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There is so much that I wish I could say, most I don't have the appropriate words for. It's there, in my heart and in my mind. If only I could let you feel exactly what I do, so that you maybe that could help you.

Ok, I'm going to update my status. I'm nervous since it's been a while and I really haven't been able to do much. Anyway, here it goes...



Well, I did it. Yahoooooo, I went up 50%. That's way more than I expected, all I need now is another 10% and I can start making polls!

Well, I'm staying at an old family friend's place until I ship to basic. He's a good guy, always been there for us. The down side is that he doesn't have internet so I have to go to the public library to get on, ah well. I'm excited, nervous, and frustrated all at once. I can't wait to ship out, I'm excited for that. I'm nervous because I keep thinking "what if something goes wrong?". I'm frustrated because I can't do the things I need to do until I'm done with this and that really sucks. Time, that's all it is, time.

For some reason I felt compelled to post this.



I can't get the song "All I Ever Wanted" out of my head, both the Lacuna Coil version and the original version.



Edit on Feb. 19 2008- I'm a dumb ass, the title of the song is "Enjoy the Silence" and I KNEW that when I wrote this entry.

I keep doing things even though I feel indifferent about them. I've voted on a few different polls tonight, when I really don't give a shit, well, not right now anyway. The only thing I really feel like doing is talking to Christina, and I am, so why the fuck am I bothering to do anything else??

Well, I passed my physical today. They decided to ship me to basic training on 09/19, next wednesday. I'll go to Fort Sill in Oklahoma for 9 weeks, then it's on to For Bliss in Texas for another 9. After that I'll be homeward bound with pay saved up in the bank plus about $10,000. I'll get settled in quick, find a part time job, and most importantly I'll be with her (that's my plan anyway, I know she intends to visit, but I hope for more). Due to recent events things have been harder for us, more so for her I'm sure since she's been dealing with more. Despite all that, my heart is for nobody else. I may be the master, but she still owns me (if you get what I mean). I've been trying to get my life on track, but all I can really think about as I do is her. None of this is really important if she isn't part of it. I was trying to come up with an analogy to explain what she means to me, but there is nothing that compares. I've never believed in destiny, fate, or the thought that you are meant for one person. Now though, I believe that my life has meaning because of her. That being said, take her away it has no meaning, therefore that means I am meant for her. So, the army may have me for now, but I leave my heart with her. We shall be together.

I have so many thoughts and things being pondered right now. I'm feeling a little tired too. I think it's time for me to relax and meditate, then sleep. Perhaps I'll do some writing, I don't know. If I don't log off now though I'll just keep rambling here since my mind is how it is.

Well, I'm joining the Army Reserves. I'm basically gonna be a truck driver. It's not bad and the MOS translates into a civilian job. I have to stay in a hotel Wednesday night and take my physical on Thu, after that I should go to basic in 2 weeks. Basic will be about 12 weeks long, then I come home briefly before going to AIT which will be 9 weeks long. Then I'll only be active one weekend a month plus a two week jaunt annually. My sign on bonus would have been a little over twice as much if I'd gone active, but I want to have more time than that would give me. I'm kinda excited, it'll put me closer to some of my goals, and it'll help me save up some money. Things are worked out with Christina, that is a huge relief, I'm feeling pretty good right about now. Well, I'm gonna decide what I want to send my coven to apply for full membership, though, I wonder if I should wait til after I get back....

Well, I offered to pay her way to me, now I'm just waiting to hear back. My heart feels like it's in a vice. I think this might have been a last straw kinda thing for her. I hope not. We've both been waiting and waiting, I think it's been harder on her. It's not like I haven't tried everything I could though, I really did put all the time and money I could at this point into getting to her. It didn't work because of the fucking gov. I want to be with her more than I could ever say. If she's willing to move to the U.S. I would be ecstatic to pay for it. Now I just have to wait for her to say yes, no, or let's find a half-way point. *sighs, crying inside*

I found out what happened, why does shit not work like it should? Life just fuckin sucks right now. I was talking to someone from immigration in Canada, finally a human who can explain shit to me. I can't legally immigrate there, I thought that I could get a work permit if I got a job offer, but I was wrong. Not only does the employer have to get a report saying that a foreigner can fill the position, but they also have to give good reason as to why a Canadian citizen can't. So there is only one way for me to legally immigrate there and I don't think it's a good idea. Right now I'm staying with my aunt again, I'm gonna go job hunting tomorrow. I'm going to have to get a place to stay too since I can only stay here another week. I really want to be with her still, but after all the shit that keeps getting in the way I'm not sure she does. I guess we'll see. I've tried to go a couple times now and there's been something in the way each time. It just seems to blow up in my face. I fucking hate that.

I left Iowa friday morning, took a 25 hour bus ride to the Canadian border. I got turned back because they thought that I was an immigration risk. I sat at the Buffalo, NY station for about 18 hours waiting for what I needed. Now I'm sitting back in Iowa, hundreds of miles from what I need/want and tried so hard to get. What does it take? I still don't have my own comp so I'll be on sporadically at best.

I was there, it was in my sight. Happiness, being with her. Now, it's hundreds of miles away. *sighs* Life really fuckin sucks.

Just waiting in Buffalo for her to call me. I really REALLY hope she does...