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I had a great day at work today. Let's hope that the rest of the weekend can go well.



I haven't called, or texted my bf. I told myself that I wouldn't. I have 6 hours left. Think I can control myself and not get in touch with him? I think I can. I really don't know why he's ignoring me. But I will ask him. I don't think our relationship is dying. I really don't. It's just not there, you know?



Anyway, my training to be MT is going well, so far. Today, we had little to no work for most of the day. And little to no people to do it. That wsa okay.



I need a really, really scary book to read, or something. I really need to scare myself today, or night, whichever comes first.



I can't wait until I see my bf tomorrow...



Wish me luck!!

yes, as the title of this journal points out, that's what I'm feeling right now. I finally got in touch with my bf and.....



I have soo many questions to ask him.



I had a dream about him last night that he was evil and want to be. He didn't want me to see his true self either, but I did. I realized after what he's done, that I was okay with it. He killed ppl in my dream, but they were demons. I also got the impression that he was hiding something. Probably his real self. Have to ask him about it.



It's probably the result of my being concerned for him these last 3 days.



Gotta cut this short. Have to pick up Mom. See you.

My bf is sick. Poor guy. So I went over to his house after work yesterday and spoiled him. I did whatever he wanted me to do. It was funny cuz when I called him, he didn't really want me to come over he just said yeah to be nice. But then, I came over and he was really glad about that. He said I have this 'magical charisma about me.' I thought that was sweet.



Anyway, I'm going to stay over at his place for the week. I asked if he didn't mind if I did that. he's like, that's cool, you can.



He's so cool. I better watch out, though. That saying they have when people are just nuts about each other: "Love is blind," well, I"m sort of like that. His pirks and flaws aren't really bothering me and when he shows them, it doesn't insult me, but it should, you know? I don't either. It's complicated. So I'll just leave it.



Anyway, his Mom is sooo cool. I went grocery shopping with her on account of Jay being sick. It was fun! She's awesome!



Anyway, I just hope I won't get my feelings hurt if I come off all annoying and bothersome. I don't want to be that kind of girlfriend, you know?



I'm pretty sure he'll let me know. Bluntly.



Hey, at least he tells the truth, you know. And that's what I want. Honesty. But you know, sometimes, it's better not to say stuff, you know?



Anyway, gotta go.



-SW

The word for the day is sulk.



Yep. That's what I'm doing.



Haven't heard from my bf since yesterday. You know, I think he likes to be alone. Fine. he can be that way. I called him last night to tell him that my niece has pneumonia and that I needed someone to talk to. he was probably sleeping. So I called my friend up and he wasn't answering either. Fine. Both of them can just be that way.



Look, I know I'm possessive, obssessive, clingy, paranoid........ I need someone who can handle that.



Is he the one that can?



So I don't hear from him for a day, get over it right?



That's just the thing. Haven't seen him either. One of the purposes in relationships is to see each other. Just thought I'd point that out.



Well, moving on, I have a song in my head. It's by Pink and it's called, "Dear Diary." it's a cool song.



My niece is doing fine now. As fine as one can be with having pneumonia. Mom took off work to go and see her and get more info on her condition.



Hey, guess what? The sun's coming out where I'm at. It's a pleasant change from seeing nothing but clouds the past 3 days. It's been looking more and more like fall every day.



My bf and I are going to celebrate Mabon. It's going to be awesome.



Well, I have nothing further to write, so....



Darkest Blessings,



-SW

I think my boss is playing with me.



This morning, before I clocked in, I did have access to the internet. So I did the steps to get rid of it.



It turns out that later on, I was restricted the access.



What was even more confusing was that before I left, I had again regained access to the internet.



Strange.



So, now, I'm at the library, writing this out.



My friend thinks he and his other friend are going to get attacked by demons today. He told me how and that he and his friend both had the same dream.



Odd, that.



But that's what they believe.



I asked why I didn't know this and he said that I wasn't going to get attacked, that's why I didn't know about it.



Strange.



Considering this guy and I have this bond, (both physically and psychically) I didn't know about it.



Odd.



Last night I asked my beloved Hecate to grant me a boost in my magic.



I haven't yet received that boost yet, but it will take awhile.



It's funny. My bf told me that he prayed to Her so I could have my dreams back and that I dream of him. It worked on his end. Almost every night I dream about him. He's become a presence recently on account of my not seeing him physically. I told him that and he said he didn't want to be a 'presence' in my dreams.

To which I replied in my head, 'see me more often.'



I have nothing against him wanting to spend the wknd alone. I might be too understanding at times though.....



Anyway, my BOS is almost completely in Runes.

It's influence is Konstantinos. A dark aspect of the Craft. Which is my specialty.



Sorry to cut this short, but I have meany things of interest that I must seek out.

I only do this to myself.



Think about things that aren't even true.



have people tell me that I'm paranoid b/c of it.



But if I know, I won't be so paranoid about it.



I wonder why I seek knowlege?



Duh.



Anyway, this weekend is going to suck. Sure, I'll be with my bf for one night, but not the whole weekend like I want. I should get over it. I'm too paranoid.



Can't help it. I'm suspicious of people. that's why I don't like them. Everyon'e out for themselves. So what maked me different?



Well, for starters, I'm not just out for myself.



Never was, never will be.



My sole purpose is to please people. And if I can't do that, then I'm nothing. I must have been a slave in a past life, I don't know.



Or hurt too many times to care.



That's what I think, anyway.



Someone tell me that's not true.



Anybody?



Fine. I have jsut become apathetic to everything and everyone. I just don't care anymore.



And that's really sad, b/c I'm not suffering from Depression or anything.



I just don't feel a thing.

I do this from time to time; think about stuff that no one else does.



For example: do we really have souls? Or is our brain our core and we have no spirit inside the shell? If that's the case, we have no minds either. Our mind is part of our souls, yet if we have no souls, we have no minds. Our brains think for us and we consider that to be our minds. Our brains really are the most powerful thing we have.



My best friend and I used to do this all the time. Like what if God was an alien and so were our guardian angels? Are we worshipping aliens then? If that were true, then the Incans and Mayans were right!



Also, how exactly did the English language come about? Who came up with a system that's so fucked up?



And how did we ever come about? Who are we really? There is no possible way that a single-celled organism can switch to being a multi-celled organism. No Bible tells us how we came about. Darwin only tells us how we evolved.



Neither Creationism nor the Darwinian Theory fully explains how we became what we are, or where we came from. Darwin only explains how we evolved from some animal out in the desert or forest.



So if I married an ape, does that mean I'm going back to my roots?



Scientists have thought that we are aliens and we came from either outer space or Mars. There is simply no way a single-celled organism can become a multi-celled organism without any effort.



So let's say we are aliens. And that maybe the abductions are just our alien families checking up on us. Fun.



I could go on and on. But I'm not.



Everything is an illusion.

I'm fucked up. I thought today was Tuesday, the worst day ever when, in reality, it's Wednesday.



Now I'm trying to be happy and go-lucky, but it's just not working. Superficiallity sucks!



SO! I'm just going to go through my day and what have you like I'm a fucking drone or something with no feeling.



That's exactly what I feel like. A drone. No feeling at all.



Huh. Weird.



I had dream last night. I was home, getting up to get ready for something. I didn't have to work, but I got up early. It was a bit chilly and it was raining outside. One of those dark, rainy days. I went outside and started walking. Instantly, the scene changed to a sidewalk and I was walking with my boyfriend. I think it was All Hallow's Day.

We walked and saw people in RV's, tents, and screened gazebos. People were partying and the cops were out, surveying. I started to turn back and woke up.



Weird.

I guess that's the word of the day. Weird.



Huh.

My bf said something that wounded me.



Which is funny cause I never really thought of it that way.



He thought I liked him only because he liked me.



And maybe I was a little distant this past weekend. I don't know why, but I didn't like him less.



It seems like I like him more and more each day.



I just thought that if you go out with someone, you like them back. Not because they like you.



I guess he's had that happen to him.



Anyway, I told him it wasn't true and he sounded surprised. I was confused by that reaction as well.



So. Even though we're both trying to get past our previous relationships, sometimes, it still haunts you.



Well, we figured it out,so I'm not dwelling on it.





Anyway, I had a weird dream last night: I'm almost forgetting it. But I lived in this really big house. It had so many rooms, you could get lost in it. It was night out and I was on the wrap around porch, hanging up Halloween stuff. We had a huge yard and was surrounded by woods. I loved it. I told Mom that I was going to put a huge plastic spider in the yard and she said that was cool.

Then it was daylight and I had a friend over. I didn't know who she was, but I showd her around the outside.

On the inside of the house it actually looked like royalty lived there and I was part of it.

It really was a maze, because in some rooms even I couldn't get into and sometimes when you closed a door to a room, if you opened it back up, it was a completely different room. But the whole house was connected. I thought it was cool. We had a butler who showed us the more common rooms. Then I went upstairs. It was really, really cool to live in that house.

It was longer than it was wider, but only looked that way on the outside.

It was Fall as well, and I just loved the scene. Then I woke up.