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I find it a little amusing that I seem to stay around 60lbs over weight. I lose some from time to time, but I usually manage to end up back there again. What amuses me about it is that I don't put on more than that ever. I did once when I was about 16, but that seems to have been a complete fluke or something. I can be super lazy, eat junk, and over eath and not go over that.



What annoys me is that I have trouble going more than 10lbs below that. I know it wouldn't take much more than changing my diet or increasing my exercise regimen, but both are hard as hell for me to do. Grrr. I will.

Kid: *points at me* Mommy, why is his hair upside-down?



Mother: Don't point, it's not nice. It's not honey, he has a beard.



Kid: But he's not a grandpa. Why isn't it on top?

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Requiem
19:36 Oct 30 2011

hahaha! :D

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Have you ever had one of those moments when you realize something profound about yourself, but it's like an "Oh, duh. That makes sense." kind of moment? After my last journal entry, a piece clicked into place in my head.



I struggle with life pretty hard sometimes. It's not that I have a horrible life, I just often feel like it's overwhelming. It's been even worse lately. When I stop to think about it, that doesn't seem right. All things considered, I have a pretty simple and easy life. In fact, I've handled more than this better. On the other hand, THAT makes a lot of sense.



I mean, this is me I'm talking about here. When have I ever been satisfied with simple or easy? When I don't have a challenge, I become bored and disinterested. Apperently, this applies to life as much as anything else. The problem with this is that pretty much everything comes fairly easy to me, which makes it hard for anything to interest me and therefore hard for me to motivate myself to do.

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Requiem
17:50 Oct 30 2011

I love those self realization moments!

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I feel the desire to conquer. I need a real challenge.

Hmm... This might be too good to be true, we shall see.

I just found out that my best friend's brother was killed in a car accident early this morning. He was supposed to be at the party I was at last night, but he hadn't come back. I thought he'd probably just gone to a different party. A couple of the people wanted to drive down to the place they'd gone to get alcahol to see if he was still there, but I didn't because I couldn't really afford the gas. I can't help but wonder, was he still alive at that point? If I'd gone, would it have made a difference?

I had a pretty good night. At first, I was super bored. A friend came over to chill after a while though, and he got this chic to come over. After that, we went to some friends' place and hung out. It was cool. We mostly just stood around goofin' off or dancing, but it was a good time. I need more nights like tonight.

I'm really hoping for something awesome to happen this weekend.

I went to see a counselor today. I've tried going a few times over the last year, but it hasn't worked very well. So far, I'm liking this one. I told her upfront that I didn't want to go back on medication, and I explained to her why. Unlike all the others, this one didn't try to shove some new med I hadn't tried yet down my throat. She just accepted it and told me she would help me work on things.



FINALLY! That response has been what I've been waiting for. Some of them just listen and write things down without ever actually giving useable feedback, and others try to make you take pills (my most common experience. This is the first time I've had one who's actually willing to help me.

I don't know exactly why, but I woke up super depressed today. I barely managed to get out of bed, and I've only made it as far as my couch. I'm really hungry, but I can't seem to motivate myself enough to go get food.

My old landlords sent out the pest control notice. How do I know this? Because they sent out a group email to the four of us who lived in the apartment last school year. None of us still live there. I'm thinking the current tenants are going to get a surprise.

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Requiem
22:29 Oct 29 2011

Heh.

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I practically had a heart attack last night thinking my car had been stolen. I was going to the cops when I realized what happened. I went to the laundromat yesterday to get a load done. I don't sit there and wait for it, I just go down when I need to switch things or take them out. When I went down to get the load out of the dryer, I drove, but I walked back. Woops.

I wish I had somebody.

I find my Principles of Healthful Living class to be interesting, and I really like the format. The class is almost entirely discussion and debate. It suits my personality well.



However, it does get really frustrating sometimes. For the most part, it's only myself and a couple other students involved, and most of those only spit out facts they've read in the book. As far as I can tell, none of my classmates actually put thought into what we talk about. It's pretty rare that the discussion starts before I speak up. I've tried waiting for somebody else to say something, but nobody has except for once. The other problem is that it's pretty much the teacher lecturing and dragging people to the answers if I stop being active in the discussion. This is also a problem when I get hung up on a point because the discussion is stuck until I get it if nobody jumps in. Typically speaking, nobody does.

After talking to a friend, I'm thinking about getting into modeling. I really don't have any clue how to go about it though.

Ugh. Trying to recondition myself to have proper posture isn't easy. I don't have bad posture, but it has room for improvement. That little bit of difference in position is a big difference to my muscles.

Here's what I'm thinking... I have rent through December taken care of, and the landlords say they'll work with me on January. I think this is mostly because they've been thrilled with the fact that I've been paying my rent about 1 month ahead so far.



That's one problem out of the way. Sweet. At the end of January, I'll be getting about $2700 for living expenses, and I'm planning to use that to pay 5-6 months ahead on my rent. Plus, I know I'll get at least $1000 on my tax return. I think I can very safely take some time off from work later.



So, I'm thinking I won't quit work just yet after all, but I am going to cut WAY back on my hours. I'll reduce my stress and give myself more time that way without leaving myself completely broke. Then, I can probably afford not to work at all next semester, but I might keep working few hours just so I can have extra money or maybe save some up.

More and more, I question who I want to be.

I'm planning to quit my job. I've been thinking about it for a while now. I've got enough money to pay rent through December and have some left. Then I'd have 2 months to come up with the rent for January. After that, I'd be able to take a couple of months off of work. Having all of that figured out and adding events of tonight to the mix has made this a done deal. I just have to tie up a couple of loose ends, but I'm going to be quitting this week. I haven't decided if I'm going to give them 2 weeks notice or not yet. I know I should, but they've kind of been puhing my buttons for over a year and a half now.

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tr1n1ty01
06:58 Oct 17 2011

I wouldn't give them 2 weeks. LOL In my experience, when you put in 2 weeks, most of the time they don't let you even go through the whole 2 weeks and whatever remaining days you do work they usually act like dicks toward you, or all secretive like you are going to here something of grave importance that you should not hear.

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I was just given an awesome compliment and a boost to my ego. It was suggested to me that I would be a good model, and they also said I would probably be great for nudes if I got in shape. I've been told that I'm good looking before, but I've never had somebody say anything like that to me.

I am not all that emotionally stable. However, very few people would ever know it without me telling them. It's all chaos inside. It would be so easy to give myself over to it, to let it consume me. Yet, here I am. I'm always just barely holding back the storm within.



It's an intense strength when I use it. There's just one problem, I've never been able to successfully let it fuel me without losing control to it. Just imagine what I'll be capable of when I can really integrate it.

Ugh. Tonight was obnoxious. We were originally supposed to stay open late tonight. I wasn't thrilled about it, but I was going with it. Then, I found out that I was one person short. I was less happy about that. I was debating not staying open late since I was short handed, and I found out that the guy who came in so there would be 3 of us there couldn't even stay the whole time. They basically expected me to run and close the place with 2 people after he left. Fuck that. The whole reason they wanted us to stay open late is because they expected us to be kind of busy. Needless to say, I closed on time. Part of me really hopes they try to start shit with me over it.

All in all, it's been a good day so far. It started out kind of crappy. I woke up with a sour stomach and some other digestive troubles, and I wasn't feeling rested even though I'd gone to bed early. So I went back to bed for one hour, but I still had an upset stomach when I got up.



However, class was good, and I really enjoyed the discussion in PHL. When I left there, I tried to go to my car to drive home. I'd forgotten one important fact: I didn't drive to school today. Luckily, the walking trail started/ended right where I was, and I took that way.



I'd only been on that part of the trail a couple of times, so I never had much of an opportunity to notice the foot trail across the street between the tall grass and tree line. Since I noticed it this time, I decided I was in the mood to explore it.



I didn't go very far when I discovered an open area. It was well groomed, but it didn't look like anybody goes back there often for more than that. As I moved along, I found a coupld of side trails. A coupld looked like they had seen a little traffic, but it looked like it was probably all or at least mostly animal.



After a bit, I decided to head home and bring Rachael back there. I came home, grabbed some weed, grabbed her, and went back. We were back there smoking for maybe one hour. It. Was. Fucking. Awesome.



Smoking outside and in a place like that is a completely different experience. It's amazing to sit outside, listen to nature, talk, and just relax. Add being high to that, and it's incredible how much better it is, or maybe it's incredible how much better smoking is with all that? Anyway... It was so refreshing and cleansing. I felt so free.

It's strange, I went through this phase recently where I felt desperate to be with somebody. I can't even describe it. Then, I suddenly wasn't anymore. I mean, I'd still really like to find somebody, but I'm fairly content with myself now. I have no clue what caused the change though.

Friday night, a friend of mine crashed at my place because of some problems they've been having with some people. I don't know the full story, but I know the police were involved and somebody's trying to place the guy at the scene. He might have done something, I don't know. I decided it was none of my business since he wasn't all that interested in talking about it, and nothing is going to come back to me. When he left Saturday early afternoon, he told me he was going to give his report to the cops and then he'd be back in a couple hours to take his stuff to his room.



Well, I'm pretty sure he was giving me a line of bull shit. I didn't hear from him again after he left. I ran into his roommate this morning, and it turns out he got arrested when he went in. He's been in jail the last nights awaiting either trial or bail. Lovely. I don't have the money to cover his bail. Even if I did, he'd still have to go to trial.

I'm so happy and a bit excited! The punching bag set I ordered arrived a few days early! I got a text at about 9 this morning from the pick up place telling me it was in. So, I went right down and picked it up. I just got it put together and gave it a little bit of a beating. Heh It's friggin' awesome! This is going to be an unbelievable help to my fitness goals. I can wear myself out pretty good on it, AND it's going to help me manage my stress and emotions.

It was... Well, it was a night. I chilled with my friend Rachael for a bit, we smoked and I started drinking. Then, another friend and his friend came over. We got super high, and I got a little drunker. I didn't drink very much, but it was enough apparently. I had a lot of fun, but I ended up puking my guts out. It wasn't great. I'm nearly 100% certain I didn't drink enough to be that drunk. I think it was a combination of being so baked and being drunk.



I woke up at 7 this morning on my own though, and I wasn't even hung over. I've had a little bit of headache all day, but it's because of tension. Between the vomitting and sleepin' a little wrong, my neck is sore, and that's the cause of the tension making my headache.

It's amazing how two words like "You're irreplaceable" can make me feel so amazing.