothing but mush... and love and all that great fucking jazz.





I just need to work on my potty mouth :D



So journal let's make this our new year, its a little early but so fucking what!

Well... here I am, ready to take you as mine, but where are you? Darling... I told you I could wait forever, and now I'm not to sure. I need someone, to end this loneliness. Babe I love you to death, and I love no one else. I'm tired of waiting and wanting. I bestow myself to you completely, so come fucking take me!!!!



So I'll wait for you to say you love me and need me still.



I don't just want to fall in love with your adorable ghost. So let's make this right and fall straight head first into love. I have nothing in the way this time.



Ugh... I'm turning into Miss. Mushpot again. But I'll wait and beg. Just to hear those three words...

I have a serious bone to pick with you. I don't see why you even sent me a message saying you wanted another chance when you were already fucking your best friend. I see it now... all you ever wanted to do was just hurt me one last time, one finally blow. And all those bulletins saying you don't miss your ex's (me) and you hate me and you think your new girlfriend's so great. I'm so glad that you're finally happy, since you got rid of the "whore." And I find it great that I aint even with you and I am still getting shit from your friends, I'm so tired of all this bullshit. You still can't stick up for me, and still can't protect me from it. Just like always. If your friends have shit to say about me why don't they say it to my fucking face instead of leaving it in nice little places on Myspace where other people can see it? You never cared about my feelings and you still don't... its in plain fucking view now. And the bullshit about wanting to get back together... its been two weeks, have we even said words to each other in a week? You just said it so you could have been on the sideline in things didn't work with Stephanie. And see look.. I aint gonna be like all your friends and talk shit about her cause I don't even know her, she might be a great gal. Your friends never knew me, and yet the shit just kept coming and all you ever did was laugh it off and say it yourself. I stayed through all your shit, just for you to dump me off, like that. I just can't believe how this all worked out. You used the worst line in the world.. let's take a break and be friends. You said yourself if I ever said it to you, you'd kill me. So what the fuck? Why didn't you just have the balls to say it to me? And be honest for fucking once. I stayed through all the crying, all the yelling, and all the fighting and look where it got me. You played me just like Lizzie, and I fell for it, I fell in love with you, and I got engaged to you when you never even bought that ring did you? You just played me till I took off all my clothes and left myself vulnerable, completely. So you could break my heart and run off to another girl. Let me guess, you two are engaged too, aren't you? What about the I'll love you always and forever? It’s still on my page. And for further reverence, you aint a fucking god, you're a fucking peasant, just like the rest of us. And to think I almost killed myself over a peasant. I should have listened to my friends when they said you were no good. I hope you and your girl are happy now. I predicted this the day after we broke up, you'd end up with the girl who was just a friend. Maybe that’s why you were so scared of Rik? I'm so glad I never let you ruined what we had, he's still my best friend, and he'll still be there long after you're not. So friend... we're more then divorced, I think our friendship’s over.



P.S. Don't even pull the fucking card of, "I swear I was gonna ask you out again on Sunday, it’s been two weeks." Because we both know that’s the biggest load of bullshit ever said. FUCK YOU.













Yup… So that’s it folks. It’s too bad that I had way more to say to his dumb ass. Goddamn I wish he was DEAD!

Damn... now look at where we're at again... I miss you horribly, and you won't even bat an eyelash towards me. Do I need to be engaged again for you to notice me? It's almost as if you wished I wasn't on... when we do talk its short. But most the time its just awkward silence. Can't say I didn't say I loved you. Don't you miss your supposed girl of your dreams? No... of course not... you don't need lil old me anymore. Gosh... I feel so childish... but that's right... that's all I am a child. I really miss our talks, and how close we were, how stupid it was of me to let him get in the way of all we had. I won't bother you anymore.