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I'm feeling very pessimistic right now, but I'm doing my best to avoid the downward cycle of thought.

A stranger offered to get my electricity turned back on, they say they know a couple people and could have it done by 4 today. My initial reaction is suspicion and uncertainty. They sound like they're just trying to be nice, but it sounds too good to be true. You know?

It didn't take me long at all to bounce back from that upset. It's interesting, I thought something like this would be the last straw. I really thought I'd snap. I was slowly getting buried under the emotional build up from it, and then, I wasn't. Something switched, and I feel slightly more determined. I wouldn't exactly suggest pissing me off right now, but I've got things under control right now and am working to get everything how I want. Part of it is having a girlfriend, I can't explain it very well. Most of it is just feeling stubborn, kind of. I've entered this calm state of, "Fucking bring it."

I got home from class yesterday to find that my power has been shut off. I never received a shut off notice. I called them last week when I got a bill, and I explained my situation. They told me then that there hadn't been a shut off notice issued yet. I called them yesterday, and they first told me that it had been issued the day after I called. Later, a supervisor told me it had been issued on the 8th. I tried to go apply for assistance today, but I guess I'm too poor to qualify. In order to get the assistance, you have to have made a payment within the last 90 days. I haven't been able to afford that. Basically, I'm pretty well fucked right now unless I can come up with $173 that doesn't have to go toward rent. The soonest I might be able to make that happen is at the end of next month

It amuses, intrigues, and disturbs me that I can't even use half my strength when working out on my punching bag. If I do, I'm pretty sure I'll knock a whole in my wall, especially when I kick. With how much I hold back on my kicks for that, it makes me think about just how much damage I could do to somebody if I kick them full-force.

I don't like the smell of tobacco, and my new girlfriend is a smoker. Which makes it really strange to me that I love her scent. I like taking a deep breath just to enjoy the smell of her when I can. It's soothing and a little arousing.

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moonkissed
06:16 Aug 25 2012

It is probably pheromones.

It may fade with time and the smell of her after a cigarette could become really repugnant. I wish you the best of luck.

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It was a great night. Dinner didn't go nearly as planned. Part of that was because I lost track of time when I got in the shower. Oh well, I was more bothered by it than her. We really just sat around talking, listening to music, and cuddling. I got to kiss her for a little bit when I took her home. I leaned in for the kiss at the exact same moment she stood on tip-toe to kiss me. It was an incredible feeling. It wasn't just the kiss that was so great, it was also the fact that we moved in unison. I would have continued kissing her, but my reaction to holding her like that was about to be too obvious. ha ha

One of the benefits of studying massage at my school is that places often jump at the chance to hire a student from there. It's lucky for me that there's a place near me hiring for a CSR position, and they offer benefits! My financial woes may soon be over. I talked to them already, and without seeing my application, they're interested in setting up an interview with me. I'm going in to apply and will set it up then. I'm excited! Not only will I be able to afford my bills working there, but it may just be the shoe in the door when I graduate to guarantee I work in my craft.

I need about $500 or more right now. I don't see that happening without selling my car, and that's not a very reasonable solution. I just don't know what to do. If things fall apart this time, I won't try again.

I've decided to make scalloped potatoes and ham for our dinner. I'm debating between picking out a good movie for us to watch or setting up a good playlist for us to listen to. I can't shake this feeling that I'll be calling her my girlfriend after Friday.

I stopped in at work on my way home to pick up some hamburger. The girl I recently started dating was working, so I went through her line to say hi. When I got ready to leave, I said, "See you later." She blushed a little and laughed, and I asked her why. She claimed the way I said it was really sexy. This is the third time in the last week that somebody has pointed out something I've done or said as being sexy.

How the f*ck did I type "forbidden" instead of "system"?

The next date is set! I'm so excited. I'm going to cook dinner for her. I'm thinking about getting a whole ham and doing a good ol' fasioned home cooked meal: ham, potatoes, gravy, and green beans or broccoli.

I can't stop thinking about her. I keep thinking about her smile, her laugh and the sparkle in her eyes when she does, holding her hand, the sultry look she gets when she's being playful, how cute it was when she dozed off in my arms while we were watching the movie, the way her lips felt so perfect, how she seems to half-skip when she's happy, and the hours of conversation we sometimes have. I feel like it's driving me crazy in a good way. She makes me feel a little child like again. I tease her so bad, and I feel the strangest urge to tap her and run away shouting, "You're it!" Also, I'm dying to kiss her again.

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LordFangor
15:58 Aug 19 2012

:)

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That date was wonderful, I'm so happy right now! We kissed, and afterward, she smiled and said, "Yeah." We both had a lot of fun skating til we were worn out. Then, we came back to my place and cuddled on my couch watching a movie and talking. I can't stop thinking about it. However, sleep must prevail.

ha ha Apparently, she loves skating. She even owns a pair of roller skates.

Me: We can do a good ol' fasioned dinner and a movie, or I can come up with something a little less cliche if you'd like.



Her: lol Dinner and movie is fine, unless you're good at thinking of not cliche things.



Me: lmao Oh, I think I can come up with something.



Her: Ok. You should know that I don't impress.



Me: That's cool, it's not about impressing. I'd rather show you a good time than waste time trying to make myself look awesome.





I narrowed the option down to hiking at an arboretum or going roller skating, but I just can't decide for sure. I sent her a text telling her what I was thinking to see if she has a preference, if not... I think I'll take her skating. It's fun, active, and I haven't done it in years.

I'm debating a few different options for Friday. We can go bowling or skating, or I was thinking about going someplace nice outside with a blanket or two and my laptop and just chillin' outside watching a movie as the sun sets. A friend of mine suggested I get a flashlight and take her to wander around some abandoned school near here, but I'm not sure about that one.

Me: I have to tell you, the other night, I really wanted to kiss you.



Her: I know.



Me: I see. Is that why you hugged me?



Her: Yeah.



Me: Did you do it to keep me from it, or did you do it to cut me a break? lol



Me: I guess I should just ask. Would you go on a date with me?



Her: lol, you're nervous. Don't be.



Her: When?



We're going out this Friday. It'll be dinner and a movie unless I can find something else in the area that's a little less cliche.

Yes! I have a date! Before and after I asked, I was shaking from the adrenaline and my heart beating so hard. Now, I'm shaking from excitement!

I think it's funny, there are two different models I could get with if I want to, and there's another one who is possibly interested in me. I get complimented on my looks a lot, and girls are always telling me that I'm a great guy. Yet, I still have overwhelming anxiety when I try to make a move and kiss a girl. I have no good reason to be lacking the confidence I need, but... *shrugs*

I think I just had a pretty successful date. I'm not sure to be honest. It was great, but I can't get a read on her. She's flirty, but she is a flirty person. I can't tell if she's flirting just to flirt or because she's attracted to me. I am going to come out and ask her the next time I talk to her if she likes me, or I might just come out and tell her that I like her. We hugged before she left tonight. She hesitated before she did, but I'm not sure why. I really wanted to kiss her, but I held off. I'm debating, as part of telling her how I feel, admitting that I had wanted to kiss her then. I don't know if that's a good idea though. Bah. I am so chicken shit about this stuff sometimes. ha ha

I feel like either fucking someone or fucking someone up.

I had a looong day. I reached the point where I was barely able to focus enough to seem coherent. I felt so ridiculous.

It's taken me a few years, but I've finally learned how to not let things bother me. Even when things looked really bad the other day, I got pretty stressed, but I didn't get completely overwhelmed like I would have even a couple of months ago.

There's a girl I've hung out with a couple of times, and I'm very attracted to her. She has an interesting personality, and I enjoy talking to her. We've sat for hours just talking. She also has an amazing body, and she's a nude model.



Tonight, she came over for a massage so I could practice my Basic Swedish routine. I asked her to get set up on the table when I went in to wash my hands. I meant to give her some privacy because I needed her to be topless. She asked me if I wanted her uner the cover or over. I told her that I needed her face up, and that the cover was there for her comfort. Her reply was that she wasn't shy. I was half expecting to come out and find her lying on her back topless without the cover. When I walked out, she was lying in very casual and comfortable way. She was topless, but it was somehow subtle. I don't know how to explain it better. It stunned me and actually took my breath for just a moment. It was just a casual, carefree sexy.



I've been thinking of asking her out. I've been procrastinating about it though. I have lots of reasons. Although, they kind of seem like excuses. After that experience, I'd be lying if I said that I didn't want to ask her out even more. You can't have that kind of reaction to somebody when you're that attracted to them an not. It really didn't seem like a good moment for it though, but I need to get off my ass and ask. I know I'm not the only guy who's interested, she's already sleeping with one that I know is intersted in more.

Lately, I've been a lot happier than I have for quite a while. It's not the manic high kind of happy that I usually experience though, it's a calm and pervasive kind of happy. I am still a little stresssed over finances and would like to find a relationship, but I don't feel overwhelmed by those worries.

I'm intrigued by the fact that the techniques I've used when giving massage are rough approximations of techniques I'm learning in massage therapy school. I started doing them based on instinct and observation. It makes me wonder about some of the other things I do.

I just made myself a couple of grilled-cheese burgers. They. Were. Delicious.

Me: Do you know what sounds good? *slow, deep breath* Chocolate chip cookies.



R: Damn. Wow. Yeah they do.



Me: *chuckles* What?



R: Nothing. I just loved how you said that. It was all seductive. I don't think I could have made made it sound any sexier. It's like, they could be deathly allergic to chocolate, and you would say "chocolate chip cookies", and they'd be like, "Chocolate chip cookies? Of course I want some!" I know I would! Who wouldn't? I mean, damn!

I like learning massage even more than I thought I would. It's fun, and my classmates are pretty cool.

"Jesus has risen, it's no surprise. Even he would murder his momma to ride to hell between those thighs."