The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Well, I'm at my Aunt Bonnie and Uncle Joe's. I'll be here til friday. I feel sooo good to be out of there! Well, ttyl.

I'm feeling a lil on the lonely side right now, I hooked my internet back up so that I could come online for a bit. I won't be here tomorrow, plus the company is shutting it off anyway. I'm feeling a little frustrated right now, but oh well. There's also a growing sense of relief, and a big feeling of hope, lol. Tomorrow I'll be at my aunt's house, I'll be there til friday. I CAN'T WAIT!! lol. I'm so gonna go nuts til then with nothing to really do, lol. Well, I suppose I should get to bed now, gotta be up in a few hours. Since you'll prolly read this before I get to talk to you again... *kisses, hugs* ttyl

I just realized that I'm not gonna see my shows that are on tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *cries* *sighs* oh well.

The internet gets turned off tomorrow, and I'm gonna go stay with my Aunt Bonnie til the 31st. I prolly won't be able to log onto VR after tomorrow that means, but I'll at least be able to check my email. *sighs, then does a lil happy dance* I can't wait for next friday, and even more so for the saturday after, lol.

Is it the 31at yet? ugh...... just ugh. Not to mention that I'm feelin kinda lonely right now. *sighs*

I'm really starting to lose my FUCKING PATIENCE! I have my own shit I'm trying to take care of, Shari needs to leave me the fuck alone long enough for me to do that, I don't give a fuck what she needs to do right now as long as I've got my own shit I need done!

I just talked to my cousin, she's always been like a lil sis to me so I'm happy. Caught up and cleared a few things that I've been hearing, I'm not as worried now but I want to beat the shit out of a guy. I'm thinking about giving my car to her since she needs one, not sure though, it's still kinda up to her parents and they might consider it too much of a fixer upper, my Uncle Joe is REALLY protective, lol. Well, I should get back to my shit.

I went up to my hometown and got my birth certificate, stopped to see Pop. It's sad to see that his age is finally starting to dim the lights upstairs. I ran into one of me and my bro's old friends, talked for a bit. It's kinda comical, I'm not allergic to any of the cats that I've been around for the past couple years, but our old cat Tails that my ex-stepdad has I'm still allergic to. Ever since I pet him my eyes have been itchy and watery, ugh, lol. well, that's all for now.

I hate the summer, I hate the hotness. Even more, I hate how my legs break out at friction points, like where the seams of my pants rub my thighs. grrrrr, A dermatilogist once told me that anti-bacterial soap would help, I should try it. Anyway, I'm suddenly exhausted, so I'm off to bed.

Go to the Boone county court house to get my birth certificate, sort through my shit to see what I want and can reasonably take, clean my car, call my Grandpa and see if I can stay with him til the 31st, and that's all I can think of right now.

I went down and bought my greyhound ticket today. I depart at 8:30 a.m. on the 31st and arrive at 9:25 a.m. on the 1st. My trip will take me to Chicago, Cleveland, Buffalo, and last and most certainly not least...Toronto! According to the schedule I'll pass Niagara Falls, I'm gonna buy a disposable camera or 2 to take pics along the way. It's gonna be a looooong trip but totally worth it, booya! lol. I have to find out which Toronto location I'll be being dropped off at, the lady said that there was only one terminal there that they drop ppl off at... I hope it's not too long of a distance from MDV, or I'll have to do some extra walking, lol. (I'm pretty sure it's the one on Front St.)

I started a thread the other day, I was fairly specific about what I was looking for. The only person who posted a relevant and intelligent response is infernalmage, as far as I can tell the rest are either just posting to get their status up or really didn't read/pay attention to what the post said. Now I remember why I had pretty much stopped participating in the forum.

I don't know what the deal is, but I am sleeping way too much most days. I used to be lucky if I could sleep 6 hours, no I'm lucky if I sleep less than 10. I don't know what's the matter, but this has got to stop.

I feels wrestless and bored, well, kinda bored. I had a lot more I wanted to put in here, but I don't remember what it was now, damn it. Oh well.

Counting this one, 8 journal entries and 1 new thread, wow, I'm on a roll for me, lol. I'm watching the Naruto marathon until I have to go to work. I'm kinda bored right now, lol, can you tell?

I'm digging with my fingertips,

I'm gripping at the ground I stand upon.

I'm searching for fragile bones.

(Evolution)



I'm never gonna be refined;

keep trying but I won't assimilate.

Sure, we have come far in time...

(Watch the bough break)



And I'm sorry I don't believe,

by the evidence that I see,

that there's any hope left for me...

It's evolution!

Just evolution!



And I, I do not dare deny

the basic beast inside;

it's right here,

it's controlling my mind!

And why do I deserve to die?

I'm dominated by

this animal that's locked up inside!



Close up to get a real good view,

I'm betting that the species will survive.

Hold tight, I'm getting inside you...

(Evolution)



And when we're gonna find these bones,

they're gonna want to keep them in a jar.

The number one virus,

caused by procreation.



And the planet may go astray;

in a million years they'll say:

"Those mother fuckers were all deranged!"

It's evolution!

Just evolution!



And I, I do not dare deny

the basic beast inside;

it's right here,

it's controlling my mind!

And why do I deserve to die?

I'm dominated by

this animal that's locked up inside!



Take a look around... (take a look around...)

Nothing much has changed!

Take a look around... (take a look around...)

Nothing much has changed!

Take a look around!

Take a look around!

Take a look around!

Nothing much has changed!

Take a look around!

Take a look around!

Nothing much has changed!

Take a look around!

Take a look around!

Nothing much has changed!

Take a look around!



I, I do not dare deny

the basic beast inside;

it's right here,

it's controlling my mind!

And why do I deserve to die?

I'm dominated by

this animal that's locked up inside



Why? (why...)

Why do I deserve to die? (do i deserve to die)

(Why? Why?)

It's amazing how much going for a walk and singing without givin a fuck what ppl think can both relax and energize you. I'm in a good "fuck with me if you dare" kinda mood. I am so fucking ready to just take shit on today. I haven't really been to bed yet, but I feel really good. These past several days I've been sleeping a lot more than usual, I've just been feeling so tired it's unbelievable. Now, I'm more rested than if I had slept last night. boo-fuckin-ya In case you're wondering, I actually talk like that when I'm in certain moods.

I'm a f***ing idiot! lol, I was understanding based on the way things are worded on the site that I'd be stuck with the job I had once I got a work permit. Well, guess what? I was wrong! Yes I know, shocking, but it's true, lol. If I decide I want a different job I can apply for a new work permit for that job, boo-ya. I was thinking about it, the office I have to send my work permit application has to be one of the U.S. locations, that doesn't mean that I have to be in the U.S. to do it. DUH, lol, I'm a f***ing dumb ass! hooray, lol, sorry, I'm a little off.

Ok, in two weeks when I get a full paycheck: cash the check, sell my car for a couple hundred, buy a greyhound ticket, go there, find a job (I think it'll be easier in person), apply for the work permit. If later she decides to move to Halifax, even though I wouldn't be able to move there, I do know that there is a town in the u.s. that is about a 5 hour drive away that I could move to. That's a bit of a drive so it wouldn't be an everyday thing, but I would be able to visit on a regular basis. That's almost all my bases covered, I'm still missing a week. hmm, if all else fails I could live out of my car temporarily. If this plan is a go, then I'll prolly ask my grandpa if I can stay with him that week. Now I just need her to say yes or no. If she's willing to go with it, then booya.

Ok, I kinda have a solution. I'm thinking about one of my options, but if I don't find someone willing to hire me that would be a problem, I won't be a burden on her. Doing things that way would leave things more open though. I would have to find someone willing to hire me though. hmmmm. If I did it that way maybe it would help ease things for her, and that would be one less thing.

I don't know what this feeling is that just gripped me, but I don't like it. It's really not a good feeling. fear maybe?

I jsut noticed I'm on a new friends list, I'm not a big fan of ppl having me on their friends lists when I don't have them on mine or even reallyknow them. I guess that's their right though.

Well, it looks like I'll have to move soon after all. I will NOT let this interfere though, there's a low income housing place nearby, I'm gonna go check it out on my first day off. I'll see if my brother wants to move in with me, make things easier for both of us then.

Talking about school, I kinda miss my school days. My being a smart ass turned into a semi-serious conversation. I rarely paid attention in class, I rarely turned in homework, I passed the 9th grade by getting As on all my tests. What I didn't tell her is that the reason I was like that is because the classes couldn't keep up with me, I don't proclaim to have been a genius. I was put into a class that they call TAG here. Basically an advanced learning course. Don't know why I put this here, I just felt like it. ehhh, who knows? lol

Well, I managed to shut off my alarm clock without even becoming conscious, time to move it. I didn't wake up as early as I would have liked but oh well. Picked up my check today and it's about half of what I'll normally get, booya, that means my normal checks will be fairly decent. They'll also be enough for me to go ahead and make my plans! I slept better last night than I have in a while, dunno why, I just wish that it wouldn't have taken me so long to get to sleep, lol. I had some weird dreams, upon waking I can only remember bits and pieces. I'm not looking forward to work today, but oh well, it's a means to an end. Anyway, I've gotta go check my food, so later.

I got an interview today at 6, the guy runs a business team. I really don't know anything beyond that other than that the guy said it would be about $1000 a month for part time. I'm a little iffy but I figure it can't hurt to go find out. Right? Anyway, I'm soooo hungry right now so I'm gonna go fix some chow.

YAY, she called me tonight, lol It made me so happy. We talked for a couple hours, it was great.

Fucking idiots piss me off!

hmm, I did a tarot card reading for myself. I'm still a novice at it. Overall I liked it, well, lol, I liked the outcome. I did the celtic cross spread. It told me what I wanted to know, but just because of who I am I'll wait until it happens before I believe it.

I would like to get a little more into photography, so I think I need to get a better camera.

I don't know what the deal is. I can draw, I have some talent. Yet, I can only do so much on an individual drawing, once I reach that point I can't do anything elst on it, even if I wait and work on it later. Who knows?

I need to get laid so fucking bad. It's driving me insane. *sighs* in time, in time/

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*sighs* I had to call into work today, my knee is giving me trouble. I think it's because of having to stand on that floor and getting on my knees to clean. It gave out on me, the guy I talked to there was kinda pissy with me. Wtf, I have already either left or gone in early everyday I've worked there. What right do they have to get pissed at me. Anyway, I think I'm gonna have to get a new knee brace to wear at work.

I'm in a weird mood, a thoughtful mood. I don't know exactly what the deal is. I can't explain it, hmm.................. I feel out of myself.

I fried up some steak and eggs, I haven't had that in forever. It was wonderful, I'm tempted to make some more. I feel satisfied right now so I won't make anymore, I'll prolly make some tomorrow night for dinner.

Yeah, that sounds good.... I could really go for some steak and eggs, I'll have to cook some here shortly.

Another good day? *shudders* This is starting to become a pattern. *hides iunder the covers, peeks out slowly* I'm scawed... lol, just joking, but this is an unusual amount of true blue good days for me.



Overall today was a good day, I messed up when I looked at my schedule so I was late to work today. At least the bosses were cool with it, especially since one of them was the head of the department. More monotonous work and what not today, ugh, lol. Ok, here's a conversation between myself and two (husband and wife, him Customer2, her Customer1) customers:



Customer1: I haven't seen you here before, are you new?



Me: Yeah, just started.



Customer1: Ok, how do you like it so far?



Me: ehh, it's too bad, a good job and I've had much worse.



Customer1: I hear ya. When did you start?



Me: A week ago today.



Customer2: Where did you work before this?



Me: My last job was at Casey's. the one on University as you head into Waukee.



Customer1: Ok, I know where it is.



Customer2: Do you keep your options open? Are you looking for some extra money?



Me: Yeah, never hurts to make more money.



Customer2: Ok, well Jason, my name's Chris. I run a business team, if you don't mind I'll take down your number and give you a call.



Me: Sure, it's ###-####



Customer2: Alright, thanks, I'll talk to you later.



Customer1: Bye, it was nice meeting you Jason.



Me: Later, y'all have a good one.



Based on how they acted and the whole course of the conversation leading up to that, I can't help but think they came in their specifically looking for me. I don't know why they would, unless a customer I had helped previously had been impressed and said something to them. Who knows? Anyway, I'm going to be a little skeptical for now, but I'm still gonna keep my good mooded optimism going. What is it they say? Don't look a gift horse in the mouth?



Hey Christina, I thought I should tell you that I got an unbiased opinion today. I WAS RIGHT!!! Ha HAH!!! lol, if you can't figure it out I'll explain it later, lol.

I think Christina's anti-foodness is contagious, I haven't eaten all day and I DON'T want to. ugh, I hope I'm not developing an eating disorder.

The answer is neither.

Tonight was the first time in, well counting today, three days that I've eaten. I was hungry, well, sorta. Now though, I don't like how the food feels in my stomach, now I know how Christina feels. Even weirder, even though it was a food I love, I gagged when I first started eating. I don't know what's wrong with me. It's strange, I ate no more than usual, and yet I feel like I ate 4 times as much, ugh. I don't feel well.

Today was alright, kinda boring. I get along with my co-workers so far, lol.



Co-worker: I think your gonna be the coolest new guy I've worked with yet.



Me: *raises eyebrow* oh?



Co-worker: You work without gabbing, and you don't stand around twiddling your thumbs. You actually work.



Me: *nods head*



There is one I'm iffy about, he's a nice guy, but a little annoying. He doesn't mean to be I can tell, but still, lol, it bothers me. I got some free meat today, STEAKS ON MONDAY, YEAHYAH!! lol. I got some extra hours because on of the 2 closers called in sick, so they asked me to do it, booya! This on top of picking up a shift for tuesday, it's lookin good.

I feel a little childish and foolish as I lay there each night clinging to a stuffed animal. It's the only way I can feel a physical connection to her as I sleep though.

I am thinking about applying for the study permit instead of a work permit. If I go that route instead, I'll only be allowed to work a maximum of 20 hours a week according to the CIC website. On the upside, that'll allow me to get the education and experience I need to become a resident, plus I'll have a degree like I want. That'll allow me to kick other plans I have in motion too. I'm actually PLANNING for my future instead of just thinking. lol, Looks like she's a good influence on me. So all I need to do is save up some money, take the SAT, apply to a college, get a student loan, and get a job there. Sounds easy... lol but it won't be as easy as it sounds, still, easier than what I have been doing. It'll be even easier if I go to a college where I can live on campus.

I miss being able to say she's my girlfriend. I miss being affectionate toward her. I miss hearing her voice. I miss seeing her smile. *sighs*

Wow, I've written depressed poetry before, but I think this one takes the cake. I didn't even feel that depressed really, but I started sort of crying as soon as I had the first line down. Yet, I feel more happy than depressed right now, not sure why.

I don't really care what I'm rated, give me a 1 if you want I really don't give a shit. Don't make excuses and don't give me a rating you don't feel I deserve, it's that simple. Not to go picking on ppl, but cinnamon is an example. I rated what I felt like I should, I personally feel it's fucking idiotic to rate someone exactly what they rate you just for that purpose, and then to give a false apology is insulting. I have no patience for that bull shit. Yes I blocked here because seeing the comment was just pissing me off. If she had rated me a 10 and said something stupid she probably still would have gotten blocked. Same goes for anyone else. If I rate you a 10, don't rate me a 10 just for that reason. Look at my profile/portfolio and rate it honestly! If you can't be honest you'll only piss me off and you'll get blocked.

I'm thinking I should ask off from the 14th - the 19th of September, I'd like more time. That's prolly the most time I can afford to ask off though. we'll see, gotta talk to my manager tomorrow anyway, everytime I try to call he's not there. I figure if I don't do any extra driving, cut back on my soda more, I can save up some money between now and then so that the time off won't make me short.

Double check to make sure Halifax is the destination.



If so, call the Halifax Wal-Mart in the morning, and hopefully get them to offer me a job.



Apply for a work permit.



Save up prolly about $2000 to get my own place. I'm assuming that they'll need first month rent and a deposit.



I'm thinking that I'll have to use a truck or something, unless I get a fully furnished place.

You are the first person to make it onto my blocked list! I have been on this site since January and haven't been urged to block anyone before. I just have to say you are amazing, to be the only one to have earned that status. Wow.

I called the Wal-Mart in Halifax today. They told me to call back in the morning because the HR lady I need to talk to will be in then. Went over to my brother's and hung out for a bit. I'm having one of those days and yet... I can't help but feel that there is something good coming. I had to sell my new Manson cd to get some gas/food money so that I'll make it til the 17th. I was thinking that in order to save on gas money I might buy a bike. I can save up more money that way. I almost got out of my car to beat the shit out of some trash talker that couldn't drive worth shit. He almost hit me and then cussed me out for it, fuckin dumb ass. He drove off as I was unbuckling my seat belt. Though, I still feel like it's been an ok day. I feel kinda violent.

I've been brainstorming, I may have a solution to the immigration deal, there is a town on the border of the U.S. and Canada that is a 5 hour drive from Halifax. I could work somewhere there, and then actually live in Halifax, it would be a bit of a drive, but for her it would be totally worth it. I'm still going to try to move there and get a job there, but this could be a back up plan. I WILL figure something out. There has to be a solution.

I'm actually a little excited, I just found out that there is a club in about 2 hours from here that has goth nights on the first and third sundays each month. I'm fairly sure it's the only one in the whole state. I can't wait to check it out.

I'm in need in a bad way, but I can't do anything about it. Even though we're at a just friends stage right now, I sitll feel like I'd be betraying her. I don't want anyone else either, I just don't feel like it would feel right. *sighs* stupid fucking horomones.

*sighs* this is a little harder than I thought. I keep typing affectionate things, I've caught myself before I sent them. I don't like that I need to though, it's hard not to express how I feel, but I'll get used to it.

After talking to her today I feel sooooo much better. I was looking into classes for business, but they'll cost a lot of money. So that's still not top priority to me.

Christina, I want to ask you not to read this, but on the other hand I want you to read. I leave the choice up to you of course.











I woke up this morning hoping more than anything that it was a dream, just a really bad dream. No, it was real. All day I have been fighting back tears, now I'm just letting them come. I wanted to argue with her, tell her no, refuse somehow. I wanted to do something, instead all I did was sit there and calmly accept what she had chosen. I didn't want to cause her more pain so I ignored mine. I wonder if it would have made a difference, would it make a difference now? I can't help thinking that if our plans hadn't been fucked up, that if I were there, that it wouldn't have come to this. I don't know, but my heart aches worse now than it ever has before. I have never cried like this over another human. I will eventually get used to it, my heart will heal. I don't want it to though, right now I feel as if I would rather live with this pain for an eternity than move on. Is there anything I can do to change her mind? I can't FUCKING ACCEPT THIS!! But I have no choice. Even though my better judgement says I shouldn't, I'm going to talk to her when I get the chance, maybe I can make a difference and maybe I can't, but I'll never know if I don't try.

*sighs* I feel so alone right now.

I just don't know what to say. I hate being in this position, nothing that I can do or say to make it right at the moment. What do I say?

well, I'm brainstorming really REALLY hard now. Here's what I've come up with:

Find a place to live up in boone, move there, get a job (it'll be easier there at this point because of college students going to live on campus), sell my car, use the money to buy a roundtrip bus ticket. sounds like a good plan *fingers crossed*

Work today, 2-6, tomorrow too. Then things will start swinging the right way again.