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I've come to realize that its childish to hold grudges so I am unblocking everyone.

COMMENTS

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ladySnowStrixx
01:28 Jun 23 2009

that is very nice of you , and very Mature unlike some people on here .

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Now?

I miss laying in bed next to you. I miss the way you would tell me I'm beautiful. I miss the way you would look at me even when I felt like a wreck. I miss the way you would wake up with me every time I would have a nightmare.



Now there's no one there to fill that gap.

Hold me now I need to feel relief

Like I never wanted anything

I suppose I'll let this go and find a reason I'll hold on to

I'm so ashamed of defeat

And I'm out of reason to believe in me

I'm out of trying to get by



I'm so afraid of the gift you give me

I don't belong here and I'm not well

I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living

I'm right on the wrong side of it all



I can't face myself when I wake up

And look inside a mirror

I'm so ashamed of that thing

I suppose I'll let it go

'till I have something more to say for me

I'm so afraid of defeat

And I'm out of reason to believe in me

I'm out of trying to defy



I'm so afraid of the gift you give me

I don't belong here and I'm not well

I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living

I'm right on the wrong side of it all



Hold me now I need to feel complete

Like I matter to the one I need



I'm so afraid of the gift you give me

I don't belong here and I'm not well

I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living

I'm right on the wrong side of it all



Now I'm ashamed of this

I Am So Ashamed Of This

Now I'm so ashamed of me

I Am So Ashamed Of Me









Remember this song?

Plain and simple.



No more for tonight.

I don't know if I can. And plus I would be breaking so many people's trust, and everyone's orders.



This is wrong.

And I can't help myself. I really can't.



You don't know how hard this is for me.



But I need to be strong, right?

It's been about nine months since the last time, go me!

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend.





Goddamn how true is that?





How do you repair something like that?





Ever?





I don't really care if I get shit about it being a Fray song, I know it is, and I know that its been overplayed. I just feel that way a lot.

I talked to Rik today (very few of you actually know who that is or why this is even important but.. eh.) I must admit it was very awkward. I felt horrible while talking to him, but at the same time I didn't.



I confronted him about all the shit that his girlfriend had been saying about me, and some of the stuff he had said. And all he told me was, "Jackie, if I had her password I would make her take it off her blog. And I don't remember saying that. And I told her that wasn't the case" Not really what I was hoping for, I was hoping more for an apology. But oh well.



The only reason we probably even talked was because I saw that we had a 715 area code on the phone and I sent a text his way asking if he or his girlfriend were trying to get a hold of me. He called the house phone back and we sat on the phone for a whole 45 minutes, actually talking like old times, with way more weird pauses.



I realize now that he won't ever say what I want him to, or make up for what he did. And I don't know if I still even feel comfortable being friends with him after everything that has happened. He said he would call back again soon. But I don't know if I'm ready for that friendship again.



I just don't want to hurt like that ever again, yet I can't let a friendship of four years go down the drain. He said he stopped at my number in his contacts everyday and questioned if he should call, and he didn't know why he hadn't... but I think I know why. I think he is scared of what might happened with him and his girlfriend. Which is understandable but I just don't understand how such a great friend could let something so petty get in the way and let a girlfriend ruin such a great friendship.



It makes me feel dirty all over again. And humiliated, because I feel like I am just going backwards in my therapy. And that maybe I am just looking for ways to hurt myself. Maybe I just want to be in shitty situations, or maybe that's all I deserve.



I dunno, this whole thing still has me pretty fucked up. I hope I can sleep (haven't been able to yet) and try to forget about it, and move on so I can get some CONA things done. Because I leave in less then 5 days. There will probably be another post about that seeing as I have so much anxiety about that trip.



Well here's to hoping, right? Right.

Kimya Dawson- Tire Swing



I took the Polaroid down in my room

I'm pretty sure you have a new girlfriend

It's not as if I don't like you

It just makes me sad whenever I see it

'cause I like to be gone most of the time

And you like to be home most of the time

If I stay in one place I lose my mind

I'm a pretty impossible lady to be with



Joey never met a bike that he didn't wanna ride

And I never met a Toby that I didn't like

Scotty liked all of the books that I recommended

Even if he didn't I wouldn't be offended



I had a dream that I had to drive to Madison

To deliver a painting for some silly reason

I took a wrong turn and ended up in Michigan

Paul Baribeau took me to the giant tire swing

Gave me a push and he started singing

I sang along while I was swinging

The sound of our voices made us forget everything

That had ever hurt our feelings



Joey never met a bike that he didn't wanna ride

And I never met a Toby that I didn't like

Scotty liked all of the books that I recommended

Even if he didn't I wouldn't be offended

'€¦wouldn't be offended





Now I'm home for less than twenty-four hours

That's hardly time to take a shower

Hug my family and take your picture off the wall

Check my email write a song and make a few phone calls

Before it's time to leave again

I've got one hand on the steering wheel

One waving out the window

If I'm a spinster for the rest of my life

My arms will keep me warm on cold and lonely nights



Joey never met a bike that he didn't wanna ride

And I never met a Toby that I didn't like

Scotty liked all of the books that I recommended

Even if he didn't I wouldn't be offended.







I watched an old video of us together,

like the ones we used to record,

when we just messed around,

and it made me think of the old times,

when we used to do everything together,

I made the wrong decision and ended up with us on my mind,

leading me to thinking of the cold and unbearable nights,

I wish I could feel okay about this,

but I don't think I ever will.





Goodnight thoughts.