Clinging onto Nothing07:02 Mar 18 2008
Times Read: 738
As of now, I've almost lost the words I need to write this. As of now, it feels as though everything I have ever known has been ripped out, like pages out of a book. As of now I can't look at myself in the mirror without wanting to cry. I'm only as ugly as you make me out to be.
My family is falling apart; I'm clinging desperately to the little I have left. My brothers are so far away, and I still don't have the words to speak to them. Eric finally admitted he was wrong, and told me sorry. He wants me to prosecute the men who did this to me. The ball is in my court but all I want to do is pass it.
On Tuesday I was kicked out of the one place that I thought was going to help me. Supposedly I don't work well with others. This came as a complete shock, and now I'm left without my therapy. My health insurance keeps getting turned off, so my pills are becoming an issue but I can't just stop taking them.
I saw the physiatrist the other day and told him that I'm losing my grip; he gave me a new medication that will stop the flashbacks and the nightmares. Now that’s ten pills I take at night, and all I want from this is not to cry at night when Johnny goes to hold me.
I'm not enrolled in school anymore, so I guess that makes me a drop out. I am supposed to start again soon but I doubt I will be able to even manage that, my social phobia has become so bad that I cant even stand being in a room with more then 3 people, even if I know them. I stop breathing and start to feel like I'm going to faint. I wish it would all just go away. I'm becoming everything I never wanted to be. I'm becoming exactly what my father told me I would be.
I'm losing touch with everyone, I haven't been a good friend, I ignore my phone calls, and I stay in bed all day in my pajamas.
On top of it Jake passed away Wednesday morning, he died in my mothers arms, I couldn't believe he was gone, and still cant. I held him for hours just crying and wondering why the last good thing was taken from me.
We buried him Sunday in the flower pot; we're going to plant flowers on top of him. Mom wanted to take a picture of him before we did it. I couldn't watch, yet I had to hold him one last time.
I'm so alone and I don't see things getting better. I can't make connections with people and the few I still have are failing. I fight all the time with Johnny and I don't even have friends here online anymore. I just don't see things getting any easier. Everyday comes with thoughts of cutting or popping pills, I can't help it, its just everyday thoughts. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to just jump into the Mississippi River. What the cold water would feel like, breaking threw the ice, just floating there.
I can't take these feelings anymore; I just wish it would all go away. Now I’m just a high school drop out with no future.
COMMENTS
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sahahria
12:18 Mar 18 2008
You are worth the time it will take to get you to the point where you can change your situation. Leaving school to take care of your health is something that sounds like you need to do. School is available at any point in your life, so take care of you- and you will achieve the goals that are truly important at the right time for you.
sockpuppet
22:36 Mar 18 2008
I believe in you. The shrinks believe in you. Your family believes you. You are Jackie and you will find a way out of the wilderness.