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time to visit this place again. ok so i dont know what im gonna do so much stress on my mom to keep me and her afloat. she goes out of her way to make sure i have what makes me happy but where does that leave her? you ever get the feeling that you wanna be there with someone or be with them but not sure if its a dating way? i feel that way toward a troubled friend of mine. he keeps getting hurt but he is so into this person i cant do nothing to help cuz im not sure how i feel about him. i go from so mad to upset at times when he talks foolish shit. i hate that sometimes i pick up on ppls feelings cuz i did tonight i got so majorly depressed and now i feel kinda playful. boy has nothing panned out for me. i really like a couple people and it dont seem i ever get to get it my way. why do two ppl im trying to fix things with gotta always be fighting? cant there ever be any peace? you know i never realize untill when im alone how much i fuck up and i miss people. im a fucking mess and i fucked my life. does it ever hurt anyone out there when they had to push someone out of your life because they didnt say something important to you and u got the impression they really dont care anymore? well that happened to me on my birthday my ex hope didnt even say happy bithday to me its been a month ago and im still not over it. i mean i dont think we could of fixed us but still she wanted to be a friend and now she dont. ok what happens if u like talking to someone who is supposedly taken? i mean im not in love with him or nothing but he is so sweet and i kinda like how he talkes to me. no worries though nothing to come of it he lives to far away and i doubt knows who he is. omg i miss working so bad i miss everyone so bad im about to bawl tying this. i feel like i dont have a life again i liked then independence i used to have. boy do i miss my gram everytime i hear a sappy song or one where i know someone is missing a loved one i cant help but think of her. i didnt know id be so lost without her. so now i feel all emotional. anyway what happens when u have a ex that you arent sure if u could ever feel the same way about but he pushes a lil i guess to let me know he still wants me. why me i suck? but anyway i see strides where he has tried to change to someone i like i mean military fucks with people it has made him a little different. but on the other hand i just done know i dont wanna feel like a toy i mean i finally fucked him and he is a horny fucked and in the back of my mind i wonder will i ever have a normal relationship where i securly know im loved out of the bed as well as in it? i want a woman and a man idc if its not fair i love both and i love ways that each treat me but then i wonder if i can find the perfect balance between the two in one person and be happy forever. is it even possible to be happy and in love forever anymore? ok so what is with all the people getting pregnant around me lately? im not ready yet...and besides ill probably lose my first i suck at a lot of what i do?like how stupid of me was it to put myself at risk and getting fired before christmas? i fucked everything up the reason we are struggling is all my fault. i should of known better 2012 sucks and its my fault. but i never knew someone could hate me enough to have it out for me :/. im so jealous sometimes of ppl close to me and omg how angry i am lately what is going on with me. am i supressing things? probably i dont do it on purpose and im unaware of it...why do i have to have the same taste in guys as someone close to me its always that way but she gets the guy. what is wrong with me why is it hardly no one likes me. does my low self esteme really bother ppl that much? IM SORRY BUT I CANT HELP IT! do yall thing i beat up on myself to much? i guess maybe a little . anyway i think thats enough for right now. to those who read it comment or message i dont care which. i do expect many ppl will read it. idk if im looking for advice or just want ppl to know whats going on upstairs. but with this i feel a little less sad. *byes*

ok so where we last left off i was getting my heart broke now i just look at it like a huge mistake. so fast forward i actually graduated surprised huh? ok then shorty after high school i dated a guy named shawn a ex bestie of mines ex. had a couple hot times thought again i may love him. nope had to cut that off i felt like i would never mean as much to him as his ex and i realized he was still in love with her. so to shawn i wish the best of luck. I dated a guy named corey like the same day i broke it off with shawn. another mistake for me 3 for 3. anyway things would of been great if i could of stuck a pin in his head and deflated his ego a little thinking about things he said to me really makes me feel shitty of myself. then he hurt my best friend and because i could find the balls to say something i lost her. then hardest thing for me to handle then. I finally got my first job at kroger during the whole situation and everyone i worked with helped me cope. but eventually like everything else we broke it off. i mean all over i couldnt text him regularly...i had no choice i couldnt pay for my phone at first. is that any fault of mine. in the course of my friend being lost i went through 4 really tuff deaths. first was my great gram she died december 2009, next came the biggest shock my gram only 60 years of wtf? she passed october 2010. then came my great grampa bless his saintly soul a proud preacher and mason among other things. in the end i really came to respect and understand why i hardly ever saw him he passed july 2011. finally came my stepgrama ann i felt more guilty for this then the rest should of known something was wrong when she kept passing on the request to see me but alas she met death first march 2012. i worked through a lot of the loss and became moms backbone. during the time of my grams passing a wonderful gift was given the chance to get the first girl i ever loved back. our relationship can to fix september 2011. but it was not meant to be. i wont say it was my fault alone but some things cannot be fixed. she was the last relationship ive had so far. now to present. in short i lost my job and have been extremely worried i know the deceased family is not proud of me. so here i sit wondering from day to day how things are gonna shape up. today though im really crabby but i think ive come to deal with all this so far and im looking for my positive fix oh and in light of all the dark i made some of the best friends at work brandy,ray,bill,chuck,billie jo, mrs robin, and mrs kathy i love and miss you guys! best of all i got my bestie back and this time she isnt going anywhere she knows who she it :D



-well there it is a basic summary enjoy if u read it

COMMENTS

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VampiressClaira
04:36 Mar 15 2012

Wow that is tough.... Well I wish the best of luck to you my friend

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