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I wonder why I am like this. My boyfriend and I have been on and off again for three years. Yesterday I wanted to have some fun, but his other friend kind of killed the mood. I told him to let go of it. She don't treat him like a friend anyway.



Then I finally decided to leave. I was mad at myself for wanting something to happen and nothing did. So I got up to leave. He asked why I was mad and I told him. He understood, but I don't. See, my heart and body say go for it, while my mind says wait a minute. Why? He also said that it's all new to him and we're going too fast. If that's true, I winder what kind of surprise he has for me tonight?



I'll just have to wait and see. But it feels like when I want time for ourselves, we end up going to someone's house. Or not be able to hang out at all. It's like we're weekend couples. Plus we're keeping it a secret, which is really no big deal to me. I think that's what's holding him back as well.



And just to top it all off, I;m the type of person who loves to please. If I want to do something and you or someone else doesn't, I get sad. That's just how I am. It's not that I get sad or angry because I don't get my way, I never get my way. It's just that I get my hopes up in a relationship and it blows up in my face.



My boyfriend described that as being a dominant person. I am really, to an extent. Maybe that's what's wrong with me.



Later.

Today, my emotions are calm. I am on the verge of being happy. Someone please stop me from becoming that way. It seems everyone is laid back and being nice, it's driving me insane! I must destroy them all.



No, I can't. I can only use my powers for good!



Less stressful, is what I'd call this day. That's why everyone is calm. It is a much needed break for all of us. And plus it is my favorite day!



I have yet to see or hear from my significant other. I fell so unloved because of that. I feel like we are weekend couples. Anyone ever go through that in here?



I am writing down a song in my poem section. I didn't make it up, it's just one that I have in my head right now. And maybe it's the cause of this calm I am feeling.



Oh well. I will write later soon. Until then, may the dark lie at your feet in honor.

I have had sore throat since Friday. I have no idea why. So now, my voice is deeper and more throaty. Oh well.



Last Wednesday, there was a very powerful storm rolling through here. I wanted it to storm, so I raised some energy and sent it out. It was nice and sunny that time. A half hr later, I went to my friend's house, and as soon as I shut the door, the storm came. It was an awesome storm. I loved it. But I should have known what damage it would cause. My friend and I caused it.



Then, on Friday, another storm came and continued to wreak havoc in the city. I don't live in the city and mostly everyone I know was spared and had electricity. Except my friend. He lost power and couldn't wait until I came over to his house. That storm was not from us. That strom came from the west. Our storm came from the east.



I did not think I put that much energy into the first storm. Apparently I was letting off some steam.



Ah, the joys of Fall! I feel it in the air already. Fall is my absolute favorite season.



The beautiful, crisp, clear days, coupled with the golden, scarlet, orange, brown and green-colored leaves. The days are still long and warm enough not to have the a/c or heat on. The nights are just long enough to savor the rising of the stars and moon. To feel content in the brevity of the coming winter and know that you're alive.



That's why I love Fall.

Ah, well, just got past a possible tornado in my area. And at work no less, worrying about if I have a home to go to after. I'll soon find out. Becuase of the backup generator at work, no lights are off. That means I'm still at my desk, insanely bored, and need to leave. There is absolutely nothing here to do and there's a severe storm. I would just save them the money ofo having to pay for us doing nothing. My co-worker agrees. But it's not like I want to be jobless, either. Since they treat us like defenseless dogs(or humans, which I am not), I would think they would love the idea of sending us home.

But alas, it is not to be. And I am stuck here, typing. Joy.

Although there is an upside to this(Careful, I might just crack a smile!), I absolutely LOVE storms. I caused one on Wednesday. That was cool. Hey, had vent my anger somehow, and I very well couldn't kill anyone, or break anything. So that was my other option. Pretty cool huh?

Anyway, I hope you guys have a dark, depressing, hopeless night and I will write more later.

Darkest Blessings,

SW

It has been a very dramatic month. I am left to pick up the slack in my Clan and I am very, very edgy. I feel I am holding the world on my shoulders like the Greek God Atlas! I am the only one working and I have to feed a family of 4, including myself. Normally, I am very calm, cool and collected. But I am not myself and am prone to drain the life out of anyone I feel worthy of it. Dark Mother, it is not fair that I have to go through this. I should not be held for other's actions, yet I am. I have done everything I can and can do no more. I feel it is my time to leave this Clan and go somewhere else. Or be solitary. No matter the path, I will not be subjected to THIS anymore.

ALas, I have been again reprimanded of the internet once more at work. So sad a thing to have come to this. My other option is the library. I love libraries. They are so full of books to read, it is hard to decide where to start. Especially to one whose interests area as broad as mine.



In other news, I have put a car in a sort of 'layaway.' I have to pay $450 just to drive off with it.



Also, I fear that I will be late on one of the bills this month. Mother is out making a name for herself and will not get paid until next week. Everything is due this week. Dark Mother! Embrace me in your eternal sleep so I will not kill myself over such trivial matters of money!



But alas, I shall continue to struggle and try harder to live. If I fail, so be it. I cannot worry over it.



SW