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Have you ever stood at a point in your life and looked back upon the ruin and havoc behind you and whished to right the wrongs you have commmited and right the wrongs which were done.



Now i realise some of these things are too far gone, that people have moved on but i want to wash clean my hands and be pure again.



I regret and despise what i put one so close to me through although one may say that it has helped build character or something to that effect. I push a different side to your awaiting ears, please hear my plea.



I have done wrong and i wish to be forgiven, not by some devine being but by those who i have wronged. I am upon my knees please listen to me. I have glutted myself upon what i once believed to be free wholesome fruits but i now know that they are poisened and disfigured with false hopes and false truths.



Let me live now, free of all downward glares for i now truly understand what i had and what i have. what others have and that to rip it from them in such a fashion is devils work.



I feel that there was a point in mylife which i made so many mistakes which intertwine with each other and that i can not be fully free of them until they are resloved.



I wish friendship where i lost it and trust where it is gone i want clean hands and a light heart.



But i want never gets..

When I was with Myles, things were falling apart from the inside

out. And I know you are clever enough to know that, looking back on

things you did in no way help the situation. I mean you told me you

loved me. And you would not leave me be. It was behind Myles back

in the most literal sense of the phrase. I am appalled as to how I

act but I feel that I could have saved the poor bloke shit loads of

problems if I had ended it civilly. All of us select few who know

the inside livings of me and Myles relationship knew it was over

long before I betrayed him. But he still deluded himself into

thinking it could work. And I hate myself for dragging it out so

much. But I am not here to talk of Myles I am here to talk of you.

I entrusted you with the secret of my liaison with Janek, I know I

told you that I did not regret it but darling I did, with the

passion of a thousand suns I wish I could change all that happened

between me and that..... I shall not put my hate for the decrepit

being in to words as I have neither the time nor the effort. He burned

my last few shreds of trust in men when he used me like he did and

then bragged about it. and then when I called you in search of a

friend I wanted to be told that it would be all right and I did not

need such 'men' but I was told you have a new 'love of your life'

and you mind was busied with cheerier things. And I did not wish

to depress and suppress you with my moans. At this moment I had not

fully recovered from the false affection you had bestowed upon me,

when a girl is told that some one loves her she does not doubt it.

I am not saying that you did not show some sparks of affection but

to label them love then to wrench the label from them brought new

shame to my naivety. I felt as if you had lied when you told me you were not ready for a relationship as you seemed clearly ready for a

relationship with the other girl. but eventually I recovered and,

thanks you the hatred of man kind which burned in me from the

weekend of scorn which I had endured I met my new man, as it was,

the first day he showed me affection I was still licking my wounds

and the poison still danced on my lips, I told him of my anger with

men and he rekindled my faith and trust enough for me to go into a

relationship with out fear of being used. I thank you for listening

for at least giving me the chance to vent I may well write again



good night and best wishes



Amy

...its like a river we are in we need to swim constantly to keep our heads above water, why shouldn't we sit on the banks for a bit and watch it all float by. For to swim forever is wearisome.