Still goin...
21:24 Nov 30 2007
Times Read: 783
Well, I'm still working on my coven application. I'm having troubles getting my mind to focus right though. Things definitely aren't going the way I'd have liked, but that's life. The more time goes on the more frustrated and tired of life I get. I really feel as if I would like it all just to end. It seems like the same shit over and over again, and it looks as though it's got another several decades in which to keep repeating. Am I not trying hard enough? Is there something I can do to break the rhythm? I keep trying but it just keeps on. Maybe I really should stop holding back, I keep talking about it and then letting a little out. Inevitably I start holding that little back again, I havn't allowed everything out in a long time. Perhaps that is the problem, the world can see me holding back and it, like many of the people in it, is pushing my buttons trying to see how much I can take. No matter how bad it gets inside I somehow manage to hold on to it. Pain, anger, frustration, violence, loneliness, despair, love, hate, apathy, etc... I could go on for a bit. I feel myself slipping, I've felt this before. Last time I was like this I became lost in myself for a while, and I feel like that's what I want now. Escape, to be free of this shit. To be honest the knives in my kitchen have been looking rather tempting. I can't do that though, it's not fair to those around me and I'm not so cowardly. I wish I were. It would be nice to watch my life flow from my wrists, I enjoy watching myself bleed. I'm so pathetic, I can't do it so what do I do? I walk, that's my great solution. Then when I'm walking I think, "Why not just keep walking? Just keep going, disappear." So I go home to keep myself from doing just that and then everything I just walked off is waiting there, waiting to jump back on me and bring me back down. Maybe it is time that I finally give up.... LIKE HELL! Fuck that, why should I? This fucking world won't be rid of me that easily, I don't give flying FUCK! I'll die fighting before I lie down to pass away into nothing! I'm so sick and fucking tired of this bullshit! Wah wah wah, boo-fucking-who! If there's one good thing about my heritage it's that it's made me one stubborn mother fucker with a temper! Let this world give me it's fucking worst, I'll laugh in its god-damned face. Pain is my pleasure and this life is my bitch!
.....16:33 Nov 27 2007
Times Read: 787
Everyone wears a mask at one time or another, whether because they want to or because they need to. There are also people who do it without realizing or because they are afraid to let people see what's behind it. I myself wear one from time to time. The thing is, nobody can hide from me behind there masks for long. Inevitably I'll see through, it's both a gift and a curse. With this same ability I've come to be able to see each person's duality, both sides of them. It frustrates me sometimes to be the only one to see these things, especially when the person I'm seeing it in doesn't. How do you know someone who is not willing to know or show all of theirself? Nomatter how much I see that they hide, I can still never know them completely if they do not let it show. It pains me greatly to see this in someone close to me, I hate it when I can't know the ones I care for most. I feel like my heart is being compressed when I see this. Then again, how can I begrudge this when I am just as guitly of the same thing? You could be around me everyday and still not see it all, unless you followed me every second everyday and heard/saw all the thoughts in my head you could never know all of me. Isn't that the way it's supposed to be though? On that score, shouldn't we try to let those closest to us, the ones who have access to our hearts, see as much as possible? Obviously there will be some that is still only for us or certain other people, that can't be helped. *sighs* Sorry, I'm just feeling disconnected and therefore overthinking/feeling. I know that I do know, and that there is nothing being kept from me except that which must be. It's just that there are some things that I want to ask about but I don't want to. That combined with seeing something outfront that I had seen hidden before made me feel momentarily insecure. Having said all that, I feel better now.
I'm back!17:26 Nov 24 2007
Times Read: 790
Well, I just got back from BCT, I got discharged due to injury. It threw a big wrench in my plans but I'm trying to work with it anyway. As of right now I'm forced to stay in IA due to my financial situation, that really kinda pissed me off. *sighs* Reality sucks. I'm trying to catch up on things, here and in the real world. It's gonna take me some time, especially since I don't have my own internet and am using the comp at the public library. Well, I don't have much to say at the moment, I'll do some more journaling later to bring the interested up to speed.
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