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Now this is NOT funny...
02:34 May 06 2010
Times Read: 565

I honestly don't understand what's going on with our government today. I'm not prejudiced or racist in any way, I like and dislike everyone equally. Years and years ago it would have been perfectly fine for, like in President Roosevelt's case, us to say "so help us God" but now they've gone and taken it off the WWII memorial. I have nothing against muslims, jews, buddhists, or what not, but why is it when people express their christianity, or belief in the Father, that they are discouraged? My mother sent me this on yahoo and I'm going to share it with you all.









SHALL WE HIRE A MONUMENT ENGRAVER TO GO TO ARLINGTON NATIONAL CEMETERY AND ADD THE MISSING WORDS?



THIS IS A MESSAGE FROM AN APPALLED OBSERVER:



Today I went to visit the new World War II Memorial in Washington , DC . I got an unexpected history lesson. Because I'm a baby boomer, I was one of the youngest in the crowd. Most were the age of my parents, Veterans of 'the greatest war,' with their families. It was a beautiful day, and people were smiling and happy to be there. Hundreds of us milled around the memorial, reading the inspiring words of Eisenhower and Truman that are engraved there.



On the Pacific side of the memorial, a group of us gathered to read the words President Roosevelt used to announce the attack on Pearl Harbor:



'Yesterday, December 7, 1941--a date which will live in infamy--the United States of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked.'



One elderly woman read the words aloud:



'With confidence in our armed forces, with the abounding determination of our people, we will gain the inevitable triumph.'



But as she read, she was suddenly turned angry. 'Wait a minute,' she said, 'they left out the end of the quote. They left out the most important part. Roosevelt ended the message with 'so help us God.'



Her husband said, 'You are probably right. We're not supposed to say things like that now.'



'I know I'm right,' she insisted. 'I remember the speech.' The two looked dismayed, shook their heads sadly and walked away.



Listening to their conversation, I thought to myself, 'Well, it has been over 50 years; she's probably forgotten.'



But she had not forgotten. She was right..



I went home and pulled out the book my book club is reading --- 'Flags of Our Fathers' by James Bradley. It's all about the battle at Iwo Jima .





I haven't gotten too far in the book. It's tough to read because it's a graphic description of the WWII battles in the Pacific.



But right there it was on page 58. Roosevelt 's speech to the nation ends in 'so help us God.'



The people who edited out that part of the speech when they engraved it on the memorial could have fooled me. I was born after the war! But they couldn't fool the people who were there. Roosevelt 's words are engraved on their hearts.



Now I ask: 'WHO GAVE THEM THE RIGHT TO CHANGE THE WORDS OF HISTORY?????????'



People today are trying to change the history of America by leaving God out of it, but the truth is, God has been a part of this nation, since the beginning. He still wants to be...and He always will be!







Again, I'm not racist or anything but when I read things like this, it makes me think of how our town is. Here, being black or hispanic is still TECHNICALLY a minority, but being WHITE is more of a minority than anything. Once, many moons ago (a few months) we were having trouble with DHS (CPS). A DHS lady came over to our house and, I'll admit, it wasn't absolutely perfect but it was the best we could do. We have pets and at the time we were battling roaches. The lady, and that is the nicest/most overstated thing I can think of right now, went ape shit over our cats and wouldn't even look at them to see if they were taken care of. Then she saw a roach and went BALLISTIC over that. She was nit-picking our house.



Now remember we are fairly poor lower/middle class white folk. I'm having to stay with my parents and my step-father works his rear off just so we can stay afloat. We have to get food stamps so we have food to eat.



But she was nit-picking our house. Every little thing that was wrong, she would point it out. We tore out the carpeting in the living room and hallway, completely went anal over the house (we're moved now). But we know for a fact (again I remind you neither me nor my family are prejudiced or racist) that if we were black, native american, or hispanic/mexican she wouldn't have said anything. I have several friends who are black, mexican, and what not. A black friend of mine in Texas even cracks black jokes with me. In my old home town, if the (im going to call them indians) indian kids didn't want to live at home from 8th-12th grade they dont have to. the black and mexican kids have to, but for the most part they have things to help them. we dont. I know it sounds like im ranting and raving, and I am. I am so tired of there being no jobs in my town, or those jobs being filled by (no offense) illegal immigrants who can't speak english, and are here receiving the benefits of a LEGAL american citizen without paying for them. at my old job where i was injured there were several mexicans who were too busy to help me when I needed it. because of that, and a heavy pallet, my back and hips are hurt. Because it was easier and faster for me to carry an empty pallet by myself instead of waiting for one of them to come help me, which would have slowed down the line i was refilling.



If you agree with me or not, I dont care.

LORD THEY'RE FINALLY TOGETHER
02:11 May 06 2010
Times Read: 567




Judy got married and had 13 children. Her first husband,Ted, died of cancer.



She married again, and she and Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.



Judy again remarried, and this time, she and John had 5 more children.



Judy finally died, after having 25 children.



Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,

"Lord, they are finally together."



Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret,





"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"



Margaret replied, "I think he means her legs, Ethel . . . her legs"

GOD LOVES DRUNK PEOPLE TOO!!!!
02:09 May 06 2010
Times Read: 568






A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you re member about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too." The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.

very funny story: COLONOSCOPY
02:06 May 06 2010
Times Read: 569

Life is short, Break the rules, Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly, Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably, And never regret anything that made you smile.







This is from news hound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:



I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'



I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later, for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.



I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day, all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, and then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.



The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'A loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.



MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but--Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.



After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.



At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.



Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn down your house.



When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.



'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly

what it was like.



I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.



ABOUT THE WRITER - Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.



On the subject of Colonoscopies... Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:



1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone

before!



2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'



3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'



4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'





5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'



6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'





7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'



8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'



9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!





10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'



11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'



12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'



And the best one of all :



13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'