The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Now i get to enjoy my time with cash! yes i can now go spend money! i put a (!) next to the things that are important to me!

I am not broke today, it is nice to feel like I have something to live on. Well thankyou for listening.

I might have more of a chance then i think, but i am probably just fooling myself. I love having someone else who might have the feelings for me, it is not that I have any realistic chances though. Just the same spiral I have been drowning in for years now.

I think that I have found the person I was looking for, her name is changed now, but she is as if not more beautiful. Her new name is Luna, I can not really say anything else because she has an identity too. I just wanted to put this thought somewhere. Her maturity is far beyond anything I have come to reach, and just by looking at her I can tell already that the closest I will probably ever come to her is through and email, but she is a slice of heaven in her perfection, or whatever she may say. I could type for hours in her reflection, but I have to sleep soon. She is beautiful and I could spend the rest of my life next to her. I want to, I know that I won't have as much of a chance as I would like, but I suppose I have as much of a chance as any other person. I think I should take my earlier word and stop typing, before I tell myself too much good news, I know I will have what i deserve.

Below there is one that doesn't belong...which one..

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There is an answer...(in form of [x , #, position]

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Maledicta
19:45 Aug 23 2008

2e. Kinda obvious the way the row is longer than the others...

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I have slept nine hours but i am still tired and i am hungry but i dont want to eat, i have to work today but i dont want to take a shower. I have acne now in places that I shouldn't have them but i don't want to go through the pain to remove them. I want to move to a different day or just away from today, but I can't and nobody wants my brownie points...

--READ FOR 6 BROWNIE POINTS--

I had a good day I would say, I was able to go to school work and drive up north to play guitar for an hour or so (half an hour) at guitar center. I was not too pleased with my sound, but it was in store equipment and i sound better on mine. I think that i will start making a habit of going to play guitar about once a week on Fridays, when i start having money to spend there, i am sure i will meet some interesting people too. I need help defining what type of music i play, if someone could please visit my music space on the internet and tell me what genre i fall into i will give you brownie points. Please, thankyou, goodnight.

http://www.myspace.com/theseurlsareconfusing

I do not like to speak words, it is much less intense to type/write them and i can choose what is being said much more carefully. Plus as you are writing/typing you do not need to worry how people will cross judge your gender, appearance, or tone along with what you are saying, so you have (as in me) more freedom to say what you want. It all comes down to judgment and saying something is not the same as writing/typing something. It also takes far too much energy to move my throat and tounge around to make sounds into words, sentences, paragraphs, and the worst of them conversations...unfortunately in addition to my low energy I live in America where the only alternative to speech is isolation. At least I have this journal.

You see the number of ha to aha is very important to me, i do not simply just type in a random assortment of ahha or ha ha or hahas, not there is nor an s or an as, i am of az (supporting), so you see az is taking over california, hahahahahahahahahaa

What i ate was Mexican tonight but i liked it, very flavorful. Now i have to down this coca cola and get to work on my last work of a series of works to complete my greatest collection of work in all work history. Well that is enough subliminal, hidden, brainwashing, mind control, thought seducing, ionic, and goodnight.

eeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

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Babaganoosh
04:01 Aug 18 2008

Cooooooooeeeee! *echo echo*

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Delicious happiness, that is what Coca Cola claims to be. I think its a bunch of bullshit but im just one man. Soon my life will have a greater purpose, for me now though i am living in ignorant bliss and enjoying every minute of it. Tomorrow I will have to face reality again and die in my mortality. But every day is a new day, which is a horrible thought. Write back, thanks for reading.

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VanDick
17:37 Aug 17 2008

what is it?

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a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v w x y z



z y x w v u t s r q p o n m l k j i h g f e d c b a



a z b y c x d w e v f u g t h s i r j q k p l o m n



z a y b x c w d v e u f t g s h r u q j p k o l n m



i think those are right but if someone would double check that would be great

Nobody Loves me, *cry*



Hello *echo* hello *echo* hello *echo* SHUTUP *cry*



I cant type in the vamp box yet, *cry*



*thinking about *s *, HELLO?!??!?



If you have read this much and still haven't sent me a message *shame*

I finally got my VOX mini amp, so now i can play my guitar through my headset. I can play it at lunch now so I am not just standing in the halls anymore. I can play at home now without hearing the criticism of my family, or the other voices. I also am broke again, but I get paid in a couple more weeks again and I will be able to buy some clothes or something, In a month I should be back to paying my bills again, lucky me. Thanks for reading.

send me a message please

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CarnelianMyst
01:53 Aug 16 2008

Hang in there, someone out there cares about you more than you know.

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My life is a lie and i am learning to live with that. I will always be a servant in the great fuck machine that is life and my place is to be complacent. Although one day I will be able to prevail, for now i am entwined in a barb wired steel lock that i will never be able to release myself from.



My love is a lie, my work is a lie, the only reason i continue to breathe is because my chest keeps pushing back on me. I don't think i will find any happiness for a long time, BUT I DO WORK. I will continue to work and improve what i can to the best of my abilities. I want to die but at least I can die with a good conscience. I am not being dramatic, I just simply do not have a reason to live anymore. My love is gone



metaphor:



my loved is dead now,

although to me she was never born to

I now can only dedicate myself to the machine

of society.



I just want to help but I have no one and there is nothing I am doing or can do about it. I will just continue and push and be pushed. In the end though, the end is a much satisfying concept.

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there is a person who today just labeled me a piece of shit and then went on to treat me like one, well to those who think they can follow him, go ahead i dont give a fuck. in about ten minutes after you go through your bitch ass-ness though, ill be gone with my middle finger in the air. So fuck you bitches, that about sums it up.

I now have a $1.53 to my name, thats right ladies, big time right here

I am now on schedule to work through Friday along with this weekend, figuring taxes at my new job i will be making about $20 a day for the three hours i work there. I know that is weak but I tried to do better and couldn't, plus it is better than nothing. For now though I just need to get up, go to school, get out early, do my classwork, go to work, and go to bed. In two months i might be a better person, at least ill have money.



I also had a dream about something close to hell. It looked very painful and there was alot of blood. Some person in the dream tried to steal some drugs or product from a rich lunatic. Then it very vividly went into his punishment, first off the loon-e, shot a golf ball into the mans temple at point blank through a potato launcher, then he continued to attack him. One other thing very gross was sticking metal shavings into his toe nails, gory. But it wasn't me I was close observing. Afterwards the lunatic turned into a woman, then a dog, but strange stuff i know. After that I think i woke up, reminded me though that I can handle the day to day compared to that.



Please do not cross- psychoanalyze my dreams, I don't really care. I will however tell any more interesting dreams I have if someone wants to read it.

I cooked my own dinner and was able to shut out all other noises with my i pod, i am going to work tomorrow to pick up my schedule and in two weeks i should be able to pick up some money. I am now closer to getting my own Vox amPlug AC30 Headphone Amp. I also did my own laundry, two loads. Well I am still in a good mood, good night.

There is the sound of thunder outside so there is supposed to be some trouble ahead but something good at the end, according to the Asian guy Victor Wong III in Big Trouble Little China....



...I got a job today too so I am now only two months away

I was fed, yes I was given a full dinner, with meat and tomato sauce and zucchini, i feel full and i think i might sleep tonight instead of tomorrow morning, i really feel like everything is going to turn around if this keeps up.



I love food, it is one of my seldom loves, i only love a couple of things, food is up there though, and i got some so i am happy, food.



food good.

Not on a rehabilitation program but I signed up for my next year of school and applied for a job today which I should get if I am not slow tomorrow, I didn't see the girl I want, but it was probably actually a good thing because I might have completely shut down in public since I was already on edge with my psychopathic mother.



I hope that I might run into her when I have some free time or when I am alone walking around. By then I should have a job and have upgraded my $5 shoes...



I think that the teachers actually know me this year so they won't just label me an ass. Also I now owe about $360 to the school for lost items as well as the fact that I lost a $140 calculator when I left it in my locker, plus I owe about $750 in insurance, and I just got in an accident so thats another $500 deductible in repairs I will need to pay for ($500/2500 insurance = good). To top all that off I still owe for the down payment on my car that was covered for me at the time, thats like $300.



Off to work, if I get the job, then school...ya..

I have only told one person that I want this person and she told me I had no chance. She said that there was no chance that I would ever have her. She is all I want, she has everything that I want. I want to work to get the money to take her out, I only think about her. I don't have anything now but I will. I think that I believe her though. I will probably never have her and she will always be a dream. If I see her though I can at least pretend that our distance from eachother is something. I feel like a creep as I write these words because I have such intense emotions for her but I can't even talk to her.



I think of myself and compare myself to her, I think of how i can perfect myself to be closer to her but I don't think I will ever get past arms distance. I wish that I could be with her but I never will. I just need to keep saying this to myself and maybe my time will not be completely gone. Everyday I want her, on the outside this will keep me going but on the inside I will slowly die. I wish that money and love was all that i needed to attract someone but I don't think that is enough anymore. I am too much of a hermit with no friends or social life, no matter how i ended up in this situation. I just need to focus on the now enough not to think about anything else, since it will only lead to never having her.



I will soon be able to see her, I will probably never be able to touch her though.

So in my family there is at least one person who is willing to take the time to hear what I have to say, let me emphasize I because I never get to say I it just feels good to say I. I just wrote to my Grandma, it would be the first time I have contacted her in about three years since I visited Ohio to live with my father for two weeks, which was the first time I saw him in about eight years.



I don't think that i want to reveal too much publicly especially on this site. Thanks for reading