18:28 Oct 14 2005
Times Read: 660
Adam woke up, scratched his backside and stared out over the garden of Eden.
“Another boring day,” he groaned. “Another day wandering about paradise, eating fruit, staring at beautiful flowers, being good. Oh, it’s so boring! Surely there’s meant to be more to life than this? And is it normal to talk to oneself? Having nobody to ask - I can’t tell.”
Adam stared up at the cloudless, azure sky, and sighed.
A flock of brightly coloured birds swooped and dived overhead catching Adam’s attention. The birds circled around lazily before alighting on the branch of a tree close to Adam.
Adam was about to leave - to pick his breakfast from the fruit trees - when a thought crossed his mind. He studied the birds. The two largest birds sat side by side - on a lower branch sat several much younger birds.
Adam frowned in puzzlement. “Where did those younger birds come from? And wherever they came from - how did they get here? I wonder if God makes the new birds and sneaks them in here under the cover of darkness. I’ll have to ask Him when he next turns up.”
With a dismissive shrug, Adam turned his back on the birds and set off for the banana tree - his favourite.
Sitting with his back to the trunk of the tree, Adam unpeeled his seventh banana and stared out over the orchard.
The peaceful setting was suddenly disrupted when two monkeys raced into the orchard, chattering and screaming.
Adam ceased chewing as he watched the larger of the two monkeys chase the smaller one. Screeching loudly, they raced up and down the trees, in and out, around and around, until finally, the larger monkey caught the smaller one and grabbed hold of it tightly.
Mesmerised, Adam watched the larger animal as it climbed onto the back of its mate. Frowning, Adam dropped his banana and got to his feet. Treading carefully, he moved closer to the two animals.
What are they doing? Adam wondered. Whatever it is - it looks like fun. They seem to be enjoying it - whatever it is.
Creeping even closer, Adam hid behind a tree and peered out at the two animals.
As Adam watched the strange behaviour of the two monkeys, he felt a strange sensation in the pit of his stomach. With a glazed look in his eyes - his hand moved down to his belly.... He’d experienced this sensation once before .... he cast his mind back. Nodding to himself at the recalled memory, Adam turned away in search of some large leaves. He would need them - the pain in his stomach - the returned memory - too many bananas for breakfast!
For the fourth time, Adam came out from the bushes rubbing his painful stomach with a groa more agitated he became. He knew that sleep would not come easily that night.
It was the middle of the night, and Adam was still pacing up and down outside his cave.
Suddenly, a bright shaft of light shone down on him, and a voice thundered out his name.
“Adam! I see you have a troubled mind.”
Adam covered his eyes and looked down at the ground. “Lord? Is that you?”
“Who were you expecting?” thundered God.
Adam fell to the ground prostrate.
“Tell me what troubles your thoughts, Adam.”
“Well Lord, I....”
“You what?” urged the one from upon high.
“I’m... I saw two monkeys today and...”
“Oh! Is that all. Well don’t let it bother you. I expect you’ll see more of them before your time is through.”
“Yes, Lord. But...”
The light went out and darkness reigned once more.
Adam peeked out from under his arm. He struggled to his feet and stared up at the starry sky.
“Oy!” yelled Adam. “I hadn’t finished what I was say...”
The light reappeared.
Adam resumed the flat out on the ground position.
“Sorry about that Adam. I’m a little distracted today. Wondering where to go next with this creation of mine. Think I’m suffering a bit of Creators block. Never mind, I guess I’ll think of something sooner or later.”
Adam moved to a kneeling position but kept his eyes averted from the light’s presence. “Lord? I am sorely troubled and confused.”
There was a moments silence.
“Why Adam? What have you got to worry about? Just eat, drink, sleep and be good. That’s all you have to do.”
“Yes, Lord. Er, I’m very grateful and all that... but...”
“But?” thundered the Almighty. “You dare to ‘but’?”
Adam trembled. “No Lord. I daren’t.”
“That’s all right then.”
Adam took a deep breath. “Well, actually I do...”
The world shook with a supernatural sigh. “What is it, Adam?”
“As I was saying Lord, I saw two monkeys today and they were... Well, to be honest I...”
“You’d better be honest with me Adam. I would be mightily mis-pleased if you weren’t”
“Yes, of course,” grovelled Adam. “Anyway, those animals were doing something and I....”
“I wondered when we’d get around to this,” sighed the Lord. “Human nature I guess.”
“All I want,” said Adam, “is... I don’t know what exactly - but I feel I need someone - someone to do unto them what those animals do unto one another.”
“Mmmm,” responded the light. “You know that you might regret your decision later on, don’t you?”
Adam shook his head. “No! I won’t. I’m sure I won’t.”
“Perhaps,” replied the Almighty, “perhaps it is time I continued with the plans. All right Adam. Go to sleep and when you awake you will no longer be alone.”
Adam leapt to his feet and wrung his hands. “Oh, thank you Lord! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!”
“Enough grovelling Adam! Now go and sleep.”
“I’m going, Lord. Right now.”
rubbed the sleep from his eyes. “What’s... What’s that horrible noise?”
“It’s me! Now shift yourself. Have you seen the state of this place? Doesn’t look like its ever been cleaned. And where’s my breakfast? Eh? Eh?”
Adam opened his eyes and stared at the naked female who stood in the centre of the cave with her hands planted on her hips.
“Just look at the cobwebs up there!” she cried, staring upwards.
“Wow! Look at the size of those!” exclaimed Adam, admiring his mate’s body. “Well don’t just sit there gawking at them,” snapped the female. “Go and fetch me something to brush them with!”
Adam scratched his head. “Huh?”
“Them damned cobwebs!”
“Oh, right.... cobwebs. Yes, I’ll...”
Without taking his eyes from her body, Adam walked backwards out of the cave. Outside, in the garden, he whooped out loud and punched the air. “Yes! Yes! Yes!” he yelled.
Some time later, Adam returned. His arms were laden with fruit of every kind. Walking into the cave he carefully laid down his burden and rushed back outside. A moment later he returned with a broken off branch from an orange tree. He held the branch out to his female.
“What’s that?” whined the woman.
“Well its...” Adam smiled broadly. “It’s for you.”
The woman sneered. “What? You think you can win me over with that? I want flowers. And in a bunch! You hear me? Eh?”
Adam frowned. “I thought....” he glanced up at the cobwebs. “I thought you wanted to...”
The woman stabbed a finger at the cave’s entrance. “Go on! Go and fetch me flowers. Now!”
Muttering loudly, Adam went back out to search for flowers.
-----------------
The flowers he offered the woman were not satisfactory. He’d picked all yellow ones - she wanted pink.
Scratched and torn from many thorns, the roses he offered were finally accepted.
“Find me something sweet,” she’d said.
Adam, covered with bee stings, returned holding triumphantly aloft a dripping comb of honey.
“Don’t drip that all over my freshly cleaned floor!” was the grateful response. “And if you think I’m sleeping on that hard rock over there - you’ve got another think coming. Find me something soft to stuff some rolled up leaves with. And fetch me some leaves to roll up with while your about it!”
With a sigh. Adam stared longingly at his woman’s nakedness before he set off once again.
Several hours later, Adam staggered back into the cave - carrying a bundle of monkey’s fur that he fought so valiantly for.
“Put it down over there,” ordered the woman. “Now, then... Where’s the water in this place?”
Adam’s shoulders drooped. “Water?”
“Yes, water! I want a bath. Fetch me some water.”
“What’s a bath?” asked Adam.
“See that hollowed out rock over there? Well I’ve decided that it will be a bath. No go - fetch water!”
Adam was losing his patience. Normally he was a placid and patient man, never lost his cool and never swore - until now. With his eyes scanning her naked form he shook his head. “Eeee, f...” he caught himself just in time from uttering a profanity. He took a deep breath and turned around.
“Call that enough given me.”
Shuffling closer to the bath, Adam swallowed nervously. “Name? What name?”
“Eeeef. It does have a certain ring to it I must say.”
Totally baffled, Adam simply smiled. “As long as you are happy my sweet honeycomb - then I am too.”
While Eeeef bathed, Adam drooled.
When Eeeef dried herself on the leaves, Adam’s knees turned to jelly. With glowing skin, Eeeef stood in the centre of the cave and asked Adam to comb her hair with his fingers.
Adam willingly obeyed. With fingers trembling and shaking he ran his fingers through her long blonde hair.
“Why are you so nervous?” asked Eeeef.
“Because you are so beautiful,” replied Adam with a shaky voice. Eeeef smiled coyly. “Fancy me do you?”
Embarrassed, Adam glanced down. “That obvious huh?”
Eeeef frowned. “What’s obvious?”
Adam, blushing furiously glanced down at himself. “You know...”
Eeeef shook her head. “I’m sorry but I haven’t a clue what you are on about. You’ll have to fill me in.”
A wave of dizziness passed over Adam.
“Well speak to me!” snapped Eeeef.
Adam swallowed several times. He pointed down at himself. “This! You’ve done this to me. It’s never happened before.”
Eeeef giggled. “Fibber. It’s been like that ever since you got up this morning!”
Adam closed his eyes to hide his embarrassment. “Look, Eeeef. I’ve er seen what the monkeys and horses and other animals do. And I was wondering....?”
Eeeef frowned. “Wondered?”
“Yes. I wondered if I might....?”
“Might what?”
“You know!”
Eeeef shook her head. “Nope. You’ve lost me again.”
“I wondered if I might ... you know .... like the monkeys do.”
Eeeef shrugged. “You could try, but I don’t think they’ll let you. Have you seen how many bald monkeys there are out there? All that fur you ripped them off with .... not a happy bunch are they.”
Adam stamped his foot. “Eeeee Fu....”
“What my precious? Hey! What’s your name anyhow?”
“Me? My name? Adam.”
Eeeef smiled seductively. “Tell you what, Adam. If you go out there into the garden right now and pick me a bunch of moonflowers. I’ll let you lie down beside me. How does that grab you? Adam? Where’d he go?”
Moonflowers were quite rare - even in the Garden of Eden, but finally, Adam found a patch and picked them eagerly. He also established the very first, land speed record in returning home.
Panting and out of breath, Adam fell to his knees beside Eeeef’s reclining form. He held out the flowers. “Here my sweet - moonflowers.”
Eeeef sat up and took the proffered flowers. She raised them to her nose and closing her eyes she inhaled deeply. “Ah!” she sighed. “such a heavenly scent.”
“Argh!” sighed Adam - for other reasons.
“Well, Adam. I think it’s time for you to lie beside me and speak to me of sweet things.”
Adam came close to fainting. But bravely he fought on and sat on the edge of the stone ledge just inches away from Eeeef.
As he moved closer, Eeeef sniffed. She lowered her nose to Adam’s arms and sniffed deeper.
Adam froze. “What’s wrong?”
Eeeef sniffed the moonflowers then leaned forwards and sniffed Adam once more.
“What’s going on?” asked Adam, the puzzlement clear on his face.
“What’s going on?” snapped Eeeef. “That’s exactly what I want to know. I can smell a strange scent on you and it’s not moonflowers. Have you been picking other blooms? Have you got another woman? Is that it? Eh? Eh?”
So Adam was forced to spend that night sleeping on the spare rock in a side cave. Kept awake by Eeeef’s snoring - even though she was quite a distance away - Adam cursed and moaned and wondered if perhaps the good Lord had been right after all - he was already regretting asking for a partner ... but then her naked image would fill his mind and he recalled the monkeys ... and wished ... that he was a monkey too ... life would be so much easier. With a heavy sigh he rolled over and fell asleep.
The second day was more a less a copy of the first. This time it was: ‘Can’t you make a hole in the cave wall just there? - then we could look out over the garden.’
Having no tools to speak of, it took Adam a few days to bash through the hard rock by using another rock.
Then of course the ‘window’ looked bare - something to drape it with would be nice.
And so on for seven days.
And for seven nights, Adam was banished to the spare rock.
The turning point came on the eighth day....
Waking early, Adam left the cave whilst Eeeef was still fast asleep. He went to the banana tree and ate his breakfast. Being in no rush to return home, he wandered around the garden for a while. The sky was clear - as it always was - and the sun just right - as it always was - and everything in the garden was just peachy - as it always was. And then he came across a clearing that he had never seen before. In the centre of the clearing was one solitary fruit tree. Curious about a sign that stood before the tree, Adam casually wandered towards it to see what it said.
WARNING: TREE OF KNOWLEDGE
KEEP OFF. DO NOT TOUCH.
EAT NOT OF THIS TREE.
ESPECIALLY YOU ADAM!
Adam, frowned. “So! This is the tree that I must eat not thereof ... thingy ... whatever.”
He stared at the golden fruit that hung from the branches. The fruit, slightly moist from the early morning dew, sparkled and glittered in the golden glow of the rising sun. “Mmmm, I must say they do look very tempting... I wonder why I’m no leave, Adam took a step and halted. Something was different .... but what? And then he noticed .... the wasps were acting oddly. He watched one particular insect trying to clamber over a decaying bunch of grapes, but it kept falling off and rolling over. And as he moved closer to look he saw there were many others in the same condition.
Eventually, Adam grew bored with the spectacle and decided it was time to face his mate.
Eeeef wanted another bath. Adam refused to fetch the water. Eeeef whined and yelled, shouted and screeched, but Adam was adamant.
Eeeef changed tactics. She smiled broadly at Adam and winked suggestively.
The water was brought.
While Eeeef lay soaking in her bath, Adam gathered up the many banana peels and orange skins and took them around the rear of the cave.
Turning the corner, he stopped dead in his tracks. The sight before him caused him to drop the garbage and stare wild eyed at the strange events unfolding before him.
All around the pile of rotting fruit were animals of all shapes and sizes - and they were doing the horizontal dance again - well most were - some were standing - some where hanging from the wall - but the majority were piled together in a seething mass of animal passion.
“What the....” Adam’s jaw fell open. “Oy! You lot! clear out of here - go on ... shoo!”
Several monkeys looked up and chattered inanely. Twenty or so rabbits took no notice whatsover and continued doing what rabbits are very good at. A fine Arab stallion - without a mate - whinnied forlornly and staggered off with a highly unusual sideways gait. And a great big grizzly bear - who looked absolutely done in - wandered off with his head clamped tightly between his powerful claws.
“What’s the matter with you all?” cried Adam.
A chipmunk darted to the pile of rotting fruit and sipped greedily at the dripping juice that was pooling below the rock. Sated, the animal suddenly leapt into the air - did a backward flip - stood on its hind legs and then promptly fell over backwards - out cold.
“Huh?” exclaimed Adam. Curious, he battled his way through the mass of animals and dipped his finger into the fermented juice. He tasted it. His eyes opened wide. “Mmmm.... This is good. I must gather some up and offer some to Eeeef!”
----------------
Eeeef giggled and placed her hand on Adam’s knee.
Adam grinned. He raised a handful of leaves that he had soaked in the fermented juice and squeezed the drops into Eeeef’s open mouth.
Eeeef giggled again. “Hey, Ad....um! Go and... and.... fetch me some more of this... this... whatsit called?”
Adam got up on two very unsteady feet. With one eye closed he studied Eeeef and winked. “Dunno. But sheeing ash it wash mainly .... mainly gray .... ps, hows about .... hows about .... beer?”
Eeef pulled a face. “Beer?”
“Yup! On account of the ... the ... beesh ... beesh I mean. There were washpsh too but ... nope beer.”
Eeeef burped. She raised a hand in the air and waved it about. “Don’t like that name. Think of shum ... shum ... thing elsh.”
Adam flopped down to the ground and looked thoughtful.
“Hurry up!” scolded Eeeef. “Think of shum ... shum ... a name. And weren’t you going for shum more whateveryourgoingtocallit?”
Adam felt slightly morose. “Whine, whine, whine!”
“Shuddup and fetch me more whine then.”
More whine was produced and drunk, until finally they both staggered off to bed together in an alco arms. “What’s the matter?”
“You... You... Dash! I don’t know any swear words... You stinking monkey you!”
Adam peered out from beneath one arm. “What have I done?”
“What have you done? You gave me that whine stuff on purpose didn’t you? And in the night you .... you .... graped me!”
Adam frowned. “Did I?”
“Yes you beast! You did things to me. You prodded and poked and did... whatever you did ... you did it!”
Adam couldn’t help it - he grinned at the hazy memory.
“Why are you grinning?” asked Eeeef raising the branch ready for another blow.
“Because it was nice?” said Adam.
“Well, yes it was nice. I know that.”
Adam’s jaw fell. “You what? You said it was nice?”
“Of course it was.”
“So why are you so mad? Why are you beating me?”
Eeeef lowered the branch. “’Cos I thought it was a dream. You might have woken me up you selfish pig!”
Adam, beginning to realize that females were not very easy to understand - got to his feet warily.
“Am I forgiven then?” he asked.
Eeeef dropped the branch. “I suppose so.”
“Well now that we are both fully awake - shall we go back to bed?” suggested Adam.
Eeeef frowned. “Back to bed? What for?”
Adam leered. “To do it all again?”
“Wow!” cried Eeeef. “I’m impressed. You mean can still manage it?”
And thus it was that very morn’ that the begatting of the human race was begatted.
And the Lord did peek through a chariot of clouds and saw that all was good in his garden.
---------------
The weeks passed, and Adam lost a lot of weight.
More weeks passed, and Adam began to tire.
And wane.
And grow bored.
“What’s the matter Adam?” asked Eeeef one night. “Don’t you fancy me any more?”
Adam was learning. “Of course my little turtle dove. It’s just that...”
“Just what?” asked Eeeef.
“Oh, you know. It’s always the same place, the same time, the same routine. I think we need... I don’t know - something different?”
“Well, you suggest something then,” replied Eeeef.
“Actually....” began Adam. “There is something I’d like you to try.”
“What’s that?” asked Eeeef sweetly.
“Would you.... Would you .... dress up for me?”
“Dress up for you? What is that?”
“I’m not really sure,” frowned Adam. “But seeing you naked, day in, day out, well....”
Eeeef pouted. “Well Adam, I’d really like to do as you ask but I’m afraid I am not very knowledgeable in these matters. I wouldn’t know where to start.” Adam was clearly disappointed. “Okay. I understand.
And so the art of begatting became a rare event.
Adam, brooded constantly. He so much desired to see Eeeef adorned in .... whatever she could adorn herself with - that it played on his mind. He just could not escape his fantasies.
Eeeef seeing how Adam was tormented by his obsession decided that as a woman it was time to practise her womanly wiles.
Eeeef left the room to fetch her surprise.
As soon as he was alone, Adam unearthed his surprise from his hiding place.
Soon they sat side by side - each hiding their surprise behind their backs.
Eeeef giggled. “You show me yours first, then I’ll show you mine.”
With a grin. Adam produced a large leaf with portions of a strange fruit laid out in segments.
Eeeef laughed and produced a similar leaf but with a different fruit.
“Seems we both had the same idea,” said Adam. “Here try a piece of mine first.”
“No,” said Eeeef. “Mine first.”
After several minutes of argument. They both held a piece of fruit in their hands and popped it into each other's mouths.
As they both chewed, they gazed into each other's eyes.
And Adam saw the truth. He had been such a fool.
And Eeeef suddenly knew that the time had come.
Adam leaned forwards and kissed Eeeef tenderly. “Wear something for me?” he whispered. “Go and put this fig leaf around you. It would please me greatly.”
Eeef took the proffered leaf, and with a parting smile, she left the room.
Just as Eeeef was about to re-enter the room - resplendent in fig leaf, a beam of light - brighter than the sun - exploded within the cave.
“What is this I see?” boomed the Lord of All.
Adam and Eeef both hit the deck at the same time.
“Who has eaten from the tree that I forbade to be eaten from thereof?”
Adam trembled and shook.
Eeeef cowered and tried to sneak away.
“Keep still!” roared the Almighty.”
The trembling couple stopped shaking and froze - petrified.
“Now then.... Who is responsible for nicking my fruit?”
Adam cried out. “It wasn’t me Lord!”
Eeeef raised her head slightly. “Well don’t look at me!”
“I’m looking at both of you actually. And one of you is guilty. So come on - time for confession - own up!”
Silence.
“Why are you wearing a fig leaf, Eeef?” boomed the Light.
Eeeef resumed her trembling. “Well I.... I was .... naked; and Adam he....”
“So it was you then? You ate from the forbidden tree and found that you was naked.”
“I already knew I was naked, thank you very much,” replied Eeeef, a tad testily. “I didn’t need any help to work that one out.”
“Silence!” roared the God of All.
And silence He got.
“Now then. I am very mightily upset. All those fruit trees you had - the pick of the crop - just one tree I tell you to leave alone - but did you listen? No! Oh, there will be some punishment handed out today. Believe me there will!”
Eeeef suddenly felt afraid.
Just then, a snake, minding it’s own business, staggered into the cave. He was on his way home after quite a heavy session at the whine rock - and although he was so far gone he didn’t realize he was in the wrong cave - he was still polite enough to wipe his feet on the matted monkey-fur rug in the entranceway.
Eeeef saw an opportunity. “It was his fault!” she cried. “That snake there - he said to me that you said I was allowed to help myself.”
The snake flicked out its tongue and tasted the air.
though as to how he got away with it - didn’t the Lord know that snakes don’t talk? Oh, well, one of life’s little mysteries.
And Eeeef leaped right in on Adam and began her reign of grief.
“You bastard! she spat.
“Huh?” cried an amazed Adam. “Where’d you learn words like that?”
“Well you should effing know! You fed me that fruit from the forbidden tree didn’t you!”
Adam looked down guiltily.
“I don’t know Adam. Why? Why did you do it?”
“Because I wanted you to be knowledgeable. To learn the ways of woman and do womanly things for me.”
“Well don’t think your getting my surprise gift after this!”
Adam frowned. “Gift? I thought that fruit was your gift?”
“That was just for starters. I’ve spent hours and hours making myself silk stockings - with a matching garter - and ... and a tight basque thingy - all red and slinky.”
Adam’s eyes almost exploded from his head. “What? You did? Go and put them on right now!”
Eeeef grinned evilly. “Never! From now on you’ll have to beg me over and over for it. If that’s what the Lord has ordained, so be it. And don’t think you're going to have it easy. I’m going to go out and invent me a rolling pin. And another thing...."
THE START.....
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