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I'm really stoned right now and it totally feels like I'm riding a roller coaster.

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Morrigon
03:20 Sep 30 2010

I've sewn my thread through the top of your skull...

Now nod.

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placidchaos
03:21 Sep 30 2010

Eh? What's that mean?

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If I don't find a relationship in the near future, I think at the least I should find myself a fb or fwb. They're not exactly my favorite concept, but I need to release. You can only do so much by yourself.

What the heck? I logged in a little bit ago, and my level was an even 75. Just a few minutes later, I clicked a link and it jumped to 75.53. What changed in 6 minutes?

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Bijou
05:59 Sep 29 2010

consider it a leveling up gift from the system...lol that's what I do.

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I'm beginning to wonder if I'm asking too much of myself. A job, school, and a social life. Over the last few years, I've barely managed to do ok with just a job. I'm struggling to do my work for class, and I'm finding more and more that I've become almost completely socially inept. I feel like a freaking idiot, and that's depressing me.



Even though I know I'm not doing so well on the social front, I crave more. More than anything else, I want my life full of friendship and happiness. It sounds a little lame when put like that. I'm not meant to be a lone wolf, but that's exactly what I've been. It's a lonely way to be if you're not meant to be that way. I also crave the deeper companionship of a 'relationship'.



I'm screwing up on the homework front because I keep putting shit off. It's not like I'm meaning to procrastinate, but I just keep getting hung up on my distractions. I'm not having any better of a time dealing with anything. So, like I have for sometime now, I try to escape or avoid reality through my entertainment. Because I get so caught up in doing that, my homework suffers.



Work is really just more of the same. It's like the same story with a little different wording.



I know that need to escape stems from feeling isolated and alone. It's not that I feel the need to belong so much as I feel the need to be part of something.



More than anything else though, I need to accept myself. I won't ever be happy if I don't. In my heart, I don't accept myself right now. I don't consider myself all that attractive. I admit I have attractive features, but the whole package is lacking in my eyes. For some reason, a really big part of this is the fact that I can't furnish my apartment. It's just a space waiting to be filled, and it makes me feel incomplete. Another thing is my weight problem, I'm very unhappy with my poor physical condition. Because I judge myself on that, I feel like other's will see it negatively. It's not that I think they would have an issue with my weight problem, but I feel like they can sense my negative self-image and are repelled by that. The last thing that I'm struggling with is my housekeeping. It's been horrible lately. Hell, for quite some time. Not only do I feel unhappy when I'm surrounded by the mess, but I also can't stand for other people to see it. I'm more worried about somebody seeing my dirty clothes on my bedroom floor than I am about a large audience seeing me naked. Bizarre, eh? I feel completely ashamed by it.



I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being unhappy. I'm tired of feeling lonely. I've been trying to do something about it but with little success. When I reach for the motivation to do what needs to be done, it's like trying to pick handfulls of sand up off a carpet but half of it disappears everytime you grab it. You know what I mean? I don't know why though, and it drives me nuts. Today I've had some serious oomph behind my desire to clean.



As overwhelming and frustrating as this all is, I'm not going to give up. Let's face it, I'm fatally incapable of giving up. If I keep struggling, eventually I'll make it to the clear.

Have you ever been so interested in someone that thoughts of them drove you nuts? Have you thought to yourself that, if they would have you, there's nothing you wouldn't do for them? It borders on obsession.

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chrysanthemia
06:35 Sep 26 2010

I'll admit that my interest has crossed the fine line into obsession. Perhaps a mild obsession, but why not just call a spade a spade?



Sadly, though, he has no interest in me. And I'm not sure how to catch his attention.

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I'm horribly out of shape. I knew I wasn't in great shape but I didn't think it was quite THIS bad. I just did 20 sit-ups and ten-push ups and that was pretty much my limit. It took me 4 minutes to do the 20 sit-ups, and I find that ridiculous since I used to be able to do 30 in 2 minutes. I never counted my high limit on push-ups. I can't run a mile anymore, but I haven't been able to do that for a while now. Still, I'm horrified at how badly I'm out of shape. I keep meaning to work out but not actually doing it. It's time I got my ass in gear. If I don't turn things around I'm going to end up morbidly obese or like my father, and he's fat (not morbidly obese) and has really bad diabetes. "Hello, who's this?" "Just your wake up call."

I did something stupid the other night. I was hangin' out with someone who I see as a potential friend and nothing more. I was straightforward with them about this. I actually said I was only interested in friendship. There's a problem though. I was stoned, and I don't have the greatest inhibitions when it comes to sexuality when I'm 100% sober. She came on to me sort of, and we ended up makinjg out for a bit. She texted me later saying we needed to talk about what happened. I don't know what to say exactly. I was already clear on where I stand, but I get the impression she's completely ignoring that. What IS there to talk about? As asinine as it may sound, it was nothing. It's about the equivalent of someone gettting drunk and randomly sleeping with someone. Do I really have to be an asshole and say that though? Why wasn't me telling her I was only interested in being her friend enough in the first place?

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SinginGhost88
07:48 Sep 25 2010

You wren't cold enough. And she probably has the ability to forget all rationale and believe what she ants. Plus.. you kissed her, thats enough proof that she needs.

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LadyXblackXRose
10:41 Sep 25 2010

Women think differently from men.



A man says lets go grab a beer as friends she thinks lets have a casual date.



If a woman hears "just want to be friends" and she has feelings for you (even when you are nto aware) to her thats just a wall to climb and she climbed you well by the sounds of things.



Tell her straight friends or nothing at all but either way dont send out mixed messages. Keep your lips and making out to yourself until you find the right woman that your wanting to be with. To her that was an invite and now she will use it to her advantage if she wants to.

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BAH! I just logged on to my school provided email and found an email from the partner I can't get ahold of!

So... I have an assignment due for Critical Thinking tomorrow. I'm supposed to be doing it with a partner but there's a problem. We haven't been able to meet up before now because of conflicting schedules. I was supposed to call him after I got home from work tonight so we could meet up, but ther's a problem there too. I called the number and got a message telling me the number's disconnected! How the hell am I supposed to meet up with him if I can't contact him?! FUCK!

Bah. I got myself in a mind-funk earlier and went a little emo. I asked a girl I've been crushing on to go on a date with me. At some point between me deciding I was interested and actually getting around to asking her out, she started seeing someone. *sigh* It figures. I knew she was too good to be true. I mean, the idea of me finding a pretty, interesting, and funny girl who's also into Gargoyles (a cartoon show) is unbelievalbe enough as it is, but to find all that and have her be single is just too fantastical to happen. Such is life.

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chrysanthemia
22:30 Sep 20 2010

Um, keep trying! It might not work out. And if you're still there after any length of time, just being a friend, that actually means a lot to us women. Just being caring is amazing.

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I don't handle rejection very well. Outwardly I seem fine, but on the inside it's a whole different story. You would have to get to know me very well before you would ever pick up on it though. For me, the very act of putting myself out there for the chance of rejection makes me very vulnerable. When it happens I become disconnect from the situation until I'm away from it. Once I'm away, I become almost instantly depressed. I end up going through a cycle of very negative thinking and quickly become demoralized and depressed.

So far it's been a great weekend. I went with a friend last night to check out Choices. It's not bad. It isn't my preferred scene, but it could be worse. Pool is free, and that's just freakin' awesome. I went again tonight, by myself though. It was cool still. I got there before anyone really showed up so I got to do a round of practice before I had anyone to play against. Then I helped to teach a foreign girl how to play. It was fun. My only complaint about it is that it's a hip-hop club type of thing. I'm more of a rave kind of guy. So the odds of me ever dancing there are slim to none. The pool is free though and so far the company hasn't been terrible. I think it will probably be a place I go to often.

I'm not very good at actually asking someone out on a date. I remember trying a few times as a teenager. I only succeeded once. When I try, I get all worked up and nervous. It's the same kind of fear I get when repelling, when climbing over the edge at the top. So of course it only figures that one of the few times I get myself to call a girl to ask her out I don't get through.

I've been keeping a fairly full schedule lately. I go to school in the mornings, do some homework and sometimes hang out with my friend Rachel for a little bit, then go to work, and after work I do homework until I go to bed and that's usually at around 1:30. I've discovered that doing homework becomes easier for me the later it gets. It'll smooth out a little bit after this week I hope. Part of the reason I'm spending so much time on homework is because I procrastinated on a couple things and am now playing catch up.

According to my Chinese horoscope 13 is a lucky number for me, I'm not doubting it today. So far today I've woken up feeling better after being sick all weekend, I enjoyed my first class of the day, I got a cute girls number after she agreed to go on a date with me, and now I have a car!

I just went down and bought a '96 Chevy Corsica. In my experience Corsica's are great cars, I've had a couple over the years and they were both awesome up until they went caput. This one has a few little quirks, nothing a little tlc won't take care of. For the most part it just needs some driving to get it back in shape since it hasn't been driven in a while. I'mnot complaining one bit though, it only cost me $900. It only has 75,000 miles on it and the speakers are in excellent condition. The radio works and it has a tape player, so if I get an adapter I can us my Mp3 player in the car without having to pay out the ass for an expensive cd player.



I think I should do an oil change as soon as I can. Like I said, it hasn't been run in a while and that means it's probably gotten a little gunked up in there.

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Requiem
01:01 Sep 14 2010

Hooray for 13. =)

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So far today is good but y weekend wasn't all that great. I started getting sick on Friday and by Saturday afternoon I was running a fever, i had a fever all day Sunday too. I wasn't able to get some of the things done, like laundry, that I wanted to do because I didn't feel well enough. I got a ride up to Winterset on Sat. to check out a cheap car I found on CL, it wasn't worth the money they were asking for it though. I tried all weekend to do the assignment for psych and couldn't figure it out. I was up until 1:30 working on it last night. I was about to give up at around 1:10 when it finally clicked in my brain and I got it.



So far this monring has been good. I woke up feeling MUCH better than I have the last 2 days and my fever's gone. I wonder why it always takes very little to get me sweating for a day or two after a fever stops? I went in and printed my paper to turn in for psych. In class the Prof. indirectly verified that I did it right. Phew.



Now the best part of my morning so far... I have a date. On Friday a cute girl in my class randomly sat by me, she said she wanted to see if the Prof. would stare at her as much if she sat in a different place. We got to talking and I thought she was interesting, I found out she's from Canada (What is the deal with me being attracted to Canadian women?). Today I sat by her and we talked for a bit. I walked out with her after class so we could talk. I asked her if she like cruisin', just riding in a car. She said she loves it so I told her I'm hoping to buy a car this week and would love her company on a road trip. She said yes and I got her number. JACKPOT! Not a bad morning at all.



Well, I'm off to go see about a car.

Do you know the worst part of a sinus infection? It's not the headache, the feeling of a balloon in your face, the dizziness, the raw throat, the nausea, the fever, the intermittent exhaustion, the sneezing, nor the feeling of slime moving around in your nose. Nope, the worst part of a sinus infection is having to blow your nose 50 million times per hour. Seriously, it gets old after about the 4th time.

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chrysanthemia
06:14 Sep 12 2010

I have sinus allergies. All. The. Time.



Sometimes, I contemplate contemplating suicide. I know what you mean. It rots. A lot.

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So this entry is going to be a little disgusting. You have been warned.



Forever ago I knocked out my front teeth bouncing on a trampoline and I've had problems with the work done since then. Well the most recent problem is that I developed an absess where the right front tooth used to be. It oozes a little puss and occasionally blood if I put any pressure on it, even a little. Well tonight it was feeling unusually swollen and sore. So when I got home from work tonight I was looking at it in the mirror and it looked swollen. I put a tiny bit of pressure on it but nothing came out, so I felt and there was a hard chunk of something right at the spot where my gums haven't healed. So I put a little more pressure on it and it sort of popped like you would expect a festered zit to. The chunk shot into the palm of my hand and I squeezed out a lot of puss, this has been followed by bleeding that hasn't quite finished yet. Having something solid come out bothers me a bit so I was checking it out to be sure it's not something serious. It seems that a tiny piece of root from my tooth was still in my gums after all this time and it just finally got pushed out. There was a bunch of gunk on it that looked like dried up puss. It's so gross. If I don't get a chance to get it fixed before then, I'm going to use some of my financial aid in the spring to have it done.

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Indulgence
03:25 Sep 08 2010

For now, rinse with some mouthwash twice a day if you can...that will help keep the germs away.

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QueenxMorbid
03:30 Sep 08 2010

Also try swishing with peroxide just make sure after you swish that you rinse your mouth out with water and do not swallow it. That will also help kill some of the germs and things causing your mouth to get infected.

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KattrinaK
05:04 Sep 08 2010

yep, peroxide is the best thing for it. do NOT swallow the peroxide ok?

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chrysanthemia
05:28 Sep 08 2010

When you had it done, didn't they tell you to rinse with saltwater for disinfectant? That's best. And yes, diluted peroxide.

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SinginGhost88
14:29 Sep 08 2010

You're right, that was pretty gross :P



Why can't you be in my Vampire class??? It's filled with chicks!!!!!

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placidchaos
04:02 Sep 09 2010

I've tried all of that. Until I have it drained there's nothing that will really help.



lol, Sign me up then!

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Do you ever just feel tired? Not like sleepy or worn out or even mentally drained. Just tired. Like the idea of tomorrow inspires the same unpleasant feeling that going in to a crappy job does or that smiling at someone and being nice is more effort than it's worth or you have in you. it's like you have nothing left inside but the negative because you've spent so much time being positive and holding crap in that what's inside you is rotting. You can't draw any strength from that. I need to get that shit out but I have no way to do it right now, I feel like it's poisoning me though.

So I finally got to talk to the guy about taking up the viola again. It seemed to excite the shit out of him, the first thing he did was ask me if I would sit in on the orchestra. He was a little disappointed when I explained that I would need lessons but rolled with it. He offered me the loan of a viola and said he would put me in touch with one of the seniors that plays viola. Then he went on to encourage me to sit in the orchestra. I just sent him an email he asked me to send so he could forward it to the person he wants me to talk to, hopefully I'll hear back soon. The only down side is that if I take viola for credit through Graceland it will cost somewhere around $350, it would be worth it to me though.

Today wasn't half bad. The first round of classes were a little slow but I was so happy that I was actually in a college class that I didn't care. Afterward I hung out with a friend for a while and chilled, it was a nice feeling and something I haven't really done in a long while. I had a new experience today too, I got high for the first time. I liked it, it felt good. I came to realize that the affect it has on me is more noticeable in hind sight, it took me a little bit to realize that I was stoned and then I think I was a little bit of an idiot but I'm cutting myself some slack since it was my first time. After that I went to work, it was the most relaxed and pleasant night I've had there. Now I feel exhausted and there's a bit of lingering relaxation from earlier in the day, I won't be surprised if I actually sleep well tonight.



Tomorrow I have two classes with a couple of hours in between. First I have to go to Intro to Psych. and later is Modern Rhetoric. Then... I work another 6-8 shift... That's a little obnoxious, the boss could have scheduled me a little earier some of the days so I could have a day off this week but for some reason pretty much all my shifts but the last 2 are 2 hours long and that put me at 7 days this week. *sigh* At least I'm getting pais.