The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

She slowly stood from his furs, rubbing her dark eyes carefully as she steps over His sleeping form as she pivots gently and moves to kneel at His side seeing her sisters sleeping near Him as they breath in unison of each other her tiny hands pulling the furs up and over each of T/them softly the soft tears clinging to her long veil of lashes not allowing them to fall she pushes back three graceful paces one for love, one for honor, and one for her heart that belongs to her Master. Standing to her tiny feet, she stands a few moments silent as the thoughts cloud her mind the tears she has forbid to fall slowly seep down her flushed cheeks as she turns upon well worn heel making her way out of T/their living quarters and down the stairs into the cafe', seeing no O/one up yet she slowly with gentle steps, her hips swaying only to the music she can hear, she makes her way into the kitchen, making sure to wake no one as her rythimic movements carry her the forbidden tears begin to slide quicker down her darkened flesh.



As her tiny form trembles picking the kettle from the rack near the fires she moves to the large barrel of water filling it as she finishes she wipes her dark eyes with her forearm the crystalline tears shimmering upon her tanned skin she turns moving back to the fires her heart pounding heavily in her mind as she settles the kettle upon the rack, she falls before it lightly upon her knees her thighs parting evenly as she exposes herself willingly for her Masters pleasure her back firm and taunt as she presses forward blowing softly upon the orange and red etched embers. As the embers catch like that of her belly when He holds her close or smiles to her warmly, the tears fall quicker now as the thoughts race in her mind swarming her senses as the fire catches and the water begins to warm pushing to her feet as she moves to the window standing quietly her head leaning lightly against the clear panes looking to the three moons of gor each of which sends cascading darkness down and over her form, and her dark tresses dancing down and over her lithe form covered in crimson silk her dark eyes stinging with so many emotions as she looks out over the desert to the land beyond, the way the sand blows, the way the wind tickles her form while outside her home.



Then she hears the soft steps of boots but doesn't turn and just watches as the soft wind picks the sand up only to drop it miles from it's home wiping her eyes gently as the steps stop behind her, His muscular arms wrapping lightly around her thin waist He whispers His tone gentle but rough almost soothes her mind as it reaches her cluttered senses her tiny hands coming up to her belly to hold His much larger hands " Why do you cry my angel?" and she says nothing He turns her tiny form and pulls her close to His larger warmer body bringing His hand up as He draws it down and through her soft tresses, brushing the stray locks from her eyes as she stands silent and trembling her tiny arms coming up and around His waist gently as she holds Him, His hand holding lightly upon her head as He caresses through her tresses stroking her silken hair lightly as she treasures this moment with just Him He slowly pushes down bringing T/them both to T/their knees as He gently lifts her eyes to meet His, and His hers, His voice deep and sincere as He speaks in a barely audible whisper, "My angel, what is wrong why will you not tell Me?" and still she says nothing her arms still holding Him to her as He sighs and draws His lips to hers kissing her tenderly, lovingly His touch so special to her as she meets His affection softly her crimson lips rushing against His her happiness sparkling in her eyes a soft moan escaping her lips hiding the hidden rage she feels deep in her mind. His hand going lightly to her cheek caressing her soft skin. He gazes into her eyes yet each emotion she hides. He is blind to the way she feels.



When she watches them serve Him, the way she feels when they are before Him and she is not even in His anger when she wishes to feel His wraith upon her back but she has done nothing, she turns dark eyes to Him meeting His gaze she sees the love, the pride and the wanting He holds within His gaze for His angel she brushes her lips gently against the flesh of His as her eyes gaze into His He can see, her pride, her honor, her respect, and mostly the love she holds for Him within her tiny form she whispers "nothing, angel loves You with all her heart, always and forever" said softly she just smiles her perfect smile and holds Him near to her, as He smiles blindly to the mixed emotions in His girls eyes. He speaks soft unsure of her "and I you, My angel" as she slips back gracefully three paces and stands gazing at Him and whispers " Always" the fear within her belly sliding deeper and as her sisters wake she once again watches silent. The pride she holds for Him shining in her eyes, she holds silent the deep emotions eating at her form from within but she knows silently in her heart she will be Anothers.

Yah, it's six o'clock in the morning at least almost and I'm still up. For the last 3 hours I have laid there my apartment completely dark except the soft green blinking light on the fire alarm in my bedroom and the flash of the VCR yelling at me to "Set Time" and the green blinking numbers of my alarm clock saying you know you have to be up in three hours. And all I can think about as I lie there, curled in my blankets is "you dumb flashing things are mocking me, yes mocking me as you laugh at me lying here wide awake at this un-godly hour of the morning when I have to be up in no more then three hours."



And as I lay there my mind is once again racing just as fast as it does every other night thinking about things from pieces of dirt to, enterprises I'm thinking about taking in life. And I lay there not quite sure what to do, should I laugh, cry, scream, be angry what is it, this tidal wave of emotion that hits me, whenever I'm least expecting it. And all I can do is ask "Why me? Why do I have to be the one that goes through this night after night day after day where I'm lucky if I actually can sleep and if I do if it's actually a restful sleep" People look at me and say "Take something" How can I take something that makes me wake up feeling like I've been beaten with a stick for the last 8 or 15 hours that I slept a drugged sleep? It is as if they do not realize that people like me who have kids cannot just drop everything take this medicine that's supposed to make you all better.



It's all a lie, a lie that these "Anti-Psychotics" that they call them actually fix you. No one can "Fix" anything about Psychosis they can only make the symptoms go away for a little while but it always comes back turning, turning and turning that's what it does. It comes in short cycles, long cycles, and then you think you've kicked your psychosis and you loose it just like I am this morning, with my thoughts haunting me "Is it true? Are things looking up?" that's what my brain keeps saying to me. "You're lying to yourself, Nothing ever works out for you, you're dreaming, and You can't handle it" That's all that I hear, words that no one else but me can see or hear.



I can see my mom saying, "You know I think you're making a wrong decision, Your being impulsive, You have too many problems, You can't take care of her." That's what my mind keeps saying to me, that's all I see when my mind gets like this, and I can't cry no matter what I do, the tears just will not come. My features always void of emotion though I feel it my heart breaking my mind racing I can feel the emotion running circles in my head and in my heart. But I can't cry to make the relief happen my heart and my mind just won't let me.



I look around my house, gazing at my daughters toys, I look up from my bed and gaze at my daughters crib. I can hear her cries at three am, but she's not there for me to hold, she's not there for me to comfort, she is in my mother's arms, but perhaps the cries are just in my head. Perhaps it is just my daughter crying tears that I can't. I don't know the confusion that is all it is, I've rambled now for four minutes more in my misery my mind beginning to slow I can see all that I have to look forward to in the weeks, months, years ahead but then my brain fights me and tells me I'm wrong but am I?



I found a Man Who finishes my sentences before I do, who I love with all my heart. Yah we just met but does that really matter? We are so alike in so many ways I wonder if we aren't two halves of a whole then I don't think I will ever find that "One" that is only spoken of in dreams. He has three beautiful daughters that mean the world too him, and I have one daughter that is my life I would give anything for her as he would his little girls. And it kills me to think that anyone would take a father out of the lives of his children when he shows so much love to them and talks about them constantly when he is able. My daughters father could care less if he ever met her when he found out about her all he could say is "Abort her" it kills me how any women could take a man out of the lives of his children when all he wants to be is apart of them. I would give the world for my daughter to have a father that cared even half of what he does for his kids.



I finally get accepted into school to further my studies. I've always loved school and been good at it. But I'm really scared it's been three years and it will be so hard to go at it alone with a seven month old daughter and I worry every day that I will not be able to be there for her as much as my mom was there for me.



Don't get me wrong I love my mom but I still don't understand how she could take my daughter from me. I love my mom with all my heart and maybe one day I will realize that she did it not only for me, but for my daughter to in both of our best interests. And now just having the chance at getting my daughter back and my mind starts playing tricks with me again.



This morning I look at my very neglected apartment and I don't want to clean it, I've only been neglecting it for a week now where usually everything is spotless, and in it's rightful place but now I look at the clothes strewn all over the house, the dishes piled high in the sink and the dirty kitchen floor and I shake my head and say to myself things will get better, they always do at least for a little while so I'm going to go about my business hope everything turns out for the best and then live a life with my family the way lives are supposed to be led, with small ups and downs Hopefully more ups then downs but I guess what I'm trying to say is. If you have it don't let it go, and if you find it catch before it goes too far. True love only happens once in a lifetime and if you don't grab it when it's there you'll never be truly happy.

You think you might know me, but you are blind to whom and what I really am. Do you really want to know me for who I am? I am the racer on the racetrack, and the geek behind the screen. If you ever truly knew me, you would be afraid. You do not know what it is like and probably never will, to see what I see and do what I will. If ever you try to understand me, you most likely will fear me. Fear from not understanding, fear from not comprehending. Many have tried to figure out what I go through, but not one has come close to the truth. My mind always racing my thoughts never slowing, the reality of everything around me always is slipping away.



People always telling me that I am "fake" but I am not, I am as real as anyone is. I am the bum in the alley, the shy one in the shadows. You only know what I tell you and you only see what I want you to. You do not see me when I am alone. You do not see me when I am afraid. You do not see the thoughts that run constantly, pounding at my brain. The fears that always haunt me from behind closed doors. The sights, which draw me. You will never know me.



You are as blind as society is as a whole. You are blind to the illness of my mind; doctors gave it a name, schizoaffective, bipolar, personality disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder. What does that mean? You do not understand mental illness so therefore you fear it. If you think, you understand it you really do not. You will never understand it nor' will you ever comprehend what I go through. You may think you do but you are blind to it. It is as if you tried explaining color to a blind man. Or explaining what a wolves howl sounds like to a deaf woman.



Do you really want to understand me? Are you truly ready? If you are, I will explain me - but is it really me? Is it ever me? I do not even myself remember "Me".



Do I fear me? Do I understand me? No, not always, sometimes, but not really. How can you think you know me? I really do not know me, no one does. They see what I want them to see they hear what I want them to hear I am a chameleon. Society made me this way, my mental illness made me this way.



I am the shy one that does not know anybody. I am the one no one sees. I am also the one that is crying within when no one is there to listen. I am the silent one that only speaks when I have something to say. I am the one that is laughed at as others walk away. I am the honest one that will always tell you the truth, but will I? Possibly, depending on what "truth" is for sometimes my truth is only true in my mind. I am the active one, always willing to help those that need it. I am a mother, a daughter, a sister, a neighbor. I am the one lost within myself in society, never to be found.



I am the one that hears voices no one else hears. I am the one that sees things that no one else sees. I am the one everyone is blind to. I am the one that everyone "thinks" they understand. But no one will ever understand me, for they will never see what I see, hear what I hear, go through what I go through every day. Will anyone ever understand the pain of not knowing, not seeing, not understanding the thoughts in my mind that never slow down, never stop, and never allow any silence to come?



Perhaps one day, when I am old and gray and my children's children are sitting at my feet, I will begin to understand why my life was the way it was. Always fast, never slow, perhaps at that time I will be able to understand. Then maybe then, I will be able to explain what was once in my head.

As I sit here alone in the darkness of my apartment day after day night after night. I gaze quietly at my screen waiting, but waiting for what? Perhaps waiting for that day when my mind finally figures out just how bored of it I really am? Or perhaps when my heart is finally confined in this thing everyone else calls "Love". What an illusionary filled mind people have.



I've never in my 21 years on this planet seen this illusion they call "love" except in that of love for ones child but that is a different subject altogether. Illusion what a wonderful concept "The condition of being deceived by a false perception or belief" I guess I've never really believed in that which I could not see or touch. Does that make me a bad person, perhaps a bit to indubitable? No it just means I don't trust that which I can not see. I'm a very realistic person perhaps a bit pessimistic when it comes to the way of the world but that is me, and no one can change that.



As I sit here I watch, I watch the things people throw at me randomly from things their dealing with at home, to what their latest sexual exploit is and I shake my head how do these people do this they don't even know me. Granted I do have those people I call friends on the other side of the screen that I speak to about my emotions or perhaps my latest reality piece or perhaps a poem, and even about my daughter latest try at walking or the funny things she does.



But what is it with everyone thinking I want to know who they slept with and what they did and for how long. And all I can say is "Umm" because what else is there for me to say. Granted I could come off with "Thanks for telling me, I would be more then happy to never be scarred for life by you telling me that again" but no being the person I am the one that most people come to, to lean on or to talk to for my opinion or my advice I just watch the words slowly filter across the screen and I do my best to tell them what "I" would do if I was ever in their present situation.



Am I just being cynical by saying that I find few people that I can "trust" or few people that I can actually say I believe. Yes, I am. I have never stated nor will you ever hear me say that I am a people person or will ever be a people person. I may be charismatic but that doesn't mean that I enjoy being that way. I would be just as happy to sit in my little apartment alone with no one. But that's who I am, a loner by choice not by force.



Friends, what are those? I can count my real friends on one hand and some of them I don't talk to but once in a great while when we finally catch up with one another because of our already hectic schedules. Do they have a face to me? No. Am I able to touch them, feel them? Emotionally, Yes. Physically, No. I can't touch them I can only watch there words slowly filter over what everyone calls a Messenger. Sometimes I'll hear there voice on the phone or through the speakers of my computer but rarely. Most the time we are to busy with things in life to do that. Are all my friends like me? No not all of them but some, yes.



Relationships, sure I've had a few. In real life I have had three that I can really consider relationships from the time I was 12. How long has it been since my last one? Three years in February. Can I consider online relationships and actual relationship? No. And the reason behind it is easy. I believe that in which I can touch, feel, hold, hear and that's just how I am.



Family is something I look at as my reality. I have a mom, a dad, a brother, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and a beautiful daughter. Are they apart of my everyday life? No, just my daughter is. As she always will be.



You may think I'm setting myself up for a life of loneliness. Perhaps but if that's the way it's going to be then that will be my fault now won't it? I don't want your pity, you may think I do but I don't. All I want is some understanding of why I am the way I am. People think being a loner is a bad this but it isn't, and no it doesn't stop us from being hurt emotionally, everyday I deal with things that hurt me both out here in the real world away from my computer screen and on the computer screen. You may say that the computer is not a reality but it is. It's what I consider a safe reality yah most that are on here are freaks or a little disturbed. But the ones I do talk to aren't I know them from behind the computer screen as well as right here talking to me on the phone. Some of them I have met, some I have not. But to me they are "people" real people that have emotions just like you.

So, tonight I look at my apartment, the hangings on the wall. One that says "Forgive" one that says "Footsteps" and as my eyes slowly trace over the pale yellow walls the pictures catch my eyes, the four rows of my daughters pictures lining my walls, the picture of her on top of my monitor smiling so wide. And slowly I let my eyes move over my home, the spotless counters the naked carpet minus the toys that usually lay there strewn where they are left; and then I think to myself. She'll be here soon, tomorrow, or the next day. She looks into my eyes with the innocence of a child born into this cruel and dirty world and she will give me one of her beautiful smiles and jabber with her incoherent speech. She will bring a small smile to my lips until I sit here once again alone, in the desolate place that I call my apartment watching once again as the words filter slowly across my screen.



I look back to the day that I had my daughter the twenty eighth of May two thousand and three and I remember the first time she opened her eyes, the first time she held my finger in her tiny hand, the way she looked at me with those beautiful eyes. I remember while I held her she pressed her palm to my chest, as if she was holding my heart within her tiny grasp. The quiet way, she softly strokes my cheek with her small open palm, so gentle and so innocent with wonderment in her eyes. As if trying to make a smile touch her momma's lips. Everyday I hold her she holds a new wonder to my heart.



Some day's I often wonder if she will remember the time that I was gone, or if she was too young to question where her momma was. If she asks me when she is older why I was not there? I will answer with the only thing I know and tell her that I was always there. I was never far away I was always in her heart as she was in mine. I was always dreaming her dreams, as she was dreaming mine. I will tell her that I love her, and that she was always on my mind. No matter what I was doing she was always right their in my arms holding my heart so tight.



When she grows older, I will tell her all I know. I will promise her the life I never lead and the love I always knew. I will give her my strength when she is in need, and I will give her my heart as she begins to lead. I will allow her, her independence and follow scared at her heels, as she slowly experiences the newfound glories of life. I will answer her questions as she slowly makes her way in the world.



If she needs something that I can willingly provide, I will provide it with all my heart, knowing she has once again given me a life. I will watch her grow, and watch her learn, as she slowly becomes her own. I will be there for her when she is scared. I will be there for her when she is in love. I will be there at her side while she learns from her mistakes. I will always be her leaning post when she is too weak to walk. This is the promise I give her with all my mothers love.



As I assure her of my promise, and show her all my love. I will walk the grounds of time with her always in my hand. She has always been a gift to me no matter what others say. She will always be my baby girl, no matter what her age. As we walk the treks through life, even when it is hard always know that I am there no matter what the time.



I will hold my hand out to help her up and never let her fall. I will be there when she needs me always standing tall. With this my baby girl you mean so much to me, I will never let you question my love no matter what you believe or see. You have given me all the love in my heart that I will ever need. You have given me truth to the illusion that I had never seen. I will always watch the candle of life burn before our eyes. I will watch the dancing flame as it wavers when we are in need. But always know this my baby girl; we will always have each other. Maybe not in the physical sense but always in our hearts and minds we will know that we are together.